The Aching Heart

Grass is prickling at my feet,
my thoughts are restless in the heat.
I want to be the rushing creek,
without a care of what I seek...

I see it's shore is full of stones-
stones so hard they could break bones.
Sharp and brutal- now and then,
Almost as hard, as the hearts of young men.

I see a tall and cheerful tree,
safe and free of misery.
It's gruesome leaves are green and gay,
oblivious and ignorant-on a bright summer day.

I see a tiny silver fish,
swimming, idle, with no leash.
Lucky critter- running free,
How I wish that that was me...

So I gaze down at the clock,
and try to force my mind unlock
the mysteries of time and space,
while i let the sour tears, draw a pattern on my face.

I liked this. The emotion and all was quite real, and overall, the poem was good. I have a few nitpicks though.

I see it's shore is full of stones-

It's gruesome leaves are green and gay,

It's means "It is" while its is "belonging to it." You want "its."

Almost as hard, as the hearts of young men.

This seems to hurt the flow a bit. I'd get rid of "young" ...and the comma.

I see a tiny silver fish,
swimming, idle, with no leash.

I liked this, but the rhyming's off. Try and find a different ending for the second line, or revise the first. I realize there's not much (fitting this poem) that rhymes with fish or leash, so if you leave it that's fine, of course.

the mysteries of time and space,
while i let the sour tears, draw a pattern on my face.

I loved this! But it killed the rhythm... D:

Grass is prickling at my feet,
my thoughts are restless in the heat.
I want to be the rushing creek,
without a care of what I seek... - I love this stanza.

I see it's shore is full of stones-
stones so hard they could break bones.
Sharp and brutal- now and then,
Almost as hard, as the hearts of young men. - Rather harsh but true.

I see a tall and cheerful tree,
safe and free of misery.
It's gruesome leaves are green and gay, - you're contradicting yourself here. gruesome and then gay? it doesn't make sense
oblivious and ignorant-on a bright summer day. - don't forget to put spaces.

I see a tiny silver fish,
swimming, idle, with no leash. - love these two lines.
Lucky critter- running free,
How I wish that that was me... - yeah, sometimes i feel this way too.

So I gaze down at the clock,
and try to force my mind unlock
the mysteries of time and space,
while i let the sour tears, draw a pattern on my face. - I like this stanza as a whole but the last line broke off the rhythm.

Overall, it was a well-written piece. The structure was well-formed and the flow smooth until the last line. fix it so that it matches the poem better.

You had good imagery here and you described stuff well. Here's a few things I noticed:

Grass is prickling at my feet, Epic first line
my thoughts are restless in the heat.
I want to be the rushing creek,
without a care of what I seek... Just a period would work here.

I see it's shore is full of stones-
stones so hard they could break bones.
Sharp and brutal- now and then,
Almost as hard, as the hearts of young men.

I see a tall and cheerful tree,
safe and free of misery.
It's gruesome leaves are green and gay,
oblivious and ignorant-on a bright summer day.

Try capatalizing every line.

I see a tiny silver fish,
swimming, idle, with no leash.
Lucky critter- running free,
How I wish that that was me... Again, the dots...

So I gaze down at the clock,
and try to force my mind unlock
the mysteries of time and space,
while i let the sour tears, draw a pattern on my face. Capatalize i here.

Overall, I liked this. It was cool and very enjoyable. Keep up the good work!

This was pretty. I could tell you bended some words to get it to rhyme, but I'm not one of those picky people who really care about that.
One question:

It's gruesome leaves are green and gay

How are the leaves gruesome? I looked up the word, just in case it didn't mean what I thought it did. (But it does.) It means great horror; horribly repugnant; grisly. That doesn't really fit in with the rest of the picture you're painting of the world. Nice alliteration, though!
Keep writing!

I didn't like it much. It didn't flow well and seemed very rectangular. What I mean is, it seemed that instead of trying to get your point across, you were trying to make it rhyme. The rhymes weren't very clever as they were a bit elementary. I liked the idea behind this poem, but if you want it to be more successful you should look into making it flow better.

thanks, you're so kind , sapphirewednesday...

I gotta say your poem is inspiring and lovely. I wish I could write as well as you. I've got a few poems I've written and I was hoping you would take a look a them and see if you like 'em. There is only one or two that need to be rehearsed, written.. they need alot of meaning to it so I guess I should write it down first and then type it right in. I loved your poem and I hope that you'll keep it up, Im looking foward to reading more of your creativity.