A Siren's Soliloquy

The men shout as the storm brews in
Some of their foots connect with my shin
I can’t understand why
I couldn’t move because of the song travelling through the sky

The rain poured in on my face
I stared at her revealing lace
She sang her own soliloquy
To her, I had so much to say

I dove in the water
Making last minute prayers to my Father
I heard the ship unite with a rock
My men’s screams were filled with shock.

I swam up to the beautiful lady with a harp
She smiled and touched me, her nails sharp.
Her white wings stretched up in the air, basking in glory
I was love struck; her eyes were sorry

“Do not leave me, my love,” I whispered as I floated on the sands of Byron.
She grants me with a kiss, my beautiful Siren.

This was beautifully written. Sorry, I'm not help, but I don't have anything to say about improving it. Good job with it. Can't wait to see more of your work.

Keep writing~
Blue.

I, too, can't really find anything wrong with this. It was beautifully done. I love how it was inspired by a song. I try to do that sometimes, but it never works out that well. You did a fabulous job with this. Keep up the great work! Keep writing!

The men shout as the storm brews in
Some of their foots connect with my shin feet..
I can’t understand why
I couldn’t move because of the song travelling through the sky this line is too long

The rain poured in on my face
I stared at her revealing lace so.. why has the POV changed?
She sang her own soliloquy
To her, I had so much to say soliloquy doesn't rhyme with 'say'

I dove in the water
Making last minute prayers to my Father
I heard the ship unite with a rock rock is a motion, not a sound. I understand but it's a 'forced rhyme'
My men’s screams were filled with shock.

I swam up to the beautiful lady with a harp
She smiled and touched me, her nails sharp.
Her white wings stretched up in the air, basking in glory glory doesn't rhyme with sorry
I was love struck; her eyes were sorry nice line, very beautiful

“Do not leave me, my love,” I whispered as I floated on the sands of Byron. awkward line lengeth, beautiful wording
She grants me with a kiss, my beautiful Siren.