A Broken Dream

First, I would like to say that this title is also the title for the first chapter of my first novel. It is almost finished, the first draft, and will be posted within a month. I hope this gives some insight to what I am trying to convey in my novel.


Woken by the light breeze upon my face I stand.
The world around me looks nothing like
reality.
It is beautiful and serene.
The peak on which I stand reveals
the true essence of this place.

The waves roll in gently on the beach.
The air smells of salt from the sea.

A past I once fought to hide I no longer remember here.
I am lost,
not in darkness but in light,
in a paradise all my own.

I wonder for a soul such as mine,
How have I attained such a place?
Why has my mind created such a euphoric
land?

I was broken by sorrows,
by the tyranny thrust upon me
in a life now past.

I say I do not remember that past,
but in truth it was that which
created this realm.

Something horrid,
and disgusting produced
a face which had no blemish,
a mind with no flaws.

The wide expanse that was mine
stretched to infinite,
and with its length the
possibilities reach its width.

My mind still dwelled on
the darkness.
I stood in sun,
in warmth,
but I could not
grasp what tried to hold me
so close.

My feet could not move from the peak,
my body froze with my mind.
Paradise or hell?

A place to feel warmth,
or a punishment for my
life in the real world?

This place lured me to its flawless
hands.

Perhaps only to crush me.
Before i could venture to the mouth of the
river that fed the ocean my mind
thrust itself back to oblivion.

Taken from me was the chance to feel paradise truly,
and in full.

I will never know what horrors lay there for me,
or the happiness that could have befallen me.
Only the if is left,
broken by time,
and a corrupt state of being.


Keep in mind this is to foreshadow all of chapter 1 of my novel. I just want to see if someone gets the concept I am trying to push forward. Before anyone comments on imagery though I would like to remind everyone who reads this, that my book is more of an internal battle, and much is centered around the mental manifestation of paradise rather than the physical. Though there are some details here, this is mainly focused on setting the contrast between what he does in reality and what he does in paradise. That poem will be posted next.

Also only CONSTRUCTIVE criticism please. I do not want to hear how much someone hates it without elaborations on why, or how to improve it. Thank you.

Hey, Fade here!

First, I would like to say I love this poem. It is deep, it flows nicely, and it doesn't repeat at all.

One thing I would say, though, is you use too much punctuation. at the end of almost every other line there is a period. It is unnecessary. The fact that you are moving to a new line tells us we should briefly pause, as with a period.

Besides that, though, I love it.

Keep Writing,


Fade

I liked this poem. The flow was very nice, as was the imagery.

I can't wait to read you're novel once you publish it!

Good luck with it,
RedRaven

Hi again Dante

To commence, I'd like to say that I really enjoyed this poem. It was well written, descriptive, and conveyed imagery and provoked thoughts quite well. Just a few things though:

Forgive me if I'm being impolite, but it really didn't seem like this poem had any sort of rhythm or flow at all. And yes, this is supposed to be foreshadowing I know, but still you should follow the normal rules of poetry. When I read this aloud to myself it doesn't feel like a poem whatsoever, in fact if someone read it to me I'd think they were reading a prologue or first chapter of something. Really, the only thing that makes this a poem is the form in which you've written it.

A past I once fought to hide I no longer remember here. I thought this line was way too long, it seems almost out of place, especially because the next line is only three syllables. Try breaking this up a bit, maybe "A past I once fought to hide/ I no longer remember here, ?
I am lost,
not in darkness but in light,
in a paradise all my own.

Aside from that, I admired the way you broke your stanzas up. It's as if each stanza is a different thought, and not all of them are the same length, which I like. It's kind of darting back in forth, only in a good way. This poem was honestly fantastically written. It just needs a bit touching up.

That is all.

~BTM