The Fire

This is VousEsEtonnant and I's entry for the Poetry Pairs contest. Enjoy

The fire once bled up into the sky
Infecting the air with its smoky sigh,
Twisting, turning, gliding with ease
Destroying the homes we'd found.

Shining, reflecting the fear in our eyes
We huddle together and wail out our cries
“Please save us, we do not want hell!"
it hears us, and mocks our fear.

Consuming our hope, leaving nothing behind
there, the spell grows and contorts in our mind.
the flames that once tortured now seem to allure
us to see the fire's horrific deeds.

It knew we must realize the danger in sight
But the spell has made us vulnerable to its fierce light.
The flames are taunting, though why were we scared?
Death would free us from this horror.

But the flame's bright embers go on forever
They call to our skin, forcing us to surrender
Charred bones and ashes are all that remain
But the fire holds them in triumph.

The love we concealed in our once beating hearts
is now absent among the dead
Now there is nothing left to hide our fiery lust
and we live like the fire once did.

I liked this poem. It was pretty good. Here's some of my thoughts:

You had a decent rhyme scheme going until the last stanza where you just randomly broke off from your set-up. Maybe try something like: The love we concealed in once beating hearts, now absent by Hell's flaming arts... or something along those lines.

The first two lines rhyme unlike the last two. This can usually be pulled off if the last line is one or two words. With this poem, it would sound much better and flow easier if the last line was no less than three words. That is just my opinion. When I read it through, the last line doesn't seem to flow well.

Change the last line or even make the last two lines rhyme like the first two. That will give some structure to your rhyme scheme.

Good job, and keep writing.

~JG

This is beautifully tragic.

They rhyme scheme threw me off, though--why did you decide to rhyme in the beginning of each stanza, and not the end? And why is the last stanza different?

Overall, I really like this piece.

] I make really short, honest comments so please bear with me.

] first, I say that you're a great team.. This poem sounds good, even the concept you have here. I'm an Arian (a person under the zodiac sign of Aries) and fire is my element, since I am so fascinated with horoscopes.. yeah I am so interested with anything related to "fire" hahah.. sorry if I have to say things that you might not be interested with.

] Back to your poem it'll he 5/5 for me! Thumbs up! Haha!

- WRITER, MAJOR IN ROMANCE

p.S.

good luck for the contest!

Good poem!!! I really loved the emotion and description you guys put into this. I was confused by the rhyme but other than that I really loved this. Hope you get many reviews and good luck on the contest!!! Keep up the good work and I hope to read more of your work soon!!!!! Good luck and Happy Writing!!!
Soulkana<3

-_- woulda flowed better without rhyme. Too much restriction. But that's the price I pay for pairing up with someone. Dont get be wrong, B is an uh may zing writer. But I am VERY picky ahout rhythm and I just dont like our entry.