Today, we dance.

My writing class had to observe our surroundings for 30 minutes and then write a poem about what we found. This is my first stab at poetry so please, feel free to violently tear it apart.


Laughter bounces off the walls

as many merry people meet to do what we all love.

Perform.

Today, we dance.

Swaying, stumbling, panting, falling.

Energy radiates in the form of the beat, heavy and unwavering

Each move as fleeting as the next

We struggle to flow as one body.

All keep quiet and humbly try

the most that they ask of us.

Although this craft isn't always easy,

it's what we signed up for, and what our lives will be

for January, February, March.

Song. Dance. Laughter. Acting.

We are performing.


~Taylor

I liked this! I was heavily involved in drama club in high school, so any reference to the stage or acting is alright by me. The only thing I really have to say is that "each move as fleeing as the next" would read better "each move as fleeting as the next." Also, the line that starts of "swaying" - the other words in that line are clumsier, I know you had "stumbling" in there, for example. "Swaying" doesn't seem to fit with the other three words.

Other than that, good job, especially for a first attempt at poetry!

~Blue

Hey,

For your first attempt, this was very good! I thought this was a really cute, carefree poem and even though it was a *little* short, it was very sweet. I don't really have much to critique on since grammar isn't my thing. My only advice is to make it a little longer. Great work!

Favorite Line: 'Energy radiates in the form of the beat, heavy and unwavering'

Grade: A

~Jas

I thought that this was fun and lighthearted. I enjoyed it.
"Laughter bounces off the walls

as many merry people meet to do what we all love.

Perform."
Okay, first I think we need to lose the rhyme since it feels a bit awkward and because it's the only rhyme in the whole poem.
Also, I think you should put a colon or something after love, instead of a period.

After unwavering, you should put a period.
Actually, I think this poem might work really well with no punctuation at all...just my opinion, though!

"All keep quiet and humbly try

the most that they ask of us."
I have to say that these lines don't make a whole lot of sense. Who're "they"?

"for January, February, March."
Why these months?

Ilovebubbles123 wrote:Laughter bounces off the walls A tad bit cliched.

as many merry people meet to do what we all love. Hmm...I don't know if I like "meet."

Perform. Too straightforward for my taste.

Today, we dance. Nice line.

Swaying, stumbling, panting, falling. Nice line (again).

Energy radiates in the form of the beat, heavy and unwavering, "In the form of" could be stated in a less straightforward way.

Each move as fleeting as the next

We struggle to flow as one body. Look around for some alternatives to "struggle."

All keep quiet and humbly try Oooh, careful with the adverbs!

the most that they ask of us.

Although this craft isn't always easy, Could be stated better.

it's what we signed up for, and what our lives will be

for January, February, March.

Song. Dance. Laughter. Acting.

We are performing.

Nice job, this being your first stab at poetry. I encourage you to try it out more often!

-Kafka

Luv Luv Luv it! thats all i have to say!

-cassidyrose

I. Loved. This. I just noticed a few things you may consider:

Laughter bounces off the walls

as many merry people meet to do what we all love. Try capatalizing this line

Perform. I love this line.

Today, we dance. And this one.

Swaying, stumbling, panting, falling. And this one too.

Energy radiates in the form of the beat, heavy and unwavering

Each move as fleeting as the next

We struggle to flow as one body.

All keep quiet and humbly try

the most that they ask of us. Capatalize

Although this craft isn't always easy,

it's what we signed up for, and what our lives will be Capatalize

for January, February, March. Capatalize

Song. Dance. Laughter. Acting.

We are performing. The last two lines here are super!

Wow. This poem is splendid. I think you did a fabulous job with this and I wouldn't change anything except capatalizing stuff. GREAT JOB!!! And keep writing!

Laughter bounces off the walls

as many merry people meet to do what we all love.

Perform.

Today, we dance.

Swaying, stumbling, panting, falling. Someone stated earlier I don't think Swaying fits here

Energy radiates in the form of the beat, heavy and unwavering

Each move as fleeting as the next

We struggle to flow as one body.

All keep quiet and humbly try

the most that they ask of us.

Although this craft isn't always easy, love this line very much reminds me of when I was in speech

it's what we signed up for, and what our lives will be

for January, February, March.

Song. Dance. Laughter. Acting. love this line hahah

We are performing.

Keep up the good work you did very well in this poem!!! Just fix what the reviews pointed out and I'll come and read it again haha. Good job and keep up the good work I truly loved this. It made me feel free haha. Good luck and may you receive many helpful reviews!!! Happy Writing and best of wishes! I hope this review helped in some way hehe. Good luck with your works and I will surely read more if you send me a PM or post or if I can find the time to review I shall find more ^^
Soulkana<3