I know that I seem incredibly weak in this piece, there are a lot of things going badly in my life, and I am the type of person who needs people. Not just need to date or be dating someone, I need people in general, I HATE being alone for lengths of time, I hate silence, it makes me nervous, and anxious. And this is about one aspect of that, being incredibly reluctant to let go of my boyfriend, even though it's way past time for me to do so.
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Losing your virginity is supposed to be this big thing…I grew up thinking whole heartedly that I would only give mine away to someone I loved, and I thought that all the way up until I lost it in a one night stand. Then I thought “this is so bad, I’m gonna find somebody someday, and I’m gonna wish that I could give my virginity to them, and have that special bond, that grand memory” but then I met you, and you’re the first person I’ve seriously dated since then, with any kind of hope that we can be something more than high school. More than movie dates, and behind the bleacher kisses, and notes passed in the hallways, and curfews, and phone sex since we never see each other in a private enough space to do the real thing, and rug burns from heavy petting on the outside of our jeans.
We’ve been dating for a while and I still don’t feel like I’m dating anyone at all. And when you aren’t the kind of girl who gets a lot of attention, who had to take her gay friend to homecoming, and even he didn’t want to dance with her, who isn’t told on a regular basis that she is beautiful by any one other than her own mother, (and even then, I had to ask her) it’s so easy, for me it was at least, to sit back and say “when I finally do get a significant other, I won’t take any of thier crap. I’ll be better than that, because I’ve waited so long, and I know that I can wait a little bit longer if I have to” but here I am putting up with your shit, and making your excuses for you. I don’t even love you, I know that I don’t. But I do need you, and I didn’t even know that was possible. To need someone without loving them. Half the time I don’t even fucking like you. I can’t allow myself to, because already, whatever it is that I feel for you is obviously stronger than anything you feel for me. But I depend on you and I can’t loose you and it annoys the hell out of me, because you have so much power. It makes me afraid to love you, because I can see myself making that mistake, loving you and I can see you hurting me more than anyone else ever has.
Every time you drop me off at home instead of cuddle with me after we’ve had sex, and then go to a party, or to a bar with friends, or to play disc golf, without me, every fucking time you call me sexy instead of amazing and compliment my boobs instead of my smile, every time you wont hold my hand when we’re in public, and every time I try to talk to you and tell you how my world is falling apart because I’m watching my mother die from M.S. and my uncle struggle with failing kidneys, and how we might loose our home and I won’t be able to go to school next semster because medical bills are sapping up all of our money, and every time that the only time we have a conversation that lasts more than two scentences is simply because you’re trying to convince me to hop on a bus and come over to your empty apartment, and every time I call you and get no answer, but then I’ll finally be spending time with you and half of it is spent with you on the phone talking to your friends, every time I see pictures of your ex girlfriend on your facebook and the captions under it “look at how cute we were then. You know I’ve been meaning to get back into contact with you” and EVERY FUCKING TIME I SEE THAT YOU STILL HAVEN’T CHANGED YOUR RELATIONSHIP STATUS FROM “SINGLE AND LOOKING TO DATE” TO “TAKEN”, every time I want to complain but I don’t because you're 23 and I'm 18, and I don’t want you to feel like you’re dating one of the kids you substitute teach for… I just put up with it.
And it’s not because I love you, not by a long shot. It’s because of those rare times, when I am finally thinking clearly and I make up my mind to kick your ass to the curb, you finally, finally do something. You kiss my forehead, you smile at me in that “aw you’re so adorable” way, you show me a cute song, you squeeze my waist when you hug me and it’s one more hit of my crack. All of those things I never got, but had to sit on the sidelines and watch other girls enjoy… it’s like a train wreck, to use a way over done cliche. I know exactly what’s going to happen in the end, and it’s going to be awful, but I can’t stop and I can’t look away. I can’t let you go.
ok. Lets get down to buisness. First, I noticed a super long run-on sentance, but I think you should leave it alone. It makes the voice in my head rush, choke for air, and seemingly fight back tears. Every time you said fucking or fucker or whatever swear word you used alot, the voice fluctuated to accompany the assumed anger. Also; technically, this is not a poem. I would categorize as "other" just other. But of course, it can still be called a poem. What I love most is how detailed you were. Nothing was left unsolidified. Nothing vague or unclear. You got that part great. I love how you pop a shock with the age, which makes you open up and realize the clarity of this problem. For a second at the beginning i thought this person was a female. You might want to clarify that. Just saying. And darlin', if this is real at all, you need to dump his ass pronto. Because you dont need him. Im only thirteen and a half and already i know i depend too much bon having a partner, a boyfriend or girlfriend(cuz im bisexual you know) someone i can lean on. Trust. But i survive fine without one. My friends are there for me. Im there for them. If you want, i can be there for you too. Because we all need friends. Just remember that. Brilliant piece, i loved it. Honest. And i hope it helped alittletgo write about it.