My Fallen Star

I wait for you
Alone in the night,
But in the distance I hear
The beginnings of a fight.

I find you there
Fallen, bloody, broken
While the others run away,
Not a single word spoken.

“What did they want?” I asked,
“Why was it you?”
You replied, “I have no idea,
It’s not up to me whom they choose.”

“This isn’t fair,” I said
With tears in my eyes.
This would not be, could not be,
The most tumultuous of goodbyes.

“I see the lights dear,
I believe it is my time
To go home to the stars,
And to learn how to shine.

“I’ll miss you, my love,
But please understand,
You are so wonderful;
You will find another man.

Who loved you as I did,
Stayed with you in the early hour,
To hear your lovely voice
As delicate as a flower.”

With that, his eyes closed,
And his breaths became slow.
His slight whisper of love;
The kindest words I will know.

A kiss to his forehead,
An “I love you” to his ear;
As I looked into his eyes,
I knew he felt no fear.

Then with his body still and quiet,
He soared into the skies;
Now I know that he is with his stars,
And he is learning how to shine.

Oh, this poem was so sweet! It made me tear up at the end! Excellent job, keep it up!

I don't know, I mean. There's some interesting stuff, it's a story, I like those things, but the delivery just isn't working for me. The rhyme scheme makes it really singsongy like a night before christmas or something, which really bugged me. I think it would be way more effective if you took off the restrictions imposed on the poem by the form, if you eliminated the rhyme and focused more on sensory details rather than just telling us what's happening. I don't know. Maybe it's just too sentimental? Usually when I'm writing and I think someone in my narrative is gonna cry, they don't. Sure, it's heartbreaking, but it's also obviously heartbreaking. Things with more subtle delivery are often the most effective.

whoa- really love the essence of love in this poem.. although it was a little sad because the boy/ man died here. :'0

I like the poem, so emotional. But here are some things that turned me off.

“I see the lights dear,
I believe it is my time
To go home to the stars,
And to learn how to shine.

“I’ll miss you, my love,
But please understand,
You are so wonderful;
You will find another man.

Who loved you as I did,
Stayed with you in the early hour,
To hear your lovely voice
As delicate as a flower.”

Those three stanzas quite confused me. Why? Because I didn't knew who said it. After the first stanza, I thought that the second stanza had still the same character saying it. So that quite confuse me, a little.


“This isn’t fair,” I said
With tears in my eyes.
This would not be, could not be,
The most tumultuous of goodbyes.

Tumultuous didn't quite fit the poem. The poem was plain and simple, then suddenly, tumultuous came out. I had to search what it means before I knew what the last line signifies. Probably, a more simplified word will fit the line.

But overall, it was good. Thumbs up, except at some parts.