Faded Whisper

Spoiler

I'm not really sure what type of writing this is...so I thought it would be safe to stick it in the "other" category. I hope you enjoy it!

I can see you as I am sitting in the corner of our favorite coffee shop.
You are talking to her again and the pain has pierced my heart.
What does she have that I am lacking?
I see you quickly look around the room before kissing her cheek.
Obviously you cannot see me sitting here all alone.
I can hear your voice clear as day.
I can read your expressions as if they were written on your shirt.
The warmth of your presence is felt by the sudden burning of my face.
She spots me sitting here in the corner.
I can hear her hiss into your ear that I saw the whole thing.
You are too embarrassed to look back at me so you walk out the door with her on your arm.
And I can still hear her faded whisper.

Hey there Jessa, Pink here.

I'm not sure what this is either. It seems to be a mix between a really short story and a poem or some sort. You did good by sticking it in other because I wouldn't know where to place this either. lol.

Now, as far as my review goes. It's going to be pretty short because I don't have much to say about this...
First of all, I feel bad for your main character. Second of all, have you thought of making this into a short story? It'd be sort of cliche but if you can work some description and imagery into there and mix it with some deeper feelings, it might turn out to be a good read. That's your decision though. I see this better as a short story on it's own instead of short story/poem. Ahaha.

"I can hear your voice clear as day.
I can read your expressions as if they were written on your shirt."

^ This part is a little confusing for me because I'm not sure what you mean by it.
1. She's explaining how she can read his expression right then and there.
2. She's talking about how she's the only one who could 'read' him personally and how their relationship was.

Now, my main question is. Expressions can be read. They're already on your face so why must they be on your shirt too? Do you get what I mean? It's kind of pointless to say she can read them when most people can read anyone's expression. However, if you say 'feelings' or something in that area, now that's different. ^^

Overall, it's an interesting piece. I just wish there was more because I feel like I'm being left out somewhere...
Anyway, good job. Let me know if you have any other questions.

Keep writing,
-Shear


p.s. You are my 600th review. Congrats!

First of all: WOOHOO *does dance* you got Pink's 600th review! And that rhymes!

Hey Jessa, I have seen you around the site before, but I don't think I have read anything of yours before. You said you weren't sure where to put this, and I am afraid I can't help much. Though it tells a story like a short story would it reads somewhat like a poem in the fact that you only have one sentence for each line. I have read poetry like that, with one idea on each line I mean, but all of those poems had a bit more rhythm to them. If you played with your wording a bit you could easily make this into a poem and if you just expanded you could make this into a short story. But I don't think you should do either. Because this started so.. between.. the two worlds I don't think it would work really well. Also, I think the only thing from keeping this piece from being overly cliched

I can see you as I am sitting in the corner of our favorite coffee shop.

I am not sure why you say 'our' here because for the rest of the poem you talk about he doesn't know she is alive. It gives readers the impression that they know each-other.

I can hear your voice clear as day.

Along with you your statement that he is talking to her again this leaves me wondering what she is saying.

I can read your expressions as if they were written on your shirt.

This part really bothers me for some reason. The metaphor is a bit awkward. You stated that he kissed the girl so it is kind of obvious that she can read his expressions. Also, two lovers together usually are obvious. So you don't need to tell us.

And I can still hear her faded whisper.

I think 'but' would be a better word than 'and'.


I am really sorry for the horrible nitpicky review. I think you could elaborate a tiny bit on some details. Make the piece longer, but still keep your format.

Hope I helped some,

A. S.

Personally, I'd call this a narrative poem, or a "prose poem". But I suppose "Other" is a fine place for it. Whatever this is, I quite like it. And I'm going to dissent from the majority opinion here and say that I like the "on your shirt" line. It implies that his expressions are bigger than his face, or that she's scrutinizing his features at a higher level of detail than you would expect from across the coffee shop.

The warmth of your presence is felt by the sudden burning of my face

Now this line seems awkward when I read it out loud. I'd try streamlining it a bit. Maybe "My face suddenly burns from the warmth of your presence."

Other than that, I have no suggestions. Good job and keep writing!