The Key (part 2)

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Okay, this is part two of my story called The Key. I'm planning on submitting it into my school's writing fair contest. Please review! Thanks! :)


Adriana woke up with the sun tickling her face. The cool, spring air breezed in and out through her open window. She sat up, yawning and stretching. Then a thought hit her: It was a school day. Sighing, she quickly got up. Her eyes scanned the area for a second, memories streaming across her mind. The room had several bunk beds, which had once been for other children. They had all been adopted or sent to other orphanages, leaving just Adriana in the large room.
That was Ruth and Nellie's beds, and there's Crosby and Rowan's. Man, I remember when we had that huge pillow fight. Boy was Mrs. Simmon mad when she found out. A smile stretched over her face, as she changed into her clothes swiftly and left the room to the kitchen where Mrs. Simmon had cooked pancakes.
“Eat up, Adriana.” Mrs. Simmon placed a plate of pancakes on to the table.
“Thanks,” Adriana mumbled, reaching for the maple syrup.
“Any plans for today?” Mrs. Simmon sat down opposite Adriana. Adriana shook her head, after all, it was just a boring, normal day. “Why are you up so early then?” Adriana's eyes flew to the clock behind Mrs. Simmon.
“It's seven!” Adriana shouted, surprise bolting through her as she leaped to her feet. “Oh, I forgot that I was suspended.” She sighed, sank back down, and rested her chin on the palm of her hand.
“It's alright, honey.” Mrs. Simmon assured, placing her warm hand on Adriana's. Mrs. Simmon smiled, hoping to boost the young girl's spirit. “Who were you talking to yesterday?”
“Huh? Oh, you mean Lloyd? He's Dorian's step-brother. He goes to the same school too.” Adriana replied, shrugging off the question.”He's nothing like Dorian, which is a good thing. He's nothing special though.”
Mrs. Simmon raised an eyebrow. “Why don't you spend the morning with him? Go talk to him again.”
“I don't know him much though, and besides, what for?.” And I don't trust him completely. Adriana wanted to add, but she held back her tongue, not wanting Mrs. Simmon to worry. “He's just this kid, that's all.”
“Why don't you just walk around then? Go into town, maybe. Do you want to go to the candy store? Here, I'll give you some money.”
“Sure...” Adriana thought it over. It would be nice to go outside and get out of the stuffy orphanage. Mrs. Simmon nodded, a tiny smile playing on her lips.
“Now, just because I'm giving you money doesn't mean that I approve of you and your fights. Try and stay out of them.” Mrs. Simmon said, handing Adriana some money. “Spend the money wisely.”
Adriana grinned, but the moment was cut short as she heard a shout. She glanced at the door, curiosity flitted across her face. More shouts were heard as they grew louder, and closer. Mrs. Simmon, busy at the sink, heard nothing; the sound of rushing water covered up the screams. Adriana threw on a simple coat and went out the door. The wind was calm and soothing. Unfortunately, it wasn't so comforting once Adriana stepped out onto the street.
“There she is! That's the Key! I'm sure she's the one!” Someone shrieked, pointing a dirty finger at Adriana. There was a mob not too far from Adriana. They were carrying pitch-forks, spades, and other weapons. Their clothes were nothing but simple rags.
“Charge!” Someone else yelled, and before Adriana could raise a hand, the mob was barreling full-speed at her. Panic struck, and Adriana ran off towards the woods that neighbored the orphanage.
She blasted into the woods, crashing through the underbrush. Twigs and branches caught at her hair, but she continued to race through the woods. She slowed down, gasping for air. Glancing around, she scaled up a tree nimbly. Finding a good spot, she settled down, still trying to calm her racing heart. Her breath game in ragged gasps, as she scanned the area. What was that? Who were they? And, did they call me a key? How am I a key? Thoughts flew through her mind. Her heart began to slow down, and her breath steadied.
“Psst, Adriana!” A voice hissed below her. Adriana jumped, but spotted Lloyd standing near the trunk of the tree.
“Psst, Adriana!” A voice hissed below her. Adriana jumped, but spotted Lloyd standing near the trunk of the tree.
“Lloyd! How did you find me?” Adriana asked, as she hopped down from the tree. Lloyd noted that Adriana was fast on her feet and could climb up trees like a monkey.
“Look. I'll explain later.” Lloyd whispered. “Come on. I can get you out of here.” Adriana, doubtfully, followed Lloyd through the forest. She was burning for answers. Once out of the street, Adriana couldn't hold back the tumble of questions as they came flowing out.
“How did you find me? Have you been in the woods before? Why were those people chasing me? What are you doing here?”
Lloyd put a finger to his lips to signal Adriana to stop talking.
“Lloyd! Come on! I can tell you know the answers.” Adriana burst out. “Besides, how do I know that I can trust you?”
“Not now! I'll tell you later. First, we have to get far away from those people.” Lloyd then beckoned Adriana to continue follow him. They ran down the street, past the orphanage, and then down the road.
“Where are we going?” Adriana asked, panting, as they plunged further down the road.
“Somewhere,” Lloyd replied simply. He was breathing hard too, and knew talking would only weaken his strength. “Don't talk.” Adriana frowned, but didn't slow down her pace. After a few minutes, they came to a stop near a huge, oak tree. Adriana collapsed at the base of the trunk, gasping for air.
“Okay... will you... explain now?” Adriana said through large gulps of air. Lloyd was leaning against the tree, breathless. He shook his head.
“When we're safe,” He said.
“We are!” Adriana shouted, frustration building up inside her. Her eyes swept across the area. They were crouched near the edge of a small cluster of trees. The road was still dusty and old, and if they continued towards the same direction, they would reach the town. The grass was prickly under her, and she stumbled up, clumsily.
“We're going somewhere more safe.” Lloyd answered. He could see the stubbornness that was spelled clearly in her eyes, as she glared determinedly at him.
“Then tell me, at least, why I should trust you.” Adriana pursed her lips. She wanted answers to her numerous questions that had sprung up in the air.
Lloyd had known this had been coming sooner or later. It had happened once before, he recalled. “Well,” Lloyd paused, thinking carefully. If he said the wrong thing, then the world could be doomed. “I saved you from those mobs back there. Also, I'm about to get you somewhere safe. Far from those mobs, so they can't find you.”
“How are you going to do that? I don't see any cars.” Adriana glanced around them again. “Or are they hidden?”
Lloyd shook his head. “No, we're not going to get there by a vehicle.” Confusion spread across Adriana's face, and Lloyd knew he had to explain. “We're going to transport.”
“Transport?” Adriana repeated.
Lloyd nodded, and said, “The government has lots of unknown technology that you guys don't know.” Adriana frowned, doubt was obviously shown in her expression.
She sighed. “Fine, but where are we going? And why do I have to go there?”
“Because, you're the Key.”
Adriana screwed up her face, thinking hard. “I'm a key? That's what those mobs called me though. You're not working for them are you?”
“No, no,” Lloyd sighed, impatiently. “The Key. Haven't you heard of it before?”
“No,” she replied slowly, still searching her memories. “The Key. Hm... Nope! Never heard of it before. Though, I think Dorian talked about it before. Wait a moment, how would you have government technology? You didn't steal it did you?” A look of horror hit Adriana as she imagined Lloyd in a typical thief's outfit, sneaking in to a building.
“No, I didn't steal it. They gave it to me.”
“Why would they give it to you? You're just a boy.” Adriana stopped Lloyd from continuing. He sighed, surprised that anyone could possibly come up with so many questions. “Just tell me, will you?”
“I will! Once we get there! But you're making it take forever!” Lloyd said, exasperated.
“Fine, pull out that fancy gadget of yours.” The sarcasm was evident in Adriana's voice. Lloyd remembered the cheery, kind girl that he had met the day before. Why was she suddenly throwing sarcastic comments at him? “Well? Mr. I-Know-Everything-But-I'm-Not-Going-To-Bother-Telling-My-Friend, why don't you hurry up? Weren't you saying that I was keeping us from going?” Her anger was flaring and though she knew that, she didn't try to distinguish it.
“Adriana,” Lloyd tried to calm the blabbing girl. She moaned, closing her eyes.
“Hurry up, alright?”
Lloyd pulled his cellphone out and took Adriana's hand. Startled, she jerked away, staring at Lloyd.
“What was that for?” Adriana asked, backing away from him.
“If you're going to transport with me, you need to hold on to me.” Lloyd explained as patiently as he could. Adriana scowled and placed her hand on his shoulder.
“Is that okay for you?” She said sharply, her voice behind him. Lloyd nodded, and brought the cellphone up to his ear. “Hold on tight and close your eyes!”
“Beep!” The cellphone blared. “Transporting to HQ.” Lloyd felt Adriana's grip tighten as he closed his eyes. Adriana squeezed her eyes shut, as she felt a nauseous feeling overcome her. Her head spun, and a whirring noise gave her a headache. It continued for a few moments, then the spinning stopped, and she stumbled forward. Her fall was stopped by her hand that was still on Lloyd's shoulder.
“You alright? You probably never transported before.” Lloyd glanced at Adriana as she sank down onto the tile floor. The wind had been knocked out of her, and she was breathing hard. She suddenly found the angry feeling in her slowly sinking away.
“What the? What was that?” Adriana was wide-eyed. She had been shocked and unprepared for that non-comforting feeling.
“Transporting,” Lloyd replied, pulling her back onto her feet. “Come on. You wanted answers, didn't you? I'll bring you to the captain.” Lloyd sauntered down the hall, and Adriana hurried up behind him. Now, did she notice where she was.
The floor showed the results of endless polishing on the black and white tiles. Plain, white walls rose up above them, meeting the ceiling not too far above them. People rushed about, barely noticing the young boy and his friend as they merged with the crowd surging down the hall. The people around them were wearing normal, everyday clothes. Some chattered away on their cellphones, identical to Lloyd's. Many were just racing down the hall, determined to pass a message along or to reach a meeting on time.
Adriana peered around eagerly. Already, questions were already sprouting from everywhere, as they rounded a corner. Doors lined the hallways, as Lloyd guided Adriana through the maze of halls.
“Lloyd, where are we?” Adriana finally couldn't hold back.
“HQ,” Lloyd said simply. Adriana frowned. She preferred straight answers, and Lloyd obviously didn't want to give her any of those.
He stopped in front of a set of double doors and pushed them open. The hall they entered was quieter, and there were less people about. The doors here were more spaced apart, and the people around seemed to have all the time in the world. They walked slowly, or stayed back and blabbered away with one another.
Lloyd continued down the hall and halted at a particular door. He knocked on it, and said, “Lieutenant Lloyd Fletcher reporting. The Key is here.” Adriana drew in a breath of air, and turned at Lloyd.
“Lloyd! What's this key business?” She asked, gazing at him suspiciously. Lloyd ignored her, struggling to remain silent.
The same voice from the phone replied, “Excellent, come in.” Lloyd pulled the door open and motioned Adriana to come in. She sighed and reluctantly followed.
The office was fairly big. The yellow curtains were drawn together, and a chandelier dangled from the ceiling, spreading a warm glow of light throughout the room. A buff man stood behind the long oak desk. Papers were strewn across, most nearly tipping off.
“Welcome,” He turned and smiled. Though he was tall, his friendly old face was as kind as ever. He was dead serious when it came to work, but patient and nice to his friends and colleagues. His black hair was beginning to melt into a gray color. Wise, brown eyes examined Adriana as she came in. While he analyzed Adriana, she did the same to the room. She was standing behind Lloyd and just from her body language, the man knew that she was shy.
To the corner of the room, there was a table and a TV. Two leather couches surrounded it, while a coffee table sat in the middle. Her fingers fidgeted as she took in sight of the muscular man standing before her.
“Sir,” Lloyd nodded, respectfully, as the door closed. The man came out from behind his desk and headed towards the couches.
“Here, why not make ourselves comfortable? Knowing you, Lloyd, I doubt you've told Miss Adriana about the Key.” The man explained as he settled down on the couch. Lloyd sat on the opposite couch, and Adriana came too. She was perched on the edge of the chair, confirming the man's suspicions.
“I believe, that this time, you should have.” He said. Lloyd gulped, what if he had done something wrong.
“Sorry, sir.” Lloyd stared downward, refusing to look in his superior's eyes.
“It's alright.” The man's voice was soft and calming. Lloyd glanced up and saw understanding in the man's eyes. Lloyd sighed an inward sigh of relief. The fact that he wouldn't be demoted was of great relief. “Miss Adriana, it's pleased to meet you. I'm Lloyd's captain, Captain Shane Rhodes.” He stuck his hand out, and Adriana shook it.
“Um... Nice to meet you too.” Adriana said, unsure of what to say. “So, will you tell me about this whole key thing?”
Captain Rhodes chuckled. “I knew Lloyd never told you. He holds his information he has real tightly. Hard to get anything out of him.” He laughed again, slapping his hand on his leg. Adriana and Lloyd exchanged glances. Lloyd had rarely seen his captain laugh so loudly.
After regaining his composure, Captain Rhodes shook his head. “I'm sorry. Lloyd, perhaps you would like to explain about The Key?”
Lloyd shrugged, “Sure. The Key isn't a real key. It's a person.”
“Which is me, isn't it? Everyone keeps calling me that. How do they know that it's me? How do they know it's not someone else?” Adriana asked, her questions were already forming.
“Just like how we knew it was you.” Lloyd saw the questioning look in her eyes, and held up his hand. “Look, just let me explain from the beginning. The Key was formed around when the Monster was formed.”
“Monster? There's a monster?” Adriana saw Lloyd's look and finally clamped her mouth shut.
“Yes, near about 100 thousand years ago. The Monster was formed from all the things we have wasted. The things we could have saved, the things we could have reused or recycled. All of Nature's hatred towards us had reached its peak, and the Monster was formed. It was Nature's way of getting revenge on us.”
“Nature? How can Nature attack us?”
“Because, Nature is alive itself. It has it's own mind. Just that Nature is always asleep. The Monster was formed unconsciously. It pillaged the cities and towns. It brought mayhem and disease. People were starving in the streets. Some just simply dropped dead. It was horrible. After a while, the government started this organization. Or, more like, added us to the organization. The HQ at first was just a building for the government's top scientists to research things and advance the government's technology.”
“Then, we came along. When the Monster had formed, Nature knew that even it couldn't capture the Monster once it was released. Nature wanted a way to keep the Monster in its grasp, and release it into the world when it wanted to. So, Nature also created the Key when it created the Monster. Though, when the Key was being created, some people had been touched by the Key. Which is, us. We, who got touched by the Key, can see the Monster. We've got some magical powers too.”
“Magical powers? What can you do?” Adriana burst out suddenly. Finally something interesting. All that Lloyd had been talking about sounded more like a myth or legend than a real story. Lloyd waved away her question; his eyes telling Adriana to wait. Adriana rolled her eyes but said no more.
“Anyway, I'll explain that later. At first, the Key was going to be for Nature, not for people. The Key was created out of the goodness of people. All the animals and natural places saved or helped. It was made from the kindness and the lives saved by us. However, when the Key was being made, the Monster was furious that Nature would try to imprison him. So, just before the Key was finished, the Monster took the Key and threw the Key far, far away. And the Key landed in a human. As the Key was flying out in the air, it hit several people, and those people were us. The Key became a person.”
“Nature, of course, had no idea where the Key had gone. It tried all it could to find the Key, never once thinking the Key had gone into one of us. So, Nature gave up and decided to let the Monster rage forever. The very first person who had gotten the Key, or the Key itself, had magical powers. They were the powers of purification – the Monster's weakness.”
“Who's the first Key?” Adriana saw a look of annoyance in Lloyd's eyes, but he replied anyway.
“The first Key was Azalea Cassell. She was around your age, and now that I think about it, she has your hazel eyes too...” Lloyd's voice trailed off as he analyzed Adriana's outer appearance. “Wait a minute... You can't be...”
“What? What? What can't I be?” Adriana nearly shouted. She didn't like not knowing things, and she didn't like it even more when nobody told her. Captain Rhodes was also looking at her, his eyes sweeping up and down. She frowned, and made a face.
“No way,” Lloyd was shaking his head. He rubbed his chin thoughtfully. “Captain Rhodes, do you still have a picture of Azalea?” Captain Rhodes knew that Lloyd was thinking the exact same thing, and he hurried to fetch the picture.
“It's a good thing I placed it somewhere safe. It might have been eaten by my cat or something stupid like that.” Captain Rhodes muttered as he searched through his drawers and pulled out the picture.
Lloyd walked to his captain and they looked at the picture together, both of their brains buzzing away. “I thought so,” Captain Rhodes said. Adriana couldn't stand it anymore. She dashed over to where they were standing and glanced at the picture.
The picture showed a young girl, at around Adriana's age, smiling at the camera. She had long brown hair, and hazel eyes. Her brown hair was the exact color as Adriana's, and her eyes were the same too.
“What the?” Adriana stared, wide-eyed at Azalea. “She looks just like me!” Captain Rhodes walked behind his desk and picked up the phone.
“Good morning, Commander. My lieutenant, Lloyd Fletcher, brought the Key to me this morning... No, there's no problem... No, everything is fine... Sorry, Commander, it's just that... Well, Sir, I was wondering if you could come and meet the Key... I think you'll like her, Sir... No, she isn't your wife... Sir, she looks exactly like Azalea... Okay, okay, great! Thanks, Commander... Alright, see you later, Sir.”
Captain Rhodes put the phone down and nodded to Lloyd. “Lt. Fletcher, can you go and make some tea?” Lloyd nodded in reply, and hurried off. He knew that Captain Rhodes was nervous. Captain Rhodes began pacing around the room, all the while murmuring to himself.
“Um... Captain Rhodes, what was that about?” Adriana asked uncertainly, watching Lloyd disappear through the door. Panic was gradually seeping into her. The only reason why she had felt comfortable here was because Lloyd had been around, and she trusted him.
Captain Rhodes paused a moment, glancing at Adriana. “Look, that was the commander. He's the highest of us all, and the oldest too.” He grumbled the last part, but then continued. “He's the only person still living that actually met Azalea in person.”
“What? How's that possible?” Adriana's hands were fidgeting, and she couldn't control the fear that was taking over. Her ignorance was pestering her, and she wished she could have some answers. “And what's taking Lloyd so long?” She looked at the door, as if she could will Lloyd to come back. Captain Rhodes waved her question away.
“Don't worry. You don't really trust us, do you? It's okay, I'm not going to hurt you.” Captain Rhodes began pacing again. He could see the worried lines that cut across her forehead, and decided to ignore it. “The Key gives us eternal life. Lloyd has lived for... I think it's 5000 years.”
“5000 years?!” Adriana's attention flew to Captain Rhodes. “B-But that's impossible!”
Captain Rhodes shook his head. “No, it's not. I've lived for 10,000 years. Why else do you think I'm his superior?”
“But Lloyd looks nothing like a five-thousand- year old! He... He looks like my age!” Adriana persisted. The fear that had been building up inside her vanished as her stubbornness took place.
“You're too naïve. You think that whatever someone says is true.” Captain Rhodes was shaking his head again. “He certainly acts like a 15-year-old. I'm not too sure.”
“Does that mean he'll stay that way? He'll look fifteen forever? That's weird.” Adriana looked at Captain Rhodes. He looked like he was probably in his late 30s. She was about to say something again, when the door swung open.
Last edited by armstronge on Mon Mar 28, 2011 11:14 pm, edited 1 time in total.
“To the world you might be one person, but to one person you might be the world”

“A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you just the way you are.”

“Truly great friends are hard to find, difficult to leave, and impossible to forget.”




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Hello. I'll be your reviewer for today. Firstly, I do not do grammar, I just pick up a point that I don't feel fits and try and show you how to fix it. The reason why I don't edit your grammar is because it doesn't teach or help your writing in any way. [And you don't have many grammar errors anyway]. :P

I'll start off with the possitives. Your third person writing is spectacular. It's very hard for me to enjoy third person stories because I only read and write in first. I really enjoyed it, great job. Your expressions and grammar is well done also, and the short comings of an extremely interesting plot is all there but...

Yes, there is a but, you have some problems.

Your main character firstly. Adriana sounds way to childish, in fact I imagined her to be eight and I don't think that is the age you wanted for your MC. You told me she got suspended for fighting, well would an innocent, childish person really get into 'fights', as you stated? No. I think that you have to age your character a little bit. Make her blunt because she reminds me of Primrose from the Hunger Games and not of Katniss as I think would suit the role better.

Now to another point. Your story is moving, well, out of order. Don't get me wrong, you have a talent with words but something just wasn't right. You have her coming out of bed, looking at the time, realising that she has been suspended, and then having her going to town where she is attacked. That doesn't flow for what you're going for. Where is the character's emotions, where is the flow?

You've skipped these parts and they're very important in telling a story. Here are my suggestions. Have her rush out of bed only to realise that she is suspended. And then, because she is a badass, have her shrug off the woman in the kitchen even though she feels bad. Then you have them during the conversation and BAM, she hears screams and shouts outside. Adri goes and checks out what is happening and then she is accused of being the Key. That is what I thought would fit. This is not my story so you don't have to follow my advice if you don't want to.

It's just that to me, her not hearing a whole mob of people sounds fake and them just appearing magically (they didn't, I know, but it was so adrupt it sounded as if they did) as they did, sounds weird. I suggest going back and slowing it down. Making this into two chapters if you have to. This is a very good peice and I don't want it to go to waste because of bad timing.

Another plus I can say is that you show and not tell, and that is the most common problem on this site. I myself always make the mistake of telling and not showing. I want you to keep going, I love this and I cannot wait for the third chapter.

Good luck,

Apple.
I spy!




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this is great i love it i read the first part and you are defiantly going to win! you should also make this into a book! i cant wait for the rest, i dont really know what to review it was really amazing!
Air force!



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