The Alarm

I lie there each morning,
innocently sleeping,
when my silence is ruptured,
by a horrible beeping.

My peace is gone;
now it's loud and spastic,
all because of this evil, demonic,
red-eyed piece of plastic.

I roll over in pain and pound on the snooze,
groaning, moaning, thinking "What's there to lose?
Don't make me get up; just 9 minutes more!"
The same thing I've said every morning before.

Its not that I hate the morning or dread the new day,
it's just that I loath waking up in this way.
I'd much rather simply, rise with the light,
shining through the windows, chasing the night.

I suppose the worst is to know how all of my sorrow,
will be repeated,
same time, same place, tomorrow.

Dear LoudandProud,

I love your poem! It's great!

-VioletStarfirix

Hi there!

Sooo you get my first critique that I've done in... forever! But first of all, as it looks like you've only been here about a month, welcome to YWS! We're glad to have you and hope you're finding it awesome.

I like the poem. It's a very lighthearted approach, even if it's about knowing you have to leave the comfort of your bed every morning. So it's something most of us can relate to. I like the sort of bouncy rhythm and rhyme you have going on here.

As for grammar, there are a few places you've got some errors. I guess, it's mostly missing punctuation that made me have to go back and read those particular parts again to figure out what was going wrong. So, I'll do this: my comments are in red.

I lie there each morning,
innocently sleeping,
when my silence is ruptured,
by a horrible beeping.

My silence is gone;
now it's loud and spastic,
all because of this evil, demonic, red-eyed piece of plastic. I would put a line break after "demonic" so it keeps with the scheme. You may have meant to do that, but it just shows up as one line. Anyway, I like what you called the alarm clock, how you didn't say alarm clock, but we all know what it is. Good start.

I roll over in pain and pound on the snooze,
groaning, moaning, thinking "what's there to lose?
Don't make me get up just 9 minutes more!" I'd put a semicolon between 'up' and 'just.' That's one of the parts that I had to re-read to figure out.
The same thing I've said every morning before.

Its not that I hate the morning or dread the new day,
it's just that I loath waking up in this wayPeriod here?
I'd much rather, simply, rise with the light,
shining through the windowscomma here? chasing away the night.

I suppose the the worst is to know how all of my sorrow will be repeated, This line, you may want to break up so it's not excessively longer than the others.
same time, same place, tomorrow.

Another thing I noticed was that the rhyme scheme changed. The first two stanzas: ABAB. The second two: AABB. I didn't know if you meant to do this, but in a way, you've done it so that it works. The first read-through I didn't notice.

Anyway, yeah. I think you've pretty much captured the whole being mad at your alarm clock thing fairly well. It was, as I've said, a cute, lively, and enjoyable read. So, you may want to clean up some of the grammar, but I think you've done pretty well.

And... well, that's it!

--Vana

I love how you've captured an innocent hate we all share in this clever peom:)
Very well done and I loved reading it. Keep writing!
-Layla Flame

Hi!
I like the lightness of this. It's fun and sounds good. I like the use of the word peace. But I think the last two lines need some tweaking. The thought going to finish it is good, but it messes the flow in my head. And I'm not a fan of varying rhyme scheme. Try to be more consistent.

I like this one a lot! It's amusing, light and you have good imagery.

LoudandProud wrote:I lie there each morning,
innocently sleeping,
when my silence is ruptured,
by a horrible beeping.

My silence is gone, You just used "silence" in the previous stanza. Maybe change one to "peace" or something?
now it's loud and spastic,
all because of this evil, demonic, red eyed peace of plastic. I think you should start a new line with "red". "Red eyed" should have a little line, like this, "Red-eyed."

I roll over in pain and pound on the snooze,
groaning, moaning, thinking "What's there to lose?
Don't make me get up; just 9 minutes more!"
The same thing I've said every morning before.

It's not that I hate the morning or dread the new day,
it's just that I loath waking up in this way Seems like you should ad "awful" or "painful" or something before "way" to fit with the length of the previous line.
I'd much rather, simply, rise with the light, There doesn't need to be a comma after "rather". Take it out.
shining through the windows chasing away the night. I think it would read better if you took out the "away".

I suppose the the worst is know how all of my sorrow will be repeated, You have two "the"s. It would read better, "I suppose the worst thing is knowing all of my sorrow will be repeated,"
same time, same place, tomorrow. Hmm, maybe switch around "time" and place" so it reads, "same place, same time, tomorrow." Just seems to read easier/make more sense.

As I read through this, one thing I really liked is that all of your lines fit completely without saying the same thing twice. I don't have a favorite line (unusual for me) because they were all equally as amazing! That's what really topped this off from "liking" this poem, to "loving" this poem. I hate it when you're reading and it goes, up then down, then up, in the way it works together, and the whole overall feel. Maybe this won't make sense to you...now that I think about it, but either way, cool poem!

I loved your poem. I could completely relate to it. I think all of us, everywhere feel a burning hot hate for the alarm clock in the morning.