Evergreen

Spoiler

This is my very first draft, and I know it's awkward in some places. I've coloured bits I'm thuinking about changing green.

Ever, ever, evergreen,
Who doth know where you have been?
Druid’s bane and druid’s green.
Brightest, brightest evergreen.

Ever, ever, evergreen,
Decked in blood of brightest sheen.
Witness to what should never have been,
Silent, watching, evergreen.

Ever, ever, evergreen,
Decked with baubles, shine a-keen.
Soon will die, never again green,
Never, never, evergreen

Hi!

Well, while I like the premise of this, I think there's too much of 'een' endings which doesn't sound good when you read the poem as a whole. How about alternate rhyme schemes? I don't like the use of brightest over here. I don't think it does justice to the rest of the flow. Otherwise good work!

This is so cool! I loved it. Just a few things that I noticed...

Ever, ever, evergreen, I'll use green for this
Who doth know where you have been? Hey, as long as we're using doth, you could change 'have' to 'hath' if you want. I really like old English
Druid’s bane and druid’s green.
Brightest, brightest evergreen.

Ever, ever, evergreen, This line makes me smile.
Decked in blood of brightest sheen.
Witness to what should never have been,
Silent, watching, evergreen. Creepy, but cool!

Ever, ever, evergreen,
Decked with baubles, shine a-keen.
Soon will die, never again green,
Never, never, evergreen I loved this ending line here!

This is a really cool poem! I loved the first line and everything. Thy poem hath awesome rhythm. Keep up the great work! It's so awesome!

eh. The rhymes were too easy. Seriously, evergreen and green don't count as a rhyme. Not a fan of the archaic language, no one takes that seriously anymore. You won't see any poetry publish that is written using archaic language in this way. Poems with a rhyme scheme like this... you know

A
A
A
A

A
A
A
A

A
A
A
A

are boring. That's all there is to it. There's no variation, nothing interesting to pull me in.

Hi there. Lavvi in to review your poem today.

You know, I'm partial to poems like this so you're lucky I liked this I've been quite blunt with reviewing today.

I took a preference to your "ever, ever, evergreen" lines: the repetition added a much-needed rhythm. Oh, and by the way, the rhythm was spot on.

It was a very pretty, gorgeous poem. I don't have much to say about it except that I liked it. Except, though:

Soon will die, never again green,

I found that line stumbled a bit in beat, you might be missing one or two syllables to even everything out.

Yours,
Lavvi

I'm having a hard time seeing the rhyme scheme. But I do think it's a wonderful poem and I personally don't think you should take the parts in the green out:)

If I can just say one thing it would be this sounds like an ode to me. You know all those YWS users that post "Ode to this" or "Ode to that?" Well in my opinion Ode to Evergreen would be a perfect title. You can take it or leave it.

This sounds kind of old fashioned because of the use of the word "doth." Not that that's a bad thing, I just wondered whether it was intentional or not.

It's a great poem though. I enjoy "liking" things. Trust me, I never review something I don't "like" afterwards. If I took the time to review it I promise you I liked it. I don't review things I don't like because then it's just a burden. *clicks like*

Cool poem. I think that the line

Witness to what should never have been

could be fixed if you change it to

Witness to what never should have been

or

Witness to what should have never been

As far as the rhyme scheme is concerned, the rhymes are good, but they need filler inbetween them so they are not overwhelming. If you want to expand, more midevil refences would be neat. I liked the line

Druid’s bane and druid’s green.

though you probably shouldn't be ryhming "green" with "evergreen". Keep writing