Birds On a Wire

Inspired by a Regina Spektor song. c:




Birds
sitting on a wire
watched you walk away,
beaks sharp and pointed
though not as cruelly edged
as the sneer you just sneered
and the lies you just spewed.

They took to wing
as you turned the corner,
and disappeared in the neighbor’s
perfectly pruned trees,
but their absence meant nothing,
went completely unnoticed,
when yours was so gapingly obvious.

I sat on the crab grass in the front,
lacking a melancholy porch,
and wished I could take to wing to follow,
to see you from afar, just like the birds
sitting on the wire nearby,
which were gone when I looked again.
Must everything leave?

I love Regina Spektor, and I love the song this poem was inspired by!

Persephoneia // Coral,

You're a great poet. I find it difficult to nitpick your poetry, because, stylistically there is nothing necessarily wrong with it. I'll nitpick though, and say that a couple spots read more like prose than poetry, but I honestly like that. Oh, and crabgrass is one word. Other than that, this poem makes me want to find out what's so cool about Regina Spektor.

Great work!

---Spork

Really love this Persephonesia it was beautiful. I can't find anything wrong with this at all so yays!!1 Really loved this and I can't wait to read more of your works XD....even if it seems this one was old LOL. Anyways good job and happy review day!!! Keep up the good work and I can't wait to read more of your works once I have had time to review more XD. Keep up the amazing poetry and Happy Writing!!
Soulkana<3

I love the use of detail. I also like how you waited till the last stanza to connect back to "I". The last line didn't really feel like it fit. The whole poem was both unique and creative. I loved it

Wow this was really great! I really loved the idea. Also, the detail was fantastic! Perfect imagery. Very original and well written piece. Good job.

I've not heard the song but this poem is beautifully written. I think there's a good, strong tone behind it, a lovely use of firm images and some nice sentiment. It could perhaps benefit from some slightly stronger word selection but in general, it's great as it is. Here's a few comments/ suggestions:

Birds
sitting on a wire
watched you walk away, <<< [Love the image of birds sitting on a wire but I think 'walk' could be stronger. Maybe even change the whole phase walk away. I'm not sure what to though. It just seems that it's a little weak at a crucial, early part of the poem where you should be drawing your readers in.]
beaks sharp and pointed
though not as cruelly edged
as the sneer you just sneered
and the lies you just spewed. <<<[I'm a little iffy about spewed as it's quite a humorous word and doesn't quite fit the serious, solemn feel of this poem.]

I sat on the crab grass in the front,
lacking a melancholy porch, <<<[Love this line!]
and wished I could take to wing to follow, <<<[A bit of a mouthfull...]
to see you from afar, just like the birds
sitting on the wire nearby,
which were gone when I looked again.
Must everything leave? <<<[I don't know that you need this last line. The previous one is so powerful and I can't help but feeling that this one detracts from that so I'd suggest removing it.]

Nothing else I can say against this so thanks for the read and keep up the good work!

Heather xxx