Never Forget Me

Nothing really to comment here, except to please enjoy and like

Spoiler

Never forget me,
Never let go.
I’m always behind you,
Just so you know.
Hold on to our love,
As long as you can.
While you are the woman,
And I am the man.
I’ll just live,
Please do the same.
Secretly in my mind,
I’ll remember your name.
The world didn’t approve,
Neither did I.
But I know for sure,
It wasn’t a lie.
I know you’ll move on,
I won’t be mad.
Just always remember,
All that we had.

Hi! I'm OverEasy and I will be reviewing you today.

Never forget me,
Never let go.
I’m always behind you,
Just so you know.

The first thing that is glaringly obvious about this poem is the rhyme. While rhyme can be used in an effective way, it tends to be a pretty difficult literary device to use. Right now, it's adding a lot to your flow (which is quite good, by the way) but it feels like it is hindering the content here. For a love poem of sorts, it feels void of emotions. Right now, it's just words on paper, but they don't make me feel anything yet.

Hold on to our love,
As long as you can.
While you are the woman,
And I am the man.

Again here you have a great flow, but the content feels weak. I feel like I have already read this poem before, which is an unfortunate thing. Try creating some real images here! For one thing "while you are the woman, and I am the man" feels a bit... strange. It's like, okay, so you're a woman and I'm a man... and? There isn't anything there, it feels like it's been thrust into the poem for the sake of rhyme and flow, but it doesn't mean anything, really.

I’ll just live,
Please do the same.
Secretly in my mind,
I’ll remember your name.

Something that strikes me here is how bland this section feels. Your flow is fumbling, for a second, but more than that, the emotions feel halted and stalled. Search inside of yourself, what does it feel like to remember this persons name? What does it make you think about? What images are brought to your mind when you think of this person? Create a scene here that I can feel as much a see and smell and taste. You've got a love poem here, a rather typical one at that. There isn't a whole lot that is new about it, but you can change that with the use of images. Something that will draw the reader into your world and make them feel exactly what you're feeling right now.

I started to write a bit about the last two stanzas here, but again I have mostly the same advice as above. It's pretty clear that the narrator of this poem had some pretty intense emotions for this person, and now that person is moving on. It's a worn concept, but it can be done in really great ways. I've seen it. This, unfortunately falls flat from that. If I were you, I would ditch the rhyme completely, because it's hindering the content. I would dig deep inside, and really get to the gritty parts of your story here, and make that come to life. Make me feel it with your words.

Some new ideas here, a little revamping and editing are in order, but I see potential. You just have to get over your fear and give us the emotions and images that will help us as readers feel the words you're writing.

Hope this helps,

OverEasy

I. Love. This. Poem. Honestly, I can't see anything wrong with it. Why it doesn't have more views/reviews, I do not know. I adore this and I'm definitely putting it on my reading list so that I can go back and look at it again. I'm sorry that this review isn't very helpful, but I have no complaints on this. I love your rhythm and word choice. Superb job! Keep posting! :)

Rachael