The world's burden

Spoiler

I understand not the entire peice is really poetry but I thought it fit better here than in any of the 'short stories' sections. Also when I use capitals after the comma's it is writers licence not just me making a silly mistake! Please enjoy and I know it's not an incredible peice but still please try not to make your comments to harse I don't mind some good constructive critiscism just nothing to mean, thanks.

God crafted the earth,
Angels swore to protect it,
And humans destroyed it.

Every pebble, every rock, every cliff,
Chipped at and changed,
Until the beauty is gone.

Contaminating the surface,
Everything pure vanished,
Our world transformed.

The most intelligent of species,
Turning into vile wicked beasts,
Overcome with greed and desire.

Twisted and warped to our needs,
Until the most beautiful place on earth,
Is a zone where are biggest trouble is the phone bill.

One day we will have to face up,
But unfortunately that would hurt some people's pride,
I guess that's the end of it then.

In your dreams human's,
God calls out as he watches the paradise,
Being killed...

Hi,

First of all, let me say...... You are wrong. this piece IS amazing. At least to me. I LOVE the truth of it. The first stanza caught my attention immediatly. And this one

"Twisted and warped to our needs,
Until the most beautiful place on earth,
Is a zone where are biggest trouble is the phone bill."

I almost said, "Amen" aloud to this. I think it's fantastic. I love poetry that rhymes, but many people on here say it dosen't have to.. so I cannot find a thing wrong with this piece. It's quite grand

God Bless,
Amber.

The main issue about this poem is that it is too literal. There's nothing here that's appealing; just the same-old, overly-generalized, "humans are destroying the world and it's bad" message that got old years ago. As such, presenting it so simply is just not palatable to your audience, unless they're the type that have either never heard the message before or like being told that, as humans, they suck because they're destroying the planet.

What would help this poem is if you weren't so literal and obvious about the message. Instead, reconstruct this poem so that the message is less in-your-face to your readers, and that they have something else to latch onto and potentially like. Imagery is one very good way of keeping your readers interested, and if you make your imagery interesting enough, even though your readers may dislike or disagree with the message of your poem, they will still be able to appreciate your poem for its imagery. So, instead of just telling us that something happens, try showing it to us instead, and with creative phrasings.

Literalness aside, something that didn't help your poem was the grammatical incorrectness, and I'm not talking about the commas at the end of every line and capitalization (though they don't add anything to the poem, and in fact detract from it, in my opinion). I am talking about wrong homophones and misplaced apostrophes, and how the punctuation muddles the meaning rather than making it clearer. Before you can go and break the rules of grammar, you have to know them inside-out in addition to knowing why they exist. If you don't, you wind up with something that isn't very good at conveying what you intended it to convey.

I suggest, in addition to incorporating more imagery and making your message less blatant, that you also try writing your poem out so that it's grammatically correct first. Later on, you can always go back and edit out all the properness from it when you play with the formatting. I think you'll find that it gives your poetry a more solid base to work off of, which will help you craft a more solid poem overall.