The Truth.

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The truth: Like a cold steel cylinder, hammer, powder, and lead. Pressed and pointed at the back of my head.

“You can have any boy you want, so why would you want me.”

My words slithered from my mouth, and wrapped around her tongue. Squeezing it like an Anaconda, she chokes speechless.

My motionless glare, her mouth is partially open, and she’s playing with her hair. She can’t think of a word to tell me.

The truth does that to people.

It puts on a pair of brass knuckles, and clobbers you across the face.

There is that pinnacle point between the time frame of Truth’s brass knuckle shattering your metaphorical jaw, and the point where you lay on the floor having a flash back of realization of everything you ever saw.

After you lay there defeated, you knees are weak, strength and hopes depleted.

It showers down on you, enlightenment. You realize that you needed this wakeup call. You’re grateful Truth had you on speed dial.

You pick yourself up off the ground. You’re broken down. The mountain you must struggle up again is waiting.

Listen you get another chance, you’re not dead. Perhaps this time you’ll think with a clearer head.
We all die. The goal isn't to live forever, it's to create something that will.
[Chuck Palahniuk]




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Okay. I have never really read a poem like this before... I like the uniqueness of it all, but it is a bit confusing at times, and is a bit too fast-paced.

She’s playing with her hair, her mouth hanging partially open at my motionless glare; she can’t think of a word to tell me.
This sounds so much better and it flows more, but if you want to modify it a different way, go right ahead. U=It is just that this line is not that well stated.

“You can have any boy you want, so why would you want me?
Question

My words slithered from my mouth, wrapped around her tongue, and squeezed it like an Anaconda; she chokes speechless.
Sounds better and flows better (good imagery, by the way)

At this time we are no longer talking about a boy and a girl, and that confused me. It might be best to stay with a central point to guarantee maximum clarity.


There is that pinnacle point between the time frame of Truth’s brass knuckle shattering your metaphorical jaw, and the point where you lay on the floor having a flash back of realization of everything you ever saw.
Way too long, in my opinion, to be in a poem. The reader gets lost in all the long words inside this long sentence. Short and sweet is better.

As you lay there defeated, you knees are weak, strength and hopes depleted.
present tense

You pick yourself up off the ground. You’re broken down. The mountain you must struggle up again is waiting.
Kind or redundant of the last line.

Listen. you get another chance, you’re not dead. Perhaps this time you’ll think with a clearer head.
sounds better

Well, those are my nitpicks.
Keep on writing, this poem was interesting.

Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ shiney1 Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ

.
"If you ever have a problem don't say 'Hey God I have a big problem.' Rather 'Hey Problem... I have a big God and it's all going to be okay."




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Thanks a lot! I really liked all your thoughts, and how you reformed my sentences to flow better.
I wrote this really fast, and I didn't go back to look about what I could change yet. So I'm really grateful to have your input.
Thanks a million for the review, and your time.

- Atticus
We all die. The goal isn't to live forever, it's to create something that will.
[Chuck Palahniuk]




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Points 8363
Reviews 182
You are very welcome!

God bless.
"If you ever have a problem don't say 'Hey God I have a big problem.' Rather 'Hey Problem... I have a big God and it's all going to be okay."



People find it far easier to forgive others for being wrong than being right.
— Albus Dumbledore