Hospital Calamities

His hand coming down,
smack smack smack
Rattling my teeth
clack clack clack
My breathing coming harder
rush rush rush
A knife to my stomach
gush gush gush
Voices in the hospital
weep weep weep
The heart monitor sounds
BEEP..... BEEP.... BEEP....

Haha this was funny to me. I like the way you made the poem matter-of-factly; though it could have had more emotions in it. -__- Also, i liked the title. Keep it up

Doxie00, the point of the poem was to void out emotions completely and just see what's happening. This is a very different writing style than what I usually use, but I wanted it to seem more elementary. I wanted to focus on what's happening, instead of explaining how it happened or what it makes people think. I left that up to the readers. I'm glad you liked the title and thanks =]]

I love it.

You'll hear people say "Show, don't tell"--meaning, do exactly what you've done here.

Good job.

And yeah, I read this really quickly, so it's a bit hard to connect with emotionally, but I like it. It's....... a very sad poem that reads in a fun way. *head tilt*

What I mean by that is that the sequencing of the words, the thrice repeated word on the last line of each stanza.... they just lend themselves to reading with..... spirit? Can't find the word I'm looking for, but like I said, it makes me read it quickly.

@ animekaratepup, that was exactly what I was going for =] I mean, 'a very sad poem that reads in a fun way' It's a sort of signature thing I like to do, even with my music. I like making things very... melancholy. And I'm glad you appreciate it. =] Thanks for the review!

Rather odd way of writing a poem there tylyns but I say you made it work out well ^^ Good luck and Happy Writing!!!!! Hope you do well and improve greatly. Good lucks with your poems!!!!
Soulkana<3

I really like it! It was very fun to read But then again it was kinda sad:D Very nice use of onomatopoeia!