A Lesson In Love

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I really don't ever write poetry, so please rip this apart! Thanks in advance for any reviews. :D

A Lesson In Love

She was a happy child at age eight
With no shoulders bowed down, bearing a weight
Her parents were in love, or so she thought
Until the event that ripped them apart

At the age of twelve she had become aware
Of the tension that was adrift in the air
Her mother had streaks of black from her eyes
While her father’s mouth was chock-full of lies

By the age of fourteen, her parents had split
Divorce papers were signed and then that was it
The reason, she found, for all of the strife
Was that Father had been untrue to his wife

Her entire world came tumbling down
She turned reclusive, never went out to town
For fear that people would see her and know
The shame that clouded her family so.

In her room, she drew and wrote short stories
All of them dark and all of them gory
Giving vent to her anger, pain, and sadness
In ways that would hide her increasing madness

How could two people, in love with each other
Grow so far apart, like Father and Mother?
How could they tell her of their younger days
And end up right here, in this kind of haze,
A nightmare without a foreseeable end
The separation of each from their best friend?

With all these thoughts and the recurring dreams
Of unending sadness, darkness, and screams
She grew harder inside, till the little girl
Who had once had visions of a joy-filled world,
Was locked away in a corner, kept shut tight
To be revealed only through tears in the night

At age eighteen, she was ready to leave—
The house, the town, she needed a reprieve—
The memories were far too painful to bear
She could not wait till she was out of there

She didn’t have a boyfriend; she once had tried to
But since she couldn’t tell if what he said was true,
And each encounter, to her complete disgust,
With another female was fraught with distrust,
The whole thing fell through within a week’s time
And she was left curled up in dust and grime
Convinced that love was all a big scam
It didn’t exist—not with a man.

She gave up completely on ever finding love
And contented herself with the mere reading of
That wonderful feeling which she’d never know
The one place she never would let her heart go

She wouldn’t listen whenever God spoke
She would just close her ears and cry and choke
On her built-up anger, self-pity and doubt
And she never made an effort to get out
Of the rut she was in, though it ate away
At her young spirit, day after weary day

So she went through life, living it all in fear
Of the things that could hurt her, every year
She never got close to anyone else
She put all her dreams high up on a shelf
Where no one could find them or try to make
Her precious ideas disappear and break

Eventually she grew sick, but no one knew
And at the not-too-old age of seventy-two
She had an attack; she dropped to the floor
To rise, live, and breathe—nevermore

Her life was unhappy, not fulfilled in the least
Always worried that she would be hurt by a beast,
A monster called “love” that prowled around,
Ensnaring people and dragging them down
Tearing their lives completely apart
Ripping and rending to bits their hearts

She never got it through her head
And by then, well, she was dead
She never learned the golden rule
That without love, you’re just a fool
Yes, there will be hurt, but that’s part of it all,
Sometimes the pain’s big, sometimes it is small
But however hard at the time, it does not detract
From the very important, imperative fact
That love is what makes it all right in the end
Love can take the shattered pieces and mend—
The hearts that were broken,
The words that were spoken,
The pain that was caused—
Love acts as the gauze.

Love is what makes people laugh and smile
Love is what makes life all worthwhile.
Last edited by Ranger Hawk on Tue Nov 30, 2010 4:38 am, edited 1 time in total.
There are two kinds of folks who sit around thinking about how to kill people:
psychopaths and mystery writers.

I'm the kind that pays better.
~Rick Castle




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Alright so, I think that this is a well written poem about , I like how you have shown progression of age through the stanzas too. I like the message, there are a few places I thought it could be improved, but that is okay. I'll just point out two things.

Thought and apart didn't really seem to rhyme..

"She never learned the golden rule
That without love, you’re just a fool"
this isn't the golden rule, lol.




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I really liked the story of this poem, and the lesson at the end is just beautifully worded. However, and I don't mean this to sound too harsh, I think this poem would be a lot more effective if it were not rhymed perfectly. Free-verse poetry is one of my favorite forms of poetry. There's this line, though, that I really love:
In her room, she drew and wrote short stories
All of them dark and all of them gory

I like it because of the symmetry between the two times you say "all of them." Also, the rhyme isn't perfect, so it makes it a little more interesting. Also, if you're writing a long poem like this, meter can help to make the rhythm a little more punchy, and therefore a lot easier to read.

All in all, a beautiful story. Keep up the good work!
There is so much said in the silence. But writing, for me, became a way of fighting the repression, of protecting no one, of saying everything. I began to write to save my own life.




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Hi Ranger Hawke!

Rhyming poetry can be fun, but it really restricts a writer's word choice. Remember poems don't have to rhyme. Seeing as you don't write lot of poetry, it would be a great idea to start with free verse. It will give you more freedom to choose words and express your ideas in the a better way. There was a lot of room for original ideas and imagery in this poem. Perhaps there is a lack of it because of your rhyming constraint. I also felt this poem was too long. You repeated a lot of the things you had already mentioned. I was losing interest and had to force myself through it. The beginning was interesting enough and the end also kept my attention (though the last stanza was also repetitive).

By the age of fourteen, her parents had split
Divorce papers were signed and then that was it
The reason, she found, for all of the strife
Was that Father had been untrue to his wife

Such attempts at rhyming drag your poem down. A lot of the words seem forced because you have to fit them in to make the poem rhyme. Get rid of that.

Her entire world came tumbling down
She turned reclusive, never went out to town
For fear that people would see her and know
The shame that clouded her family so.

The "world tumbling down" is an overuse and almost cliche image. Make the idea more original. You need to make sure that you keep each stanza of your poem as original and free of cliches as possible. It's not an easy thing, but that's half of what poetry is about.

In a lot of the latter stanzas you just repeated the same ideas over and over again in different words. You can shorten it. In conclusion, I would recommend that you get rid of the rhyming scheme and try to find a better choice of words and explain your ideas in a more original manner. Use creative imagery. Imagery gives a poem soul. Also, get rid of any lines or words the poem can do without. Keep it concise. I really don't think it has to be the length it is right now.

Apart from all that, the poem has the potential to be powerful. It is quite sad, and there's a great concept you have there. Remember you don't have to conclude your poem with a moral. Readers are smart enough to pick up on a theme. Forcing down morals is never fun. But I do like the theme and it was a thought provoking poem. Thanks for the read!

Good luck with the edits!
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You said that you don't write poetry, well I think it's high time that you start doing it, because you clearly got gifts:) The whole tread with the age-thing is very interesting and allthough there were some clumsy rhymes I think it works as a whole. I especially like the following sentance "How could two people, in love with each otherGrow so far apart, like Father and Mother?" Your use of the words Father and Mother instead of dad and mom gives the poem, for me, a whole new dimension because it gives the poem a more severe look.
Keep up the good work !




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I thought this poem was beautiful and heartfelt, daughter. It actually touched my heart deeply: I recognised some of myself in that.

Also, at the part where she said that she had tried love and failed, I thought of the song 'mine' by Taylor Swift. Have you heard it?

Mum.




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Aw thanks! This was something I wrote a while ago to work through a lot of the same feelings and such. I haven't heard that song, actually; I'll have to look it up. :D
There are two kinds of folks who sit around thinking about how to kill people:
psychopaths and mystery writers.

I'm the kind that pays better.
~Rick Castle




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I really really like this! It's beautiful! It makes me emotional; and I'm sure alot of people can relate to this. It's touching, even. And I love how you added a moral to it.

But I find odd, is that you changed your writing format. How it went from each stanza being 4 lines to 6 and then it just went everywhere. I'm no poet- Ill be the first to admit it- but I'm a singer as well as a writer. And I know well enough from writing songs that everything needs to be even and balanced. But no need to obsess over your work's work.

I loved this emensly! Keep on writing!
-Ruth




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This is pretty good. Can I just add one thing? The segments, or whatever you want to call them, are a bit too long for me. Maybe you could split them, just so they're four or five lines long. It's just how I write my poems, anyway, and I find it easier to read aswell.

Anyway, I did like it. Seeing as you don't write poetry much, it's a good go at it. Keep going, because you will get used to it and become a poetry queen! Maybe not a queen, just you'll get really good at it some day. Keep writing. :D
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Hey Ranger, thought I would stop by. I liked this poem, and I felt like I could relate in certian parts, since my parents are divorced (This is Sakuragirl1 speaking, just to let you know). It was well written and the emotions were portrayed well. I will say that parts of it didn't seem to flow well, and there were a few forced rhymes. Also, I'm not sure if this is true or not, aren't stanzas supposed to be relatively the same length? Even if they're not, having some that are really long and some that are really short seemed a little off to me. Lastly, you skipped a lot of her life. You talk about her being 18, then living her life believing love is not a good thing, and then she's dies at 72. Maybe add more ages between those two? Well, thats it and I hope I helped! This really was a great poem and I enjoyed reading it.




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I'm not that great at poetry either but once in a while one "POPS" into my head. This was a very well written and itneresting poem. I like poem that rhyme and tell a story both. I love the progression from her earlier years through the parents' divorce, etc.

My parents aren't split but I can still feel for the character and understand how she feels without experiencing it first hand. I love how you described everything and used details. THe rhyming is awesome! HAHA.

You've probably received all the criticism you need on improving it. I didn't see any grammar issues that haven't alrady been noted. Will look at more of your wors soon!
90% of writing is re-writing!



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