I Won't Let Go (3)

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I changed the title from My New Home to I Won't Let Go; I think it fits better concerning the rest of the plot.

Week 5-8

I have grown tons since we last talked. Mr. Placenta has been a little more friendly; I think he’s warming up to me. He keeps chatting away about someone named Martin. I never met Martin, but he sounds like a really cool guy. He stayed in Uterus for a whole nine months, but when he moved out Placenta said he was silent and still. Maybe he was just sad to be moving, and didn’t get to say his goodbyes, but this has got me to thinking how fast time moves. Pretty soon I will actually look like a baby; I’m so excited.

“Hey, Mr. Placenta, what are these lines growing on me? They look like tattoos. Does my future landlord approve of tattoos?” I wiggle around in my new home picking a comfy position; every time Mr. Placenta talks he drones on forever, but he is a well of information that I need to take with me.

“Silly kid, those are your arteries and veins that lead to your heart. Soon they will sprout around your whole body along with your nerves. Now leave me be; I have lots of work to do supporting your ugly butt,” Mr. Placenta smirks and leaves before I can shout hey.

Well, he didn’t last too long at the story telling this time; good thing I borrowed some of his novels on a growing fetus. Those things he was talking about have to be in one of them, I’m sure. Aha, here it is, my heart and cir- circu- circula- la- la-

“It’s pronounced circulatory system. Where did you get those? I don’t remember saying you could look at them.” His voice boomed over the air so loud I’m sure the whole apartment shook.

“Um… Um… I just thought I could um… borrow them… p-p-please?”

“Sure, but be quiet, and no reading out loud.”

Tick, tick, tick, whew he’s gone. He scares me sometimes. I think it’s called in- in- intimidation. See I can pronounce long words. It just takes me a little longer than the average person; my brain did just form, so can’t ya give me a break? All kinds of new things are happening.

This slick fur is now covering my body. I preferred my body shiny and new, so I hope this hairiness will leave me by the time I meet my new landlord in nine months. I mean Mr. Placenta said it was just my hair that will stay on my head by the time I move out, but even that feels heavy and oily. I’m not sure if it makes me cute or not. Do you think my new landlords would kick me out if they think I’m ugly? I know it’s nine months away until I meet them, but I’m so nervous.

My skin has also grown over the rest of me. It’s hard to stretch in the mornings now, and I feel heavy; sometimes it’s hard to even hold my head up right. Mr. Placenta says I’ll get use to it, and that I’ll have it for the rest of my life because it protects my internal organs. As of right now the only internal organs that I can remember having are my intestines, bladder, liver, and pancreas.

A real live bladder, wow, I can’t believe I have one. I mean I had heard of it, but up until now I didn’t know how important they were. In this here book, it says that I need my bladder to live because if I can’t get rid of the waste that’s in my body I will die. Die?! I don’t want to die, but what if my bladder doesn’t work properly? Gasping, I dropped the book. The walls feel like they’re closing in around me. I’m too young to die!

“Hey, Ms. Reyna I told you to be quite. You aren’t dying any time soon.” Mr. Placenta mumbled, “ Even though, I wish I could kick you out this very instant.”

“Uh? Do you know if my bladder works correctly?”

“Yes, it does. The rest of you will work as well. Don’t doubt your maker. If you can’t handle taking in my knowledge I will have to take those books away from you. I think that’s what happened to Martin, and I can’t afford it to happen to you too.”

“Wait, what happened to Martin?”

“He became afraid.” Mr. Placenta returned home with a wilt of his head.

What is so special about Martin that my landlord has to bring him up every minute? Maybe I am not as stupid as Martin, or maybe Martin was just misunderstood. Pondering these ideas I hear a slow tick, thump, tick, thump, tick, thump. I jump , stirring Mr. Placenta.

“What is that noise?” I whisper to Mr. Placenta afraid for my life.

“Did your brain not completely form? That’s your heartbeat. Your heart is that organ that gives you life. If that scared you then I know what comes next will. You will have limbs sprouting from the top and bottom of you. These are called arms and legs; they will help you get around in your new apartment after these nine months.”

“You mean I won’t be swimming any more?”

“More like crawling and walking.”

“What’s walking?”

Mr. Placenta chuckled at me as me walked away. Swishing my legs around, trying to match the beat of my new heart, I try to imagine what walking is like. Do your legs ache? Is it painful? Will there be any water at all in my new apartment?

Interrupting my thoughts my abdomen starts convulsing with a tug from my umbilical cord. You know I thought this umbilical cord was going to hurt, but no Mr. Placenta thinks he is so smart saying that it I won’t even notice it.

“Hey, what’s going on? I thought you said this tube wouldn’t try to hurt me? Is this what happened to Martin!?”

Offended, Mr. Placenta is slow about replying to me, “Now that you have blood vessels in your umbilical cord you will get nutrients and oxygen from your new landlord coming through me, through your umbilical cord, and into you.”

“You mean this will happen more than once?” Trembling, I try to still myself when the convulsing stops.

“Of course, that is how you will live.”

After all the excitement today I just want to sleep. I have eyelids now. I think, from what I read, that you use them to open and close your eyes, the silly things people do once they leave Uterus. I am the size of a kidney bean now, and the strong beat of my heart rocks me slowly to sleep.
There is nothing to writing; all you do is sit down at a typewriter and open a vein~ Red Smith

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Hey Rascalover,
Thanks for the request. Can I just say this is a great idea. I don't know why, but it makes the pregnancy of the woman more real when you add the fetus' point of view. I don't know. The last line really hit home for me in its simplicity.

He stayed in Uterus for a whole nine months, but when he moved out Placenta said he was silent and still.
Aww...

“Hey, Mr. Placenta, what are these lines growing on me? They look like tattoos. Does my future landlord approve of tattoos?”
You've done a pretty good job with the fetus' voice, but I would be careful about how much it knows about the world when it seems to know nothing of anatomy.

I wiggle around in my new home picking a comfy position;
Comma before picking

Mr. Placenta smirks and leaves before I can shout hey.
The underlined part of this sentence isn't great. It seems like you could say something that sounded better while getting the same idea across. Like "before I could shout in indignation" or something along those lines. Maybe this was on purpose, but it doesn't even really sound good in the voice of the fetus.

Tick, tick, tick, whew he’s gone.
What's ticking?

“Hey, Ms. Reyna I told you to be quite.
Quiet

“He became afraid.” Mr. Placenta returned home with a wilt of his head.
I understand what "wilt of his head" means, but I've never heard it used before, and, in this case, I don't think it's the best way to let us see what Mr. Placenta is doing.

Mr. Placenta chuckled at me as me walked away.
What? Is me supposed to be I? How is it walking when its arms and legs haven't formed, unless they have. If so, you might want to say something about it.


That's what I could find. You did a great job. Tell me when chapter four is out, and I'll review it.
Megsug
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its good
Kelifa
A.K.A
Inked




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Hello there, I'm here as requested!

So I'll begin with corrections and then go on with my overall impression.
He stayed in Uterus for a whole nine months, but when he moved out comma, Placenta said he was silent and still.

I wiggle around in my new home picking a comfy position Period. Every time Mr. Placenta talks comma, he drones on forever, but he has a well of information that I need to take with me.

Now leave me be; I have lots of work to do supporting your ugly butt,” Mr. Placenta smirks and leaves before I can shout anything.

I think it flows better that way.
In this here book, it says that I need my bladder to live because if I can’t get rid of the waste that’s in my body I will die.

Pondering these ideas comma, I hear a slow tick, thump, tick, thump, tick, thump.

I whisper to Mr. Placenta comma, afraid for my life.

Interrupting my thoughts comma, my abdomen starts convulsing with a tug from my umbilical cord

Offended, Mr. Placenta takes his time to answer me,

I think it flows better that way. :)

Plot wise, I really like the originality of this. I probably already said so in the previous chapters, but I'm repeating it now. ;) The fact that you write from the baby's point of view is super cool. I don't think I have any constructive comments for you...

Looking forward to the next chapter!

-Other One
Behind every mask, lies a man that can't live in his own skin. - Woe is Me <3
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This is a really great idea. It's nothing I've heard before and it grabbed my attention immediately.
While the topic was extremely incredible, I also felt this chapter lacked a little bit of depth. When I finished reading, I was left wanting more than you wrote. The fetus' point of view was interesting, but I felt like the whole thing was missing a punch of sorts. Maybe try to add a more obvious conflict or moral dilemma that not only adds to originality of the story, but accentuates what you've already written.
Overall though, you have a really creative idea, and this is something I'd love to read more of.




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Hey! I love this, mainly because of its uniqueness. I like how you describe the things that are happening to it, and especially about Martin.

But like all things, it's not perfect. The fetus' voice is usually pretty natural and such, but it can sometimes get so... fake. Like you're trying to hard to make it unique, different. Too relax, or whatever you want to call it. Like an adult trying to relate to a child and failing.

Now, Placenta has the opposite affect. Like you're trying hard to make a grumpy man and failing. See, you need to get into your characters. Imagine you have a conversation with them, a casual thing. How would they talk? And why would they talk any different now? Don't force roles on your characters, either. Placenta doesn't always have to be grouchy. And no, he's not, but most of the time he is. And we don't know why.

I don't know if this all makes sense. If it doesn't, just say so.

But other than that, there's not much wrong with this. It's captivating, very unique, and don't well.

So good job with that.

Sorry this isn't a better review.

loveness, ultraviolet <3
"Blah blah blah. You feel trapped in your life. Here is what I am hearing: happiness isn't worth any inconvenience."

~asofterworld.com



Nothing of me is original. I am the combined effort of everybody I've ever known.
— Chuck Palahniuk