Bouquet of Bruises

Scarlet petals leaked from her skin,
dancing between torn pores to the cruel world above,
a rose perfume strong enough for the sharks to smell
in the ocean that roared two miles away.
Tears, salty as those roaring waters,
fell softly with a silence that lent serenity
in the midst of brutality.

She cried out as her piano-player hands,
so fragile and delicate,
scratched the floor, searching for safety
when she was shoved to the ground.
Her knees burned from the rough rug beneath her,
but she caught herself well;
she’d had plenty of practice.

Another singer’s sorrowful scream ripped through the air,
as once again, he viciously grabbed her hair,
accompanying her hurt with a harmony of yells,
of demands and rhetorical questions
drifting through the walls of the flat,
only to be hesitantly ignored by neighbors,
who just wanted to be left alone.

A slap proved to be the eye of the storm,
when she stood and raised her hand like
she’d never done before, but had wanted to
for such a long time.

Everything was still,
and then they were plunged once again into the fury
of harmful winds and hurt,
as his face contorted into a hurricane of hate.
Her cries grew louder with his fury, seemed to sprout
from that red mark on his cheek, shaped so delicately,
with an almost graceful slope to the red silhouette.
The people across the hall turned up their music
and tried to drown themselves with shameful ignorance.
Their guilt sang louder than the stereos could go.

Mourning-glory marks
would decorate her on the morrow,
when he’d calm back down again and apologize,
and she’d turn away and mumble a few words,
trying to forget the monster inside her house.
The neighbors, chancing upon her in the hallway,
would turn away in embarrassment,
hollow apologies in their hollow eyes,
when they happened upon her husband’s
display of love, a beautiful bouquet of mottled black,
blooming across her lovely face.
Hers would be a muted mortification.

Her release, her rescue from the man
she used to love, and who taught her silence
with the back of a meaty hand,
rested in those shame-faced neighbors,
who’d put their hands on a phone,
but lost the nerve over and over again,
not wanting to create trouble,
not wanting to be involved,
who allowed evil in the world,
again and again and again.

Spoiler

Ending was "mottled blooms written across her face" but I changed it to "a beautiful bouquet sprouted.... thoughts?

And THEN I added an entire new stanza. Again, thoughts?

So, this was a really random write for me. (yay for accidental alliteration?)
I know this really needs work- I'm curious, specifically, if there is enough emotion and/or concluding tone? I wasn't sure on either part, and I might add onto it, if anyone thinks it's worth it. Any input at all, even if it's just a single word, would GREATLY be appreciated. Thanks for reading. c:

-Coral-

It's fantastic! Concluding tone definitely needed. Emotion...yes maybe but it's very good even so. Think about what your conclusion really is. Is it about the neighbours turning a blind eye? If so, why don't you focus on one neighbour who does, and start with them, hearing it throught he wall and then go on to also talk about the abused wife, and then back to the nieighbour and finish with the neighbour. Just a thought.

Otherwise, maybe try to break it up into smaller lines and be more concise. Make sure you start and finish on a very powerful note, more than anything else, and have some build up to some kind of climax.

Hope this helps ^^

Yo!

I actually looked at this poem half an hour or so before you asked me to review it... Creepy. Anyway, yeah! Here I am to review it! Is it okay if I review this and your chapter...? You said that I could review either, but I want to review both... Wow, don't I sound like I have a life? I'll be honest when I say that poems aren't exactly my strong point when it comes to critiquing, but I need the practice if I ever want to improve. Taking that into account, my review may be a little sketchy. I will try my best though!

Wow... I loved this. What I find rather surprising is the fact that I understood what it was about! Normally with poems written in this kind of style, I end up completely confused by the end. I seriously applaud you for allowing someone as simple as me to understand what the theme of this poem is. Speaking of the theme... I love it. it's clearly not a happy one, but you've written it exceptionally well. It's almost as though you've turned something so vile and horrible, but written it in a way that almost portrays it as something beautiful. it really sinks in, and is very striking, I must say.

Now for critiques... This should be a laugh... I will be able to think of something, I promise. Just give me time... Okay, I think I've got one, even if it is rather minor and pointless. Hey, it's still something! Mind you, looking down, it's actually what's already been said. I'll mention it anyway! Basically, although I do love the idea of the poem, I'm not sure about the message you're trying to get across. Is it about the ignorance of domestic abuse? Is it the reality of it? Is there even a real message? Do you see what I'm trying to say? Sorry... I suck at explaining things.

Another thing I'd like to bring up (Yes, I have somehow thought of something else) is the structure of the poem. I'm quite picky with layouts and things, so this may be just my OCD side kicking in. What I want to say is that I'm not overly keen on the way you've set the poem out. This is a very dramatic poem, right? I think that if you maybe add some shorter lines, maybe even one worded ones, this could be even more brilliant. I'd also maybe consider cutting a few of the stanzas in two, maybe? In the end though, the structure of the poem is up to you. Do what you want with it!

I think that's it... Sorry for not being an awful lot of help. I seriously do love this, you know. It is so getting the like button from me.

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

Persephoneia wrote:Scarlet petals leaked from her skin,
danced I think dancing might go better here between torn pores to the cruel world above,.
rose perfume Switching these words around might flow better strong enough for the sharks to smell
in the ocean that roared 2.6 A number like this, especially because it has a decimal point, is ruining the flow of the story. Not to mention it sounds too specific, and that also ruins the flow. I think the poem might do better without it. miles away.
Tears, salty as those roaring Maybe blue would be better here. People connect the word blue with the ocean more so than the word roaring waters,
fell softly with a silence that lent maybe you could use placed serenity
in the midst of nothing other than brutality.

She cried out as her piano-player hands,
so fragile and delicate,
scraped againstnot really that necessary the floor, searching for safety
when she was shoved to the ground But wasn't she on the floor, if her fingers scraped it?.
Her knees burned from the rough rug beneath her Her fingers scraped the floor, which suggests that it was made of some rough material like linoleum. But then you talk about a rug here. Perhaps you want to explain?,
but she caught herself well If she'd caught herself, mostly likely she would have put her foot out to stop the fall and then her knees wouldn't have touched the floor ;
she’d had plenty of practice.

Another singer’s sorrowful scream punctuated punctuated makes me think of writing. I think you meant either punctured, or simple pierced the air,
as once again, he viciously grabbed her hair, Did he grab her hair before? And her attacker is a he? She seems to know this, perhaps you should have mentioned it the first time he shoved her
accompanying her hurt with a harmony of yells yells aren't harmonious. Perhaps you should have said discord,
of demands and rhetorical questions This might be better as: demanding of her and posing questions rhetorical. But it's just a suggestion
drifting through the walls of the flat.
only to be hesitantly But quietly ignored by neighbors I don't think it's possible to be hesitantly ignored. You either decide to ignore someone, or you don't. It's not a decision you hesitate about ,
who wanted to only be left alone.

A slap proved to be the eye of the storm,
when she stood and raised her hand like as if
she’d never done it before, but had wanted to
for such a that part isn't really necessary long time.
Everything was still,
and then they were plunged once again into the fury
or was this meant to be of? harmful winds and hurt,
as his face contorted into a whirlwind one using a whirlwind sort of over-describes to the extent that the line is confusing of hate.
Her cries rose grew louder as with his fury grew; it seemed to sprout
from that red mark on his cheek, shaped so delicately,
with an almost graceful slope to the red silhouette.
The people across the hall turned up their music
and tried to drown themselves with shameful ignorance.
Their guilt sang louder. I like these last three lanes. People to scared to intervene in what they know is wrong.

Morning-glory marks
would decorate her on the morrow,
when he’d calm back down again
and apologize, and she’d turn away and mumble a few words.
The neighbors, chancing upon her in the hallway,
would turn away in embarrassment
when their eyes happened upon her husband’s
display of love, a beautiful bouquet of mottled black, Maybe a combination of the two: a mottle bouquet of black
sprouteding across her lovely face

All in all, this was pretty good. At first it had me really confused and I didn't get what was going on until the last two stanzas. But I do like this, I especially like how you painted the reactions of the neighbours: that's life. They do nothing. And how she stuck with him in the end; again it's a terrible thing but it's what usually happens. Great job, and KEEP WRITING!

TIGERSPRITE

P.S. *likes*

I really enjoyed this. The way you use language is truly your own and incredibly interesting. The clarity it retains through all of its complexity is amazing. But I've given you enough compliments on your style before that you should be able to fill in the blanks on what else I would say here
My main criticism, like some other reviewers, is that it's not clear whether this poem is focused on the apathy of the neighbors or the abuse itself. Right now it's sort of split between the two stories. That said, I love both stories and I'm not sure that I would've liked the poem as much without both elements. So I guess the story being split isn't so much a criticism as an observation.
I also felt that the first stanza was by far the weakest part of the poem. I know you love to make unusual comparisons and use a lot of description, but that stanza felt like you let your style run free and you ended up losing some of the content that the rest of the poem. Reign your stylistic urges in a little bit to make sure your meaning isn't getting lost in description.
I disagree with Adam and Skins on the point about adding shorter lines. They just wouldn't fit with the style that you use here and would disrupt the deep, wandering feel of the poem.
You've written another gorgeous poem. I know I've given more criticism than compliment here, but that's mainly just because I assume you have my compliments memorized by now.
Amazing work.

Hello!

I am here as requested!

I can see your problem and I do think more emotion is needed as at the moment all we have is visual imagery(I will come to that soon) Again, like some of your other pieces, you don't have the emotion behind some of the words, for example :

from that red mark on his cheek, shaped so delicately,
with an almost graceful slope to the red silhouette.

That is a concise good piece of imagery . . .but then what. What could the red silhouette represent, personify it as your emotion or something. I think you are right however, put it is mainly the emotion.

With the imagery, it is beautiful . . . but you have too much. For the length and the theme of the piece the imagery is too over-powering for anything else to come through. The main culprit for this would have to be your first stanza.

a rose perfume strong enough for the sharks to smell
in the ocean that roared 2.6 mi away.

It just become excessivly uneeded if you know what I mean. I would go through and get rid of someof your imagery and then back the rest up with emotion.

The actual thought and theme behind the poem is outstanding however, and I feel that it could be an amazing piece with a little work, without a shadow of a doubt.

Keep it up, and I will always be happy to review!

~Retro Disco666

Persephoneia wrote:Scarlet petals leaked from her skin,
dancing between torn pores to the cruel world above,
a rose perfume strong enough for the sharks to smell
in the ocean that roared two miles away.
Tears, salty as those roaring waters, You don't need this roar, it's redundant. It's a little to close to the other one. You might want a different word or just to remove it, it holds the same effect either way.
fell softly with a silence that lent serenity
in the midst of brutality.

She cried out as her piano-player hands,
so fragile and delicate, You don't mention the hands being damaged or something of that sort. So I don't exactly see the point of saying that they're fragile and delicate. And You can even show this by saying they ripped apart when she clawed at the floor, or whatever. So you may want to lose this line.
scratched the floor, searching for safety
when she was shoved to the ground.
Her knees burned from the rough rug beneath her, Now then, with the way these actions are presented, I am picturing a girl, on her knees with her hands in front of her, gripping that carpet. And that is combining this image with the last a little a bit. Now, my problem with this is that: The first image, scratching at the floor, makes me think she's on her back, or stomach, because if you fall onto your knees, I don't think you'd scratch at the floor, I think you'd stand and run or curl up into a ball.

So, my issue is that I believe that they are somewhat conflicting. Just a simple change of a few words, such as scratching to gripping can help these actions reflect eachother. Oh and speaking of them reflecting eachother, can you scratch the floor if there's carpet there? But I think changing to gripping would fix that as well.
but she caught herself well;
she’d had plenty of practice. I think this should be she's. Because without the contraction, it would be she has had. Which I'd think contracts to she's?

Another singer’s sorrowful scream ripped through the air,
as once again, he viciously grabbed her hair, You don't need viciously, if she's screaming, we can already tell it's a violent scene.
accompanying her hurt with a harmony of yells, You may want to rephrase this, this being only the lines between hair and neightbors. Lines 3,4 and 5 in this sanza. Because when you say, this with this. It doesn't sound as strong as saying this is this. Because if you're with something, you can break that connection, but if you are something, there's no connection to break. If that makes any sense. You should try to include some form of a metaphor, or simile. This is only a suggestion on how you may make this a little stronger. You don't have to, it's just an idea.
of demands and rhetorical questions
drifting through the walls of the flat,
only to be hesitantly ignored by neighbors,
who just wanted to be left alone. You don't need to mention that they just wanted to be left alone. The simple fact of ignoring this means that they want no part of it.

A slap proved to be the eye of the storm,
when she stood and raised her hand like
she’d never done before, but had wanted to
for such a long time.

Everything was still,
and then they were plunged once again into the fury
of harmful winds and hurt,
as his face contorted into a hurricane of hate.
Her cries grew louder with his fury, seemed to sprout
from that red mark on his cheek, shaped so delicately,
with an almost graceful slope to the red silhouette.
The people across the hall turned up their music
and tried to drown themselves with shameful ignorance. You've said this already, in the above stanza. You don't need to repeat yourself. honestly, I think this one is better than the aboe because it uses more poetic devices.
Their guilt sang louder than the stereos could go.

Mourning-glory marks
would decorate her on the morrow,
when he’d calm back down again and apologize, The act of appologizing let's us know that he's calmed back down.
and she’d turn away and mumble a few words,
trying to forget the monster inside her house.
The neighbors, chancing upon her in the hallway,
would turn away in embarrassment, You don't need the in embarrassment, because you turn from someone for a reason. I think we can figure out that they're embarassed just from the next line.
hollow apologies in their hollow eyes,
when they happened upon her husband’s
display of love, a beautiful bouquet of mottled black,
blooming across her lovely face.
Hers would be a muted mortification.

Her release, her rescue from the man You should remove this line and open with the next, it will flow better with the previous stanza that way.
she used to love, and who taught her silence And should this be your opening line, you might want to change it to: Learned from repeated silence. Then go into a line or two about how those neighbors let this happen, not describing the neighbors, but only their actions, like mentioning the phone and how they always put it down. And that's where you'd end it. And sorry, I don't mean to take control of this.
with the back of a meaty hand,
rested in those shame-faced neighbors,
who’d put their hands on a phone,
but lost the nerve over and over again,
not wanting to create trouble,
not wanting to be involved, You've said this already. This and the above line. Plus it's implied when you say they lose the nerve to call 911.
who allowed evil in the world,
again and again and again.
-Coral-

Over all:
You have A LOT of imagery, honestly, it's too much. You have a great use of imagery to describe the beatings and all of that. But where this comes to hurt you is when you go and describe the look on neighbor's faces, and you go into incredible detail, it's not needed.

The only parts that you should be describing indepth about the neighbors and other minor things in this poem is how they directly effect the girl / man.

I also think you have a lot of unneeded lines. Like saying she turns away and mumbles. That's not that important, but what is important is that she tries to forget this.

I'd like for you to go over this, and ask yourself, what ideas are needed, absolutly 100% needed. What objects and actions directly effect your characters. And is what they are doing important enough to help us get an idea of what you're talking about? Or is it forcing your ideas, leaving no wiggle room, like prose.

Also, this poem doesn't totally move, you describe the abuse, she fights back then gets beat some more.
What you have in the beginning, describing how damaged she is, is good. You can go from that to describing how she'd fight back and then to how she gets beat.
We'd know she was beaten previous just from the damage described and the fighting back. We can then also get an idea of how she was beat before fighting back, based on the descriptions of how she was beat after fighting back.

I did like how the stanzas went from one idea to the next rather smoothly, so good job there. And I gave my thoughts on that before too.
Also, pm me when you've done this and I will take another look at it.
Good luck, keep writing.
PM me with any concerns or ways to improve my reviews;
Silented1.

This an absolutely exquisite piece, beautiful and stirring.
Thats all I really have to say.
Keep up with the fantastic work, I also loved the poem about the hospital jail cell, you are fantastic!

Please excuse me if some of this doesn't make sense. I'm not sure how to exlain some of it.
Overall, it's obvious that you're a very skilled writer... and that you write books. (Or maybe I just know that because I've read some of the chapters. Either way.) Poetry descriptions and book descriptions can be very different sometimes, because in poetry, it's hard to just tell the story and make it work. With books, you have hundreds of pages and chapters to build upon so there's room for many metaphors, similies, descriptions, and simple sentences to guide you through the massive detail. But with poetry, you need to dive down into the core of the feeling and figure out exactly what the subject means to you. Although there are many ways to describe what you're feeling, all together it's too much to write down, and there are only a select few that hit the nail on the head and force the reader to feel what you feel as well.

That been said, I guess what I'm trying to say is that sometimes you still sound like you're writing a big story. Granted, poetry tells stories too... but in a different way. Your descriptions and imagery are fantastic, as always. But sometimes there's so much to read that I lose myself, and when I regain my thoughts they start to sound like a bunch of book descriptions that set the picture but not really the mood. It's a lot to take in, and sometimes too much for my little brain to handle, haha. So, my only suggestion is to limit yourself to only using what works best for the piece. It's like apples. I'll eat one that's not bruised, and it will taste alright. But once I eat that big, shiny apple that's just right, it will taste so delicious that the 'okay' apples will be just as dull as the bruised ones. ONLY PICK THE DELICIOUS APPLES. All the other ones are just blocking you from the one you want.

Again, all of this is just coming from my point of view, and honestly, I struggle with almost everything I criticize, all the time. By all means I'm anything but an expert, so I hope I don't sound like I'm trying to come off as one Your writing is unique to you. No matter how much I like or dislike your writing (though I've never disliked anything of yours), the fact that we all have our own preferences and writing style remains. Great work

If none of this made sense, feel free to slap me in the face. Preferably on the right side, because I'm weak on the left.

Hello! Your poem is really good! You use a lot of words that I don't know the meaning of hahaha, thats a good thing =) I'm not sure how I can tell you to make it better because I think it's amazing. Theres a lot of imagry and actions and a lot of senses used in it =) Its a little sad and you've created the mood really well. Theres a lot of metaphors and cool techniques aswell!! I really like this poem =) Your a really good writer =D