Halloween Night

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As I sit there, the blackness closes in on me. I am unconscious and unaware of what is happening. As I hear a car door open, I realize what has happened. I smell blood in the air, as I open my eyes. As I take my last breath, the world stops! This is how I died. I have never given much thought about how I would die. But on that fateful Halloween night everything changed. This all happened when I was 15. It was Halloween night and I was with all my friends at a party.
There was drinking involved, and I was too young to drink. But I figured that if I had just a couple, it would be fine. But a couple turned into a lot and before I knew it, my head was spinning. I felt someone tugging on my shirt and realized it was my friend Hazel. She kept telling me it was time to go, but I wouldn’t listen. Then, after an hour of arguing with her, I finally left the party. We were driving along when all the sudden we came across this house. We heard our names being whispered in the wind, beckoning us to come in.
This house looked like it was over 100 years old. As dumb as I was, I told Hazel that we should go into the house. Hazel didn’t agree at first but after I convinced her. As we get out of the car we saw windows opening and shutting and lights flickering on and off. The door was hanging by a hinge. As we walked into the house, it’s pitch black. I searched around for a candle and light it. As we look around, everything is covered in dust. Hazel and I walked toward a bunch of photos to get a closer look, when we heard a noise coming from the basement.
We went down to the basement to see what the noise was. As we looked around, we saw blood all over the furniture and walls. We froze right then and there. We got back up to the main floor and looked at eachother, wondering what had happened down in this basement. Next, we decided that we would go upstairs to see what’s up there. As we entered the first room, I looked beside me and Hazel wasn’t there anymore. I started screaming her name but she didn’t respond. I searched the house, running in every room until I came to this one room. It was pitch black as I walked in. The door shut and locked by itself. I tried to open it, and then realized it wouldn’t open. As I walked farther and farther in the room, I start to see some light. As I walk toward it, I start to see somebody. Somebody was lying on the floor and to get a better look, I crouched in to find out it was Hazel. She was unconscious and just lying there.
As I broke down the door, I ran down to the main floor and out the door of the house. I got into our car and turned the key. As I drove onto the road, still confused and scared, my mind started wandering. I wasn’t really paying attention to anything at the moment. All of a sudden, I saw a flash of light and then the world stopped! I heard someone screaming and calling 911. The police finally got to me and I was dead. I heard a voice and thought it might have been another spirit.
Then, I realized who it was. It was Hazel! I would recognize that voice anywhere. She was alive. She had been playing a prank on me this whole time. Over the next following days my family had my funeral. I hope you all learn a lesson from this, to never be as dumb as I was. I’m not exactly sure what happened that fateful Halloween night, but I hope it never happens to any of you!
Last edited by rememberdecember on Tue Apr 26, 2011 3:03 pm, edited 3 times in total.




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I saw a couple of grammar errors. Here goes my review! Hope this helps!

no idea what there going to say


Don't forget the different words that sound alike! This needs "no idea what they're going to say"

As usual dads going to be quiet and


"As usual dad's going to be quiet" or "As usual dad is going to be quiet" needs apostrophe. If I'm wrong on this, someone correct me as well but I'm pretty sure.

Over all I like the story and I'm looking forward to seeing more. I liked this writing.

This actually gave me an idea for a short story. SOmewhat. I used to have a reoccuring dream but I will save it for the story for you to review later on ;)

Happy writing!
90% of writing is re-writing!




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Really fascinating. Makes me want to know more. I don't or rather can't write fantasy stories myself, but I love reading them.
A few suggestion now. In the second paragraph you started writing in present tense abruptly. You had been writing in past tense till the second line, then switched to present tense, then reverted back to past tense in the next paragraph and ended the story with present tense. So you may want to make that more uniform.
In
"I’m just freaking out because I have no idea what there going to say. As usual dads going to be quiet and let mom do all the talking."
it should be "what THEY'RE going to say". 'There' implies a place or position whereas 'they're' is a contraction meaning 'they are'.
and 'dads' should have an apostrophe.

In
“When a Mist turns 13, they become next in line for the goddess of fire.”
I think "they become next in line to become the goddess of fire" is more appropriate, but maybe that's just me. Feel free to ignore this one.

Continue writing this story, I'm sure it'll turn out to be a great one.
You say you like it, but do you like it enough to 'like' it?




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Let me describe my approximate thought process as I read this. "Ooh, a new poster in the Fantasy forums. Let's see what they've got. *clicks on story* Nice opening sentence. A little bit cliche but it makes me want to read more. ...wait, where's the actual description of the dreams?..." and then it went downhill from there.

On the technical side of things, there aren't that many problems, just punctuation goofs in a few places. “No but I have some bad news to tell you” needs a period after "you", “Well, (sapphire’s mom hesitates) they didn’t actually disappear” needs a period after "disappear", and (sapphire's mom hesitates) should be "my mom hesitated", because you are writing from first person in past tense, not third person in present tense. Now come the conceptual problems.

#1: What is this? Is this a story? I was under the impression that this was a story, but it is not. A story has a beginning, a middle, and an end. This has a beginning and not much else. What am I supposed to do with this? I read it, but... well, what else happens? She's a fire spirit, great, now is that it? I guess she says "okay" and finds the amulet and lives her life as a normal person. ...Great? There's not much else for me to go on.

#2: Why does she not want to be a goddess of fire? Power is awesome, power is addictive. Some idiot cut me off on the highway today, I want to be able to snap my fingers and set that stupid guy and his stupid Honda on fire. And I'm an adult who more or less has a good grasp on his feelings. A thirteen-year-old girl is going to have a LOT more frustrations than myself. "Hottie Tommy dares to say 'no' to a lunch date? Let's see if he changes his mind after I make him really hot! Ugly Minnie thinks I'm a fat cow? She doesn't know about my fiery temper, does she?" In other words, unrealistic. (P. S. I spent like five minutes coming up with those fire puns)

#3: Try to mix up your dialogue with description a bit. You've got a paragraph of text, then a bunch of lines of dialogue, then text again... Mix them up a little. Involve your dialogue in your story.

#4: Minor point, but when I think "sapphire", I think "blue", and therefore "water". Seems like the total opposite to fire.

Keep on reading, and practicing writing. Reading truly great stories will develop your own style as a result. Best of luck!

Your fire-god,
cC
_



we went from advice to meth real quick
— ShadowVyper