Fate hill

Sluggishly, we pull our sins
towards our end.
Some carry with strangled rope,
digging their heels into the blistering sand.
Others carry theirs as carry on luggage on their journey.

I stopped half way up the hill
to drink and look how far i've come;
and i've got to go.

I squint and stare to the top of the hill.
The golden sun echoing the end
and signally that it is time.
I turn and see the fields,
the flowers. The thorns.
I see all the way back to
the calm blue embryo sea.

So far. So soon.

A woman, with golden hair
trips and slides down the sand
leaving a trail behind her.
We applaude her, she has long to go.

Another woman, clinging a sleeping
child to her stomach. Walks past calmy,
her thin head looking to the sun,
yet she does not shield her eyes.
They are into the sun before time has passed.

I stand again. I look towards the sky.
I will be there soon. I don't fret,
I am content with my fate.

The worlds slugs on;
The sand burns;
The climb is steeper.

My teeth grit through parched lips.
As I begin to walk again,
with fate in hand.

Firstly I'd like to say that I really liked this poem, I like how it's written in 1st person, I haven't seen many good poems on here written in that form. (:

Secondly I'd like to make a suggestion of capitalizing the first letter of each line. This is just a personal preference and I know that some readers prefer to keep it uncapitalized if it's not the start of a sentence, so it's your call really on that one.

retrodisco666 wrote:Sluggishly, we pull our sins
towards our end.
Some carry with strangled rope,
digging their heels into the blistering sand.
Others carry theirs as carry on luggage on their journey.

I stopped half way up the hill
to drink and look how far I've come;
and I've got to go.

I squint and stare to the top of the hill.
The golden sun echoing the end
and signally that it is time.
I turn and see the fields,
the flowers. The thorns.
I see all the way back to
the calm blue embryo sea.

So far. So soon.

A woman, with golden hair,
trips and slides down the sand
leaving a trail behind her.
We applaude her, for she has long to go.

Another woman, clinging a sleeping
child to her stomach, walks past calmy.
Her thin head looking to the sun,
yet she does not shield her eyes.
They are into the sun before time has passed.

I stand again. I look towards the sky.
I will be there soon. I don't fret,
I am content with my fate.

The worlds slugs on;
The sand burns;
The climb is steeper.

My teeth grit through parched lips.
As I begin to walk again,
with fate in hand.

Red are my suggestions. The part in Green is something that is worded quite strangely and could be made more clear. And Purple is what I really, really liked. (:

Overall this is a pretty darn good poem and definitely gets a like from me.

Keep up the good work,

~Crim

Hi so I really liked the poem and I agree that it is very well written for a first person poem. I'd like to point out a few small errors though...

Sluggishly, we pull our sins
towards our end.
Some carry with strangled rope,
digging their heels into the blistering sand.
Others carry theirs as carry on luggage on their journey.

I stopped half way up the hill
to drink and look how far i've come;
and i've got to go.

I squint and stare to the top of the hill.
The golden sun echoing the end
and signaling that it is time.
I turn and see the fields,
the flowers. The thorns.
I see all the way back to
the calm blue embryo sea.

So far. So soon.

A woman, with golden hair
trips and slides down the sand
leaving a trail behind her.
We applaude her, she has long to go.

Another woman, clinging a sleeping
child to her stomach. Walks past calmy,
her thin head looking to the sun,
yet she does not shield her eyes.
They are into the sun before time has passed.

I stand again. I look towards the sky.
I will be there soon. I don't fret,
I am content with my fate.

The world slugs on; or The worlds slug on;
The sand burns;
The climb is steeper.

My teeth grit through parched lips.
As I begin to walk again,
with fate in hand.

That's all. I can definitely relate to what you are saying though. Overall, it was very good. Hope I helped a little.