O, Watchman, Sitting on the Roof

*If you're confused about the scansion, it's written in "aba, cdc, efe" format.
*This is meant to appeal to readers whom can relate to this story in some way, so it's not meant to take place in any particular place or time. (Use your imaginations!)


O, Watchman, sitting on the roof,
Rifle in hand,
Ready to shoot.

Watching streets covered in snow,
Smoking away at a cigarette,
Sounds average, no?

One thing that probably didn't cross your mind,
Was his background,
And all the secrets of his kind.

But just to shed some light,
I'll tell you of this man,
And give you just a little insight.

His name is Ewan,
A nice young fellow,
No older or younger than forty-seven.

When he was a child,
His father had passed,
And his mother was diagnosed with a case far past mild.

His father was a soldier,
And when he was killed in combat,
He couldn't wait to get older.

His mother's case was caused by drugs,
And despite Ewan's pleas,
She too found herself sleeping with bugs.

He dropped out of school,
And joined the army,
But that was only one of his broken rules.

Before his eyes,
And many others,
He kept up a constant stream of lies.

His officers and brothers were not dumb, though,
And he was soon discovered,
It was then decided that he would be kept in the army under quid pro quo.

That law, however, was soon jet black,
For when the civil war broke out,
The army took him back.

Ewan now watches these empty streets at night,
Whether rain or snow,
And whether or not there's anything to sight.

O, Watchman, sitting on the roof,
Where'd it all go wrong,
Why do you treat life as a spoof?

Nobody should ever mess up there life,
Whether it be running away from home,
Or ending it with a knife.

Don't end up like Ewan, the watchman,
He rushed through life,
Without caution.

Enjoy life as a story,
Awaiting destiny with pleasure,
And getting there with glory.

Ok, so I did a quick read.

First thing, the usage of pronouns and indirect pronouns makes the later half a mess to figure out and immediately unappealing. Rife with confusion and ambiguity.

Next, you wait until the fifth stanza to introduce any idea of what is going on. This is going to lose 95% of your readers. Also, you should never explain your rhyme scene or inform your readers on a piece of writing; pretentious at worst, a turn off at best.

Now, the rhyme itself works in theory, but it severely hampers the story you narrate effectively, though the pronouns murder it something awful, due to how limited your lines become and the short length of this piece.

I like how this seems chiseled and presented as complete, but your word choice suffers at crucial points due to the inherent makings of this. Don't take this hard though, learn from the decision and try to avoid rhymes.

Hope this helps!

Yeahhhh..... it doesn't quite flow. Sometimes it's awesome, sometimes it needs work. Overall, I like it.

..................I blame my short review on Mustard's review before mine. She's better than I am.

I think overall that the idea of this piece is really good and you describe your characters well, giving insight to what is going on. But like MrMustard said... it just doesn't flow. I realize that that is what you were going for... the whole aba efe and such. But the word choice just doesn't help it flow well. Some parts of the story flowed really well, but then it was hard to read, which voided out it being good at all. There are definite strong points in the piece, but it does need work. And remember, everyone that reviews is only there to help. I know sometimes that its hard to read what people are suggesting when it only feels like people are tearing your work to pieces. But you're not bad =] All writers can always improve on their work. Feel free to read through some of my poetry, experiment with styles. =] Toodles

Hey! Well the flaws I saw in this poem have already been spoken of by the past reviewers. Although not all the the qualities of the poem have been spoken of. First of all, I like the voice in this poem it gives me the imagery of a mother with her children, sitting by the fire and telling a story of the watchman. I also like the poetic diction of the poem. It's a good poem and I agree with crititism of the past reviewers. Listen to it and you would have an even better poem! Keep up you style!