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lele253isme
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Points 1245
Reviews 142
Thu Mar 31, 2011 2:13 am
lele253isme says... · Thu Mar 31, 2011 2:13 am
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Last edited by lele253isme on Thu Sep 15, 2011 2:15 am, edited 2 times in total.
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ShadowKnight155
Gender Male
Points 1931
Reviews 72
Thu Mar 31, 2011 3:00 am
ShadowKnight155 says... · Thu Mar 31, 2011 3:00 am
Simply...terrible! I threw up on my comput--you said you wanted harshness... Just kidding. I totally agree.

lele253isme wrote:Is it possible to be yourself
Dress and live like no one else
Or must all human beings have shiny hair
What about the ones that don't give a careWell I don't like doing this quoting thing...but, maybe put a "just" in there to fix the flow a little, I keep tripping up on it.
What about the ones that are independent
Not controlled by ugly trends
What about the independent
That don't care who will be there"their" I think friend
What about the inner beauty
Not the outer looks and such
What about the will they have
To make the world not care for rules and such
What about the rule makers
Not the rule followers
The future will be led by the people who thinkSeems to broken up here, but that's kind of the point, right?
Of the trends for tommorow
Not for the trends of today
Are you one?


Not much else to say other than "good job." This is very true and I wish more people stood out and didn't just follow trends. It just becomes hard to stand out with the media. I quickly wrote this review, sorry, so please read it carefully, and KEEP THINKIN' sista!
By nature, all language is flawed.

"Peace cannot be kept by force, it can only be achieved by understanding," - Albert Einstein
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ahmedBurooj
Gender Male
Points 1040
Reviews 23
Thu Mar 31, 2011 7:33 am
ahmedBurooj says... · Thu Mar 31, 2011 7:33 am
lele253isme wrote:Is it possible to be yourself
Dress and live like no one else
Or must all human beings have shiny hair
What about the ones that don't give a care
What about the ones that are independent
Not controlled by ugly trends
What about the independent
That don't care who will be there friend
What about the inner beauty
Not the outer looks and such
What about the will they have
To make the world not care for rules and such
What about the rule makers
Not the rule followers
The future will be led by the people who think
Of the trends for tommorow
Not for the trends of today
Are you one?




A poem i wrote a while back, so give me every juicy piece of harshness. I need it, so don't be scared. :wink:

The thing that really gets me thinking, is the fact that , although the first couple of lines, are all questions, the only 'question mark(?)' that i see, is in the last line. Now, i might be wrong, but it certainly is confusing.
Why can't we have drops of sunshine, and rays of rain?
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xXTheBlackSheepXx
Gender Female
Points 32546
Reviews 739
Mon Apr 11, 2011 3:04 am
xXTheBlackSheepXx says... · Mon Apr 11, 2011 3:04 am
Hey Lele! I've been rather horrible with keeping up with my reviews, so sorry :(
About this poem, I think you might be able to separate it into stanzas

Is it possible to be yourself?
Dress and live like no one else?
Or must all human beings have shiny hair
What about the ones that don't give a care?

What about the ones that are independent?
Not controlled by ugly trends
What about the independent? no question mark, since it continues onto the next line
That don't care who will be there friend

What about the inner beauty?
Not the outer looks and such
What about the will they have?
To make the world not care for rules

What about the rule makers?
Not the rule followers
The future will be led by the people who think
Of the trends for tommorow tomorrow
Not for the trends of today

Are you one?


I definitely understand what you're saying by this. Your poems are always very clear, but could use a little better organization.

Is it possible to be yourself?


This is the question, right? The subject of the poem. You go on about independence and inner beauty and independent thinkers, which is all part of the question asking 'what makes you yourself'. Now by the end of the poem, you're supposed to have answered the question, in a way.

Are you one?


You end it with another question, which kind of defeats the purpose of asking the one at the beginning. What are you trying to make a point of? Whether or not it is possible to be unique and live your own life with your own will, or if you ARE an independent thinker, a free person? I get what you're saying, but it's two points in one.

Besides that, it's all very good :) Keep it up!
~blacksheep
The bad news is we don't have any control.
The good news is we can't make any mistakes.
-Chuck Palahniuk
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HappyDays
Gender None specified
Points 1040
Reviews 6
Mon Apr 11, 2011 4:54 am
HappyDays says... · Mon Apr 11, 2011 4:54 am
Overall I really liked it, just a couple suggestions (der).

What about the ones that don't give a care?

Instead of "don't give a care" you might want to change it. I would suggest using 'really', since 'give a' is two syllables, 'really' is yeah... you get it. Anyways, using really just sort of flows better.

That don't care who will be there friend

Just a little grammar, it's *their* not there.

Loved the theme! A bit of a cliche but important nonetheless. All the questions really stressed the theme and made the reader think.

Great job! Keep it up!

~Hugs,
HappyDays :D
"Being happy doesn't mean everything is perfect.
It just means that you're looking beyond the
imperfections." ~Unknown Author
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