deleted

deleted

Hmm...

I enjoyed the poem. The premise was solid and understandable, it had good repetition in parts, and I liked the rhythm and rhyme. *mutters incoherently about free verse.* It was a good poem.

Keep that in mind.

Comments.

Content:

A thoughtful poem. I'm not really sure what to say about the content. I liked it; I don't know if I could critique it as such. The ending was a little disappointing. 'It's all the same' is such a dull way of ending a story or a poem. It feels like you're on drugs and singing Paul McCartney's 'Let it Be,' only not quite as comforting as that. But I really enjoyed the premise: what if you had nine hearts and could feel with all of them? What would be different?

You had a rather abrupt change from 'nine hearts' to 'no heart' without any real connection. Suddenly you're off wondering about a totally different topic, and it's a little bemusing. Maybe make a link, like putting a line in such as 'would nine hearts be better than none?' or even 'Would nine hearts be different than one? Would one heart be different than none?' Just draw a line between the nine hearts and the no hearts, or the nine hearts and the one heart, like you drew a line between one heart and no heart.

Spelling and Punctuation:

Would their still be enough room

There, not their. There is spelled like here, their is spelled like like her, and they're is they are.

It's my life
I do what I want
But that's not true

I realise when writing a text or a chat message that it is so much easier not to bother with apostrophes &c, but in the case of it's especially, there is a word 'its' and it means something different than 'it's'. Its, without an apostrophe, is 'belonging to it,' like 'hers' or 'yours.' 'It's' is a contraction of 'it is' or 'it has.' Shouldn't be that hard to remember

With its bumps and potholes
With its dreams and set goals

Used the its correctly here. Nice

That are given to you the one with one heart

Put a comma in between 'you' and 'the one with one heart.' It makes it clearer and easier to read.

Bad ones ore none

Realise the ore is probably a typo. Just pointing it out.

I really did like the poem, a lot. When you compare content-wise what I left unchallenged, you will notice that it far outweighs any objections on my part.

Do keep writing. This was almost a cheerful poem, and I respect that.

Mrs.E.D.

If I had nine hearts
Would it push me to love?
Would it make me bear the gifts This sentence feels awkward here and seems too long.
He sends me from above?
If I had nine hearts
Would I change my ways?
Or seek the same shame
I had yesterday? Nice
If I had nine hearts
Would their Eeeek! It's not posessive. There means a place. "Over there" or "Under there"!still be enough room
Or would I assume
Its for me to chose Simple error. Choose.
The way I live
Its Ahh! You need an apostrophe after the it and before the s because it's means it is. Its like you have it spelt here means posession. my life
I do what I want
But thats Don't forget the apostrophe after that and before the s because that's means that is! not true
You know that, too
Life is a road
With its bumps and potholes
With its dreams and set goals This confused me when I first read it. You mean for people and the goals they've already set but when you first read it, it sounds like they are going to set goals. Very confusing, maybe a word change would be good for here!
That are given to you
But if you could choose between one heart and none Too long.
Would you rather be heartless
Having no one This thought feels unfinished.
But it goes to show
Whether nine hearts or one
Bad ones or none This doesn't flow right since there is one in the line and then "bad ones," just makes it flow uneasily.
The same song is sung Nice ending

I overall liked this poem, but there is room for emotion. It's more like a rhetorical question poem, informing them of each option rather than letting them feel what you mean by nine hearts can make you love that much more than if you were heartless, having no hearts. There's room for improvement but I loved it

Keep writing!

Lele

lele253isme wrote:
If I had nine hearts
Would it push me to love?
Would it make me bear the gifts
He sends me from above? -these two lines seem unfitting for some reason to me...
If I had nine hearts
Would I change my ways?
Or seek the same shame
I had yesterday? - I like this.
If I had nine hearts
Would their still be enough room
Or would I assume
Its for me to chose - This line and the two above it, completely mess with the rhyming scheme, since you have 'room', 'assume' and 'choose'.
The way I live
Its my life
I do what I want
But thats not true
You know that, too - i personally might take out the 'too'. i think it might flow easier without it.
Life is a road
With its bumps and potholes
With its dreams and set goals - Good.
That are given to you
But if you could choose between one heart and none -As others have pointed out, it's an unexplained jump from 9 nine hearts to none. Connect the dots a little please.
Would you rather be heartless
Having no one
But it goes to show -These couple lines fit together really well!
Whether nine hearts or one
Bad ones or none
The same song is sung

- These last two lines are drawing the whole piece down. 'Bad ones or none' isn't the best and 'the same song is sung' is a strange ending to such a meanginful poem.

I really liked this whole piece - despite my possibly too harsh comments. :/
The feeling of wondering what would be different if you had nine hearts to love with, to hate with, but then realizing that although nine hearts would be better than one, one heart is better than none.
That part was my favorite - but as i stated, the connection is a little vague with your wording.

--PurpleHeart

If I had nine hearts
Would it push me to love?
Would it make me bear the gifts
He sends me from above? For some reason I don’t really like lines 3 and 4. Would having an extra heart help you bear gifts from god? It’s just a strange concept to begin with. And it isn’t consistent with the rest of your poem.
If I had nine hearts
Would I change my ways?
Or seek the same shame
I had yesterday?
If I had nine hearts
Would their there still be enough room
Or would I assume
Its It’s for me to chose
The way I live
Its It’s my life
I do what I want
But thats that’s not true I know your grammar was corrected already, but you should probably go back and edit through these.
You know that, too This whole poem has had kind of a self-evaluation tone, and suddenly you switch it over to ‘you’. It just feels a little weird.
Life is a road
With its bumps and potholes
With its dreams and set goals
That are given to you
But if you could choose between one heart and none
Would you rather be heartless
Having no one
But it goes to show
Whether nine hearts or one
Bad ones or none
The same song is sung

I like this! It makes you think, plus it’s original. I don’t think I’ve ever thought about having more than one heart, so to speak  So props for being creative!

I like how you were able to rhyme the whole thing, it’s not an easy thing to do! I encourage you to try different rhyme schemes so that you can branch out a bit more in this area, since you are already showing talent.

Well I hope this helped
~blacksheep

This was an interesting idea, and I love the wordchoice. You made some grammer errors and in doesn't flow properly at all times, but that was already talked about in previous reviews. I like the way you say nine hearts. Why nine? I thought of a cat. If you had nine lives, would you have more time to find love? See, that's just how my mind works. I've never concidered it before, but I wonder what it would be like to have nine hearts....better what if the guy I liked had nine hearts.....-goes off into her little fantasy world- sorry, I'm rambling. Good poem, write on!

Is there any special signifigance in Nine? It is a possible avenue you could consider expanding on-- like one heart for freindship, one for love, one for selflessness, etc. I really like the concept and the ideas you explore. For some reason I really relate to the lines:

Would it make me bare the gifts
He sends me from above?

Your voice is really strong in passages like:

I do what I want
But thats not true
You know that, too
Life is a road

Also the ending wrapped it up perfectly. It works similarly to how the end of Shakesperean style sonnets work. Great poem, keep up the good work.