The Prince

Please review. I need to know if this poem is good enough for a high-school contest.

Legendary

(the title is not definite yet)



The wind puffs diamond dust,
That bleeds into a tangle,
Branches through fields of rust,
Dissipates in dazzle.

In infinite infinity and guess.
His almond eyes betray no feeling.
Intense and always endless,
They outshine the universe’s ceiling.

The wind blows fears and hesitation,
Along copper hills and vales.
There’s no space or time for expectations.
No useless games, no lifeless tales.

Atop his horse, he rides enraged,
Towards a victory so long reprieved.
Today he slays the men
Whom he used to lead.

Dim memories of strayed times
Turn his content smile into a wince.
Though now he fights these warriors,
Once upon a time he was their prince.

He fought just for their freedom,
But liberty they didn’t deem.
He battled for the kingdom
That fought against his dream.

With only will and destiny in hand,
A spark of courage and a vision.
Disbelievers he learnt withstand.
Before his eyes, his empire has risen.

The sky’s a blend of violent tints,
All nothing but a haze.
The drowning sun leaves prints
That make the dusk into a maze.

From the shadows of a decade
He rides into the war
In a swift split second,
Fade all roars into a purr.

The battlefield’s an abyss loaded
With the deaths of champions.
Souls of those who molded
Even the force of lions.


And like them, he vows
To brawl to the last breath
And though vaguely, he knows
That the last resort is death.

Albeit even fables in time expire,
For reveries there is no listless end.
As long as fairytales don’t go down in fire,
He’ll live and pass away a legend.

I don't understand what you mean to put as the message of this poem. I think it's interesting how you seem to blend in reality with fiction. Why are you doing this? Expand more. Also, I think you go on a lot when you could probably say what you want to say in a fairly shorter amount. I think you should think through your message and rewrite the whole poem again thinking about the imagery.

I love your descriptions and your idea - just work with it more. I also think you should have a look at your rhythms because they are not all regular and perhaps you should see to that. This poem sounds to me like you just wrote it in one sitting, which is what I used to do , but it didn't really work too well for me. Try drafting and redrafting - don't say what you want to say in more words than you need to.

I think if you worked on the rhythm a little bit more and made it a little bit shorter it could go for a high school competition and do extremely well - it's still good enough to enter even as it is though. But it could be MUCH better than a high school competition if you work on it more . KEEP WRITING!!!

And message me with your new draft I really want to see what you'll do with this poem because it's a diamond in the rough at the moment but when it's polished it will rock!. I promise XD

Adam kinda covered what I was gonna say. I don't get the poem, yet it's interesting and neat in a storybook kind of way. I lost interest through-out as it felt too long, and it just seems to drag on - to me. I am thinking maybe the tale you're trying to tell is of a prince who was brave and steadfast, but was betrayed, and had to fight his own people. Am I right? Overall it was a cool poem, and yes, I think it's worthy to be submitted in a HS contest.

I really love the way you tell the tale of the prince, and the way you made the stanzas and the wording in the poem. I think it does have potential in a contest, I would vote for it if I was a judge. Good job, is all I have to say because I am not good with harsh reviews.