First Love, First Truth

Dear you,

I see your face for the first time
and know it is love
for when I tell you something
you start to laugh a lot
so at these times my face will redden
and it will stay that way
because I know i will think of you frequently
more like everyday
I hope and pray you'd like me too
maybe one day we could be together
or maybe one day I could actually meet you
so please keep this in mind
and consider it at your best
think of it constantly
because i won't like you any less

Love,
?

Hi.

You commented on a poem of mine so I thought I'd return the favor. But first of all, welcome to YWS. I hope you shall enjoy your stay.

This poem read like a marriage vow to me. I don't know if you intended that. Perhaps it's because of your last line. Also because you seem to be painting a picture of a love story from beginning to a promise that love will never end, and that's usually the template for a marriage vow. I think.

I think it's a really sweet poem. The first part of it recollects young love while the latter part seems more mature. I think that this still needs some work though.

As I said above there's a difference between the first half of your poem and the latter half. You describe blushing and this other person being your weakness. It's very young love-ish. Whereas in the second half you use words like 'darling' and 'marriage' which is an older, more mature take on love. Now that being said, since there are two different phases in this poem, I think you should divide it. There's really no separation in this poem except for the lines. The lack of punctuation also makes this quite confusing. I think the best thing you can do is separate and punctuate this so that it doesn't get confusing where one thought begins and another ends.

I think you have a strong voice as a writer though and you can really harness that in your other works. There was a simple and honest sentiment to this poem that I really appreciated. I think in your further works what you need to explore is how to depict your feelings with more metaphors and imagery.

I really enjoyed reading this and would love to read more from you. Just PM me for any questions or if you want a review on your other works.

--Nixie

Hey I agree with Nixie really, you just need to separate it into stanzas. Just because the different aspects of the poem will come across better if it's broken into sections. Punctuation would help just to create some pace in the poem, giving it some rhythm. But it's very sweet so great work and keep it up xXx

This seems like a very classic falling in love then all the following falling into place, etc. I like how you used "'til death do us part." It added a very nice feel to the meaning of your poem. I would also have to agree with the two previous reviews, I really do think this is one that could easily be split into stanzas. Just because this is very much free verse does not mean that it can't be divided. But that is personal preference. This would probably flow pretty easily into music if you are musically talented and put forward some effort into getting the other requisite pieces for a song. Again, personal preference. I really enjoyed reading it, so well writ.

I think that this poem wouldn't hurt with puctuations put in it.
Whilst we're at grammatical errors, may I suggest that you split the poem into stanzas? It's easier to read and once again, looks more structured and finish.
A bit like this:

peachygirl101 wrote:I see your face for the first time,
And know it is love.
For when I tell you something,
You start to laugh a lot.

So at these times my face will redden,
And it will stay that way.
For, you are a quiet one, And can I quickly mention that the first comma is vital. The meaning changes if you leave it out.
Who won't get away.

Given a single weakness,
I will worry the most or more.
For, you are my darling.
I will love through the core.

And so on.

The grammaratical problem aside, this is a very sweet poem and I like how you put this:

peachygirl101 wrote:'til death may we part.

in the end. Makes the poem more powerful.