The Realization

The Realization

I'm sorry I ever hurt you,
I really meant no harm.
Just listen to what I have to say
About the feeling in my heart.

You mean more to me than life itself,
But I cannot hurt you anymore.
I'm thinking maybe the best thing to do
Is part ways before the storm. (Note: the storm as in a humongous fight between the two characters.)

As I sit here writing this
I'm thinking of how much I miss
All the days we were happy,
But now they don't exist.

All we do now if fight, argue
And cry,
Some days it gets so bad
I feel like I want to die.

You don't treat me like you used to,
You don't make me feel the way you used to.
Now all I feel like I am,
An object, not your girlfriend.

This is killing me to tell you,
But I cannot hold it in any longer.
I think it might be better
If we take a break for awhile.

...

It's been a few weeks
Since I've been away from you,
And recently I've realized
How much I care for you.

Please
Come back to me, my love,
You are the only one
That was sent for me from above.

There's only one thing now;
One thing left to say.
Hopefully it'll make things better
It is the only way...

I love you.


I understand the topic may be a bit cliche. I was trying a different tpoic than my usual and I honestly know it's not my best. I think I should stick with what I'm comfortable with writing, but constructive critism is always welcome, especially if it helps me write better with subjects I may not be used to or comfortable with.

The Realization

I'm sorry I ever hurt you,
I really meant no harm, Try a period here.
Just listen to what I have to say, Comma isn't needed here.
And do not be alarmed.

You mean more to me than life itself,
But hurt you I can no more,
I'm thinking maybe the best thing to do, Comma isn't needed here either.
Is part ways before the storm. I like this line.

Please, don't cry, you have to understand,
This is really for the best, Period.
I want you to be happy, Get rid of comma
Before you are laid down to rest.

As I sit here writing this, Comma isn't needed
I'm thinking of how much I miss, Comma isn't needed here either.
All the days we were happy, This comma is good
But now they don't exist.

All we do now if fight, argue,
And cry,
Some days it gets so bad, No comma
I feel like I want to die. Epic line

You don't treat me like you used to,
You don't make me feel like you did, Try a period here.
Now all I feel like I am, No comma!
Is an object, not your girlfriend.

This is killing me to tell you this,
But I can not hold it in any longer, Period
I think it might be better, Don't put a comma here.
If we take a break for awhile...

... This is awesome.

It's been a few weeks, No comma.
Since I've been away from you,
And recently I've realized, Nooooo comma here.
How much I care for you.

Please,
Come back to me my love,
You are the only one, Don't put a comma here.
You were sent from above.

There's only one thing now, Try a semicolin
One thing left I can say, Period.
Hopefully it'll make it better, No comma
It is the only way...

I love you.

Okay, there were a lot of commas in here that you shouldn't have. I liked this, really I did, but the punctuation definetely needs to change. Keep writing!

Hello kimalane!

Well, I found only two bigger issues with your poem, none directly related to grammar or anything like that.

The first, I have to say, is that most of this poem sounds cliché. Of course, cliché these days is what we all feel, since it first became cliché for being so used. So I do understand it's very hard to write something that is not cliché, because our emotions are best explain though simple grammar and clear meaning. However, that is not what leads to an original poem, and that really is what we'd like to read these days. I admit I have trouble struggling away from cliché, and most times I don't even succeed myself xD So do not worry! It isn't exactly a bad thing, as it makes it easier to relate to.

The other thing is the rhyming. I know rhyming is good for a poem and it makes it more fun to read, but most times it is difficult to pull off in a way that it doesn't sound forced, like you written the lines that way so that there could exist rhyming, which usually leads to the poem to feel unnatural. It is not a major problem either, it is a small detail that makes it a bit weirder to read the poem.

As for grammar, I think everything is in order except for the capitalization of every line and the punctuation. Be a little more creative with the punctuation, don't just throw commas into the lines; a different use of punctuation can also make it more fun to read and easier to. As for capitalizing every line, it may be just personal opinion, but I think that most lines her don't require being capitalized since they follow a comma.

I found it to be clear and expressive, and the breaking up part was refreshing, since most poems are just whining about the break up, not taking the stake to do it, so that was definitely good ;D

PM me if you have any questions and hope that helped!
- Kat

Hi! Ish here to review.

First of all: I'm going to say something harsh - I didn't really like this all that much. It's a sweet poem and all, all fluffy and cute... the emotion is there, but it's dull and awfully long. Now, long poems are good, but when they go on and on about a very cliche topic, it tends to get to be a bit... too much.

Allow me to explain that a little bit more here.

I've read a lot of poems written by teenagers, seeing as I've... well, reviewed quite a few of them myself. And I suppose that I'll tell you pretty much the same thing that I've told them: This topic? It hurts, I know. It's awful to go through, I know... all of that stuff makes sense, you're going to want to write a poem about it to spew. BUT. It's a very angsty, annoying teenage-drama subject, and every third poem I read is about the exact same thing.

It's cliche - as I've just said.

Not saying that you shouldn't write about the subject - writing about it is just fine. But if you're going to write about a very... thoroughly-used subject, you're going to have to OWN IT. Make it your own - use fresh imagery, describe the way you feel without the use of cliche phrases and lines. Take the emotion out of it and pick it apart, make it more personal - more about you than the subject at hand. Now, a huge rule in poetry is 'show, don't tell.' Meaning: Don't tell me flat out that you feel upset, SHOW me that you feel upset. You get what I'm saying here? Overused subjects can be written, if you do it right.

One more thing that I want to mention is your use of rhymes: Again, I have talked to a lot of people about this, and what I say here will be similar to what I've said to them. I hate rhyme schemes more often than not - they mess with the poem, disrupt the flow, force cliches and they make certain areas look so unnatural - like you just through in whatever word rhymed for the sake of the pattern.

That's not a good thing, by the way. In my opinion, you should only attempt to make a poem rhyme if you're very careful, and you really, really know what you're doing as far as word choice and other such things go.

So, that's about all. It's a poem with potential, and the end was a bit of a twist, I suppose. The fact that you didn't end off with just plain old "it's over," you talked about how you wanted him back - which is, granted, a teeny-tiny bit different.

Keep writing,
~~Ish.

kimalane21 wrote:
I'm sorry I ever hurt you,
I really meant no harm, Period
Just listen to what I have to say, No comma.
And do not be alarmed. This line is totally inappropriate over here and even the rhyme is forced.

You mean more to me than life itself,
But hurt you I can no more, Why not keep this line simpler rather than jumbling it up.
I'm thinking maybe the best thing to do,
Is part ways before the storm. What do you mean by 'storm' over here?

Please, don't cry, you have to understand,
This is really for the best,
I want you to be happy,
Before you are laid down to rest.

What are you trying to make him understand? Before you are laid down to rest? So does this mean that he'll be dying soon? Make things clear. Try adding a bit of details to it.

As I sit here writing this,
I'm thinking of how much I miss,
All the days we were happy,
But now they don't exist.

All we do now if fight, argue, All we do now id fight, argue
And cry,
Some days it gets so bad,
I feel like I want to die.

You don't treat me like you used to,
You don't make me feel like you did, You don't make me feel the way you used to,
Now all I feel like I am,
Is an object, not your girlfriend. There'll be no is at the start of the line.

This is killing me to tell you this, Do not repeat 'this' between such short intervals.
But I can not hold it in any longer, 'cannot' is a single word.
I think it might be better,
If we take a break for awhile... If we take a break for a while.

...

It's been a few weeks,
Since I've been away from you,
And recently I've realized,
How much I care for you.

Please,
Come back to me my love, There'll be a comma after 'me'.
You are the only one,
You were sent from above. That was sent for me from above.

There's only one thing now,
One thing left I can say, One thing left to say,
Hopefully it'll make it better, Hopefully it'll make things better,
It is the only way...

I love you.

I hope my review helps. If you have any queries just let me know.
Keep writing. (:

So... Your poem has a very nice flow, it's got the correct grammar, nice structure and even a bit of rhyming. I say you did well the rhyming, the lines don't sound forced or anything.
But... I have to agree with the others here, it's a bit cliched, the topic is a bit cliched. But really, I can't think of any solution out of this. It's the best and plainest way to express your feelings. I suppose you could put similes or metaphors in there of somesorts. Whatever it is you're going to do. You have to present the poem as something new. Something that people have never really thought of before. I understand that could be a bit difficult. So, just try your best. Practice makes perfect.
Now, even though the poem is a bit of a cliche, the poem is still cute and sweet. Overall, the words flow quite well as well. Except for this line:

kimalane21 wrote:Now all I feel like I am,

I think that line trips the poem up a bit. I have to go and reread it twice to understand it. It really is noticable and disrupts the flow quite a bit.
My suggestion is that you take the word 'all' out of it. I think that's the problem word.
Other than that, I like the poem. Keep up the good writing!

Hiya there,

This poem in my opinion is really good and I personally like it however I have to say the topic is very overused. Also there is a lot of punctuation mistakes but I would use writers license to get away with most of those. Apart from those issues that I have listed above, it's very good and I really liked it. Next time try not to make it so typically depressing. Except for the minor issues which me and many others have expressed I like the general idea of it. Keep writing!

From CuteJackRussell