Sweet Tea

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She sits,
Watching the old willow branches sway
And the tall grass ripple
Through her dreaming eyes, cloudy blue, but still sharp.

She sees the peeling paint on the
Porch railing,
And remembers the day
He painted that wood.

She could still hear
The clicks
And pops of
The old record player,
Spinning and singing with the
Voices of Frank
And Ella and
Edith and Louis.

And she watched him
From inside as
She washed the dishes.
And she smiled because
He didn’t know she could see him
Dance like a fool,
His trousers splattered with white

She couldn’t resist,
And she found herself
Dancing out the door and slipping
Into his arms.

He may have looked like a fool
Before but he was light on his
Feet, and in fact,
He had won her heart on
The dance floor.

So many days
They spent
Laying in that tall grass,
Watching the sun
Sail overhead through
The leafy tendrils of the willow

They sipped sweet tea.
They talked about everything
And nothing.
They dreamed
And then they made it all
Come true.

And now as she watches her whole life,
She thinks of all
Those who find regret
And unhappiness
In everything they've done.

And she smiles because
She sees none of that
But only sweetness,
Even in the
Hardships,
Because he was always
Her honey,
And she was his sweet pea.

And no matter what,
They could always
Sit and watch the sun melt away
Behind the pines
At the end of each day,
Hand in hand.

They would
Clink their glasses and toast to
Endless bliss
And
Sweet tea.
Last edited by mollycarraway on Tue Apr 19, 2011 11:14 pm, edited 4 times in total.
"Music - that's been my education. There's not a day that goes by that I take it for granted."
-BJA

‎"I always thought insanity would be a dark, bitter feeling, but it is drenching and delicious if you really roll around in it."
-The Help




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Hey there, molly!
So, I thought this was a nice piece, though I have a couple of suggestions.

1. Structure
This was a very thin and almost flat feeling piece; the structure was so spread out that this read almost like a train of thought while it was actually a story. I feel like if you were to take out some line breaks and introduce a different rhythm that way, it would feel much stronger. Right now, the structure makes it feel almost delicate.

2. Punctuation
I will start off by saying this: it is true that there are many ways to punctuate poetry. You can go with the method that you've chosen, capitalization at the beginning of every line, and that's it. However, this method often comes across as stilted and jolty. I would suggest punctuating this just as you would a paragraph. It's just like prose-- you create a much more directed rhythm in your words, which dramatically increases readability. You can direct the reader where you want them, place emphasis in the right spots, and your ideas are much more organized.
Coupled with the changes in structure, I would organize your first stanza like this:
She sits,
watching the old willow branches sway and
the tall grass ripple through
her dreaming eyes, cloudy blue, but still sharp

rather than
She sits
Watching the old willow
Branches sway
And the tall grass ripple
Through her dreaming eyes
Cloudy blue
But still sharp

Do you see the difference? They're minor alterations, but they introduce a whole new tone. This kind of structuring and punctuation makes the reader focus on the words more than the whole, which is very important.

3. Imagery
You have some really nice thoughts in here. I love the simplicity of the tone and the images that you used were very effective in furthering the type of feel you wanted. The second and third stanzas were simply superb because of this.
However, there were a couple of things that I thought you could do to improve this even more. Try incorporating a couple more fresh images; make us see things in a new light, one that hasn't been explored by language before. I find that's one of the best things about writing: doing something no one has ever done with images before. Try using a big more figurative language in your descriptions, and I really think that this could blossom into something great.


4. Vocabulary

There were two things in your vocabulary that I'd like to focus on: consistency and relevance.
You seemed to waver between writing naturally and then introducing words that were a bit lengthier and prettier-sounding, but in the end, it started sounding more unnatural than anything else.
The other thing; relevance. I think that you're a bit caught up in how the words sound as a whole. And while it's good to use the connotations that a word carries with it rather than just the straight up definition, try playing with it a bit. Introduce new elements, things that you might not normally associate with your subject. Have fun with your word choice, and it will be a much more interesting read (and write!).


Overall, nice piece. I think that you could probably give it a bit more weight, as it's very simplistic right now, but it's well done. Let me know if you have any questions or anything, and I'd be glad to help! c:




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Hey Perse,

So yeah, it's true, I'll admit I'm not really one for long lines. Maybe it's my mild ADD, but when the lines get too long in a poem I start to have trouble following. I found that when there were shorter lines, and the transitions were more frequent, it forced my brain to pay attention and thus I found myself being able to appreciate poetry more fully. However, I will also admit that the lines here /did/ make for awkward reading. I didn't think through it before now, but when I read your feedback I did my best to go back through and remove the breaks where it needed a better flow. I hope you'll be able to go through again and reread, and maybe you'll find it to be a lot better. As for structure, well, I don't think I'm an experienced enough writer to really be able to follow where you were going with that. Honestly, I don't tend to think of writing as weak or strong. I wish I knew what I could do to fix this poem, but at the moment I'm a little bit lost. Hopefully in the future as I build myself as a writer, I'll be able to figure it out. In the way of imagery: when you said "figurative language," did you possibly mean similes and metaphors? Because when I write, I don't like to use those as often. I try to be straightforward and simplistic. Maybe it's just a reflection of my own personality, because I tend to be pretty blunt. I don't like to beat around the bush. And with vocabulary, well I'm thinking that something I'll be able to understand better when I gain more experience as a writer. But for now, if you wouldn't mind giving me some examples from the poem that you think need work in that respect, that would be lovely. I feel like I'll understand where you're coming from a lot more when I know what exactly needs the help.

Thanks again for your feedback! When I go to write new stuff, I'll take your advice into account. :)
~Molly
"Music - that's been my education. There's not a day that goes by that I take it for granted."
-BJA

‎"I always thought insanity would be a dark, bitter feeling, but it is drenching and delicious if you really roll around in it."
-The Help




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Gender Female
Points 39955
Reviews 1288
You have quite a lovely poem here with some good images. However, I agree with Persephoneia about the lack of punctuation. To me, that is far and away the worst thing about this poem. Go through and punctuate your lines like they were sentences in a paragraph. It will make the poem much easier for your readers to read.

As for vocabulary, I think she was referring to this stanza:

And now as she watches her life
In retrospect
She thinks of all
Those who find regret
And dissatisfaction
In their past endeavours


You've used quite simple language up to this point, and suddenly we see three big words all lumped together. I would rewrite this with simpler language. This would also be a good place to put in imagery. What do these people see when they look back on the past?

Sorry I can't write more, but I have to go. Nice job and keep writing!
"You do ill if you praise, but worse if you censure, what you do not understand." Leonardo Da Vinci

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