Phantasm

So here it is rewritten and hopefully improved upon:

Behind a lace of moonlit silence,
between wakeful eyes and hidden dreams.
You come to me on lulling waves,
of tantalizing melodies.

Amidst the haze of seductive smoke,
and blurred perception of hidden mirrors.
My eyes are helplessly deceived,
by your overwhelming tendencies.

Every second I hold dear,
for I know before I wake;
you will fade into the night,
leaving me in pallid light.

Like a ghost your eyes, they haunt,
your whispers echo throughout my mind.
You’ve left a void only you can fill,
for illusions and dreams,
are grander still,
Than any mortal will ever be.

This is the original:

I see you, standing there so quietly,
like a ghost inside a dream-scape,
singing lullabies of hate and misery.

Untouchable, you will always be,
a figment in the distance,
here and gone again it seems.

My one and only nightmare
is that you’ll be gone forever
leaving me to fall alone into despair.

We could be together for all eternity,
like two phantoms in the nighttime,
if you’d only stay with me.

So I know this needs help but I am at a loss as to where and what exactly needs it the most. Some input would be greatly appreciated!

[quote="ChimpanzeeMinkey"]I see you, standing there so quietly,
like a ghost inside a dream-scape,
singing lullabies of hate and misery.

Untouchable, you will always be,
a figment in the distance,
here and gone again it seems.

My one and only nightmare
is that you’ll be gone forever
leaving me to fall alone into despair.

We could be together for all eternity,
like two phantoms in the nighttime,
if you’d only stay with me.quote]

Hm... Well, This poem is nice and short, and the grammar is fine, but I think you need to elaborate a little. For example -the subject of this poem. I'm left wondering if the subject is really a person or not -is it a ghost or a figment of the imagination or what? Also, maybe you could put a bit of story into this. Describe what happens between the narrator and the subject of the poem, perhaps. Otherwise, every thing is in order! Thanks for writing!
-TSM

I liked this poem a lot! It was short but it was beautiful.

I see you, standing there so quietly,
like a ghost inside a dream-scape,
singing lullabies of hate and misery.

I like the imagery here. It gives off a creepy feel with a shadow-y figure pahaha

Untouchable, you will always be,
a figment in the distance,
here and gone again it seems.

My one and only nightmare
is that you’ll be gone forever
leaving me to fall alone into despair.

Everything in the poem is so depressing but elegant at the same time. It really holds a lot of emotion and I love it. (These two stanzas in the middle are my favorite)

We could be together for all eternity,
like two phantoms in the nighttime,
if you’d only stay with me.

Again, you really put so many emotions into this piece. It was short but it was full of imagery and feeling.
Overall, I really liked this poem. It was beautifully written and very elegant. It flowed nicely and I liked the rhythm to it as well.

Sorry. I'm not very good at reviewing poems, but I really don't have anything bad to say about this :3

There's a very gentle, lilting tone to this which is nice and you make excellent use of half rhymes and full rhymes. However, I think your word choice could be stronger in places and your poem needs to be more visual and substantial, particularly since it's covering a subject that's so insubstantial. The best of poetry puts down emotions and events which are hard to describe directly into a sequence of solid images and words which all work together to describe one side of it. If you haven't already, you should read 'There's a certain slant of light' by Emily Dickinson. She catches that vague emotion of being melancholic/ unsatisfied/ gloomy so perfectly.

Anyway, on to a few comments:

I see you, standing there so quietly, [Right off, I'm going to ask you to review your vocabulary. This gives us an image, yes. But it's ordinary and every day. A person, you, standing quietly somewhere. We know no specifics, there's no tone to imply anything sinister and interest the reader that way. No. As far as first lines go, it isn't the most interesting and some people will only read the first line or two of a poem and then decide not to carry on so a poem should start strong. An example of how to spice this up would be:
'I see you, wrapped in your obscure silence' or 'I see you, silent within your oyster']
like a ghost inside a dream-scape, [Very pretty line.]
singing lullabies of hate and misery. [Hate and misery aren't solid enough for my liking. It would be better here if you gave the feel of those emotions through a specific detail.]

Untouchable, you will always be, [Not sure if I like the chance in syntax.]
a figment in the distance,
here and gone again it seems.

My one and only nightmare
is that you’ll be gone forever
leaving me to fall alone into despair. [This is getting just a touch cliche. You could say the same thing without using words like despair and nightmare and forever. One of those would be fine but all three is a little too much. They build completely the age old sentiment of 'I couldn't live if you were gone forver!']

We could be together for all eternity,
like two phantoms in the nighttime,
if you’d only stay with me. [A nice enough ending.]

I'm a little disapointed I have to admit that you didn't go into the solid descriptions more. There isn't enough scene setting here and too much concentration on the persona's inward thoughts and emotions. Demolish those. What I want to see here is her standing at the air-port or the bus station, ready to go and the unfolding of that departure combined with the sense that she's a phantom or that she might not come back. I'd just really like there to be more story here and more detail and something which makes this feel personal. Having read it all through I actually feel your beginning was stronger than your end and you should have continued along those lines.

Hope this helps a little and get in touch if you have questions,

Heather xxx