Just a Dream

Yea, I'm half asleep and bored. Sorry this sucks so much, I've been having random thoughts and if I don't write them down, or type them up, I'll never remember them. Please, correct as much as you can!

In the night I can hear him speak to me.
His words calm me some,
Yet they frighten me.
He is kind, yet his words seem harsh,
Though spoken soft.
This man, name unknown to me, is not alive,
Nor is he dead.
He is a figment of my deep imagination,
I do believe.
But he tells me he is here for my soul,
So I think I must be dreaming.
It all seems so real though,
The ice in my veins,
The chill running up and down my spine,
This can't be a dream.
His voice echoes in the empty room,
Then silence
And I can hear myself breathe in a deap breath...
Then he is standing over me,
Speaking to me.
"Hell is the only place for you,"
He tell me and he stabs me with a small knife.

Then, I bolt up in my bed, a scream escaping my lips.
Just a dream, that is all.

i like this it is very good in my opinion.

Hi,

I like this alot. Coming from someone who has very vivid dreams, you did an excellent job of making this feel like one. I do have one small nitpick though, when I was reading it, it just bugged me. I hope you don't mind me pointing it out. This line:

"This man, name unknown to me, is not alive, Nor is he dead."

I would suggest changing it to: This man's, name unknown to me, is not alive, Nor is he dead.

It makes more sense that way. At least to me, and I think it would flow a bit better. Other then that, I loved it, it's great!

God Bless,
Amber

Hey!

First of all, this was amazing! The way you worded each line made me want to keep reading! I also have very vivid dreams (when I decide to go to sleep) and I loved the way you had this poem be a dream with her waking up in the end. Fantastic!

I also agree with changing the line about the man. I like what Amber suggested!

I would love to read more of your writing, so keep it up!
-Jessa

hi..! great job!! I loved it...!!

Thanks guys! And in that part--"This man, name unknown to me, is not alive, Nor is he dead."-- I wasn't saying 'this man who's name is unknown to me..." I was setting the 'name unknown to me' part away from the rest of the sentence, like I see a man, but his name is unknown to me. Sorry I didn't make it clear enough.

~Forsakinshadow~

Heya - I'm Ear, and I'll be your reviewer for this evening.

I'll start off with the positives.
In light of the fact that I'm heavily leaning toward majoring in psychology and am also fascinated by the subconscious, I like the idea behind this. If I had the time to, I'd have a crack at analyzing this 'dream' regardless of if this is real or not, but considering this is a poetry review, I won't ramble any longer. Overall, this has potential. Because dreams are a popular subject in poetry, it's hard to make dream poetry sound original; however, given a few changes, like I said... this has potential.

Now for some general suggestions.

1) First thing I noticed was your title. It pretty much gave away what your entire poem would be about, not to mention the ending. You went for that wake-up-and-scream-then-realize-it-was-all-fake finish, but considering I was already expecting that to happen after reading the title, your ending didn't necessarily due the rest of the poem much justice. My advice would be to not make the poem's ending so obvious before the reader even starts reading the piece itself.

2) This poem was very straight forward and painfully blunt in some areas. I'm sure you've heard somebody, perhaps a teacher, say at least once that when writing you should "show" the reader what happens as opposed to just "telling" the reader what's going on. I say that because, in this poem, I had to try hard to actually visualize what was happening, and most of the images I thought up included detail that I added myself. Your narrow choice of words and lack of vivid imagery really takes away from what you have here - it's good, but it could be much better than it is now.

3) Although I must admit, if I were dreaming this I'm sure this would feel rather intense considering I wouldn't be able to distinguish between what's real and what isn't... this piece doesn't really captivate the reader. Not me, at least. Partially because of what I said on #2 and partially because this piece just isn't very personal. Though dreams are incredibly difficult to thoroughly understand, many have drawn the conclusion that dreams come from a deep sense of desire or fear (or any strong emotion we have inside of us). That been said, what's causing the speaker to have this dream? Why is hell the "only place" for the speaker? That's the question. Perhaps you may want to try digging deeper into these thoughts and really pull out what's driving these ideas into the speaker's mind. Not only do you need to connect with the readers, but you need to connect with your characters in the poem - give them a story, or a reason for dreaming these things.

Anyway. All three points are simply suggestions, so it goes without saying that you don't necessarily need to agree with what I say. Hopefully you'll take these things into consideration, though. Overall a good write - keep it up!

Thank you. One thing though, Earendil. In poetry, there are a lot less detail that regular writing. Poetry is mostly for the mind to enterpret, which is why it lacks so much detail--that and I lacked sleep! Thank you again, and I'll keep all of that in mind next time I write a piece like this. Poetry isn't my strongest part of writing--I'm used to writing novels, though I don't post them--which is why this is so suckish. But thank you for your comments, it'll help in the long run!

~Forsakinshadow~

forsakinshadow wrote:there are a lot less detail that regular writing

Interesting... well. Considering my prefered style of poetry is quite different from yours, I'd be inclined to say that lack of detail is simply a writer's choice (thus the reason why I said you don't have to agree with anything I said), not an actual fact. However, by definition, to interpret a poem is to explicate a poem's meaning. Does that definition imply that the reader must also incorporate his or her own details to fully understand the piece? Not really. That's the poet's job to do. Plus, details aren't just to convey meaning. It's also just a matter of being artistic.

Anyway. Not trying to say you're wrong or anything - by all means, everything's a matter of opinion in writing. Makes it easy for one to feel compelled to share their own thoughts. I'm sorry if it bothered you in any way.