The Ghost Whistperer: Proluge

The Beginning


It started nine years ago. I was seven years old at the time, and I hadn't really seperated the real world from the one I had created. I was playing ball with my best friend in his family's front yard. Up until then, I thought all the people I saw were imaginary, or that's what people kept telling me. I hadn't really talked to any of them, they were all skulking around, all the time. My friend didn't see them so I never really brought them up to anyone. I almost thought they were a pigment of my imagination until this. . . . . horrific accident happened. I saw my friend's brother had walked down to the gas station to get a soda pop and was returning when I saw a black truck swerving around on the street before him. He didn't hear it because he had those bloody earphones in and was listening to his very loud and obnoxious music. In the next seconds, I heard screaming and the brother was standing beside me. He was calm. I looked in front of me and there he was, lying on the ground, his mother fussing over him like there was a way to save him. He knew that I could see him and asked if I could tell them something very important, and was to tell them right away. He never really talked to me in his life. I was always his brother's friend. He probably didn't even know my name until that moment. After he told me what I needed to say. He kissed me on the cheek and hugged me for the last time. Then he walked into The Light. He left forever, leaving his body, an empty shell, left for the rest of us to see. I never told his family what he said to me, I couldn't bring myself to do it.

Messages from the grave aren't the best idea, especially to a person who hasn't told anyone about their gift. But now I know what I must do, and I intend to do it. I've kept this in my whole life, and now it feels as if I can't hold it in any longer. I must tell someone, but who can a seer trust other than another seer. And really, where, in such a town as Saint Catherine's, can you find anouther seer? I'm ready to help them, The Afterlife's, or ghosts as you all call them.

This is the first time I've ever told anyone about this. . . gift I have, but I'm positive it won't be the last.

To be honest, I'm not sure if I like it. It's...alright in some aspects but very cliche in some ways. I can predict the story line from here. The girl will meet a guy, not know if she can trust him, he has something to do with dying and then she saves him or the other way around, then she trusts him, tells the truth, falls madly in love, some villian rears its head, they defeat it and they live happily ever after. I could be wrong somewhere, but this is what I have in my mind. I would jump straight to the action instead of the beginning. It's somewhat easy to find this boring and I don't believe that you'll continue to write in this style once you do Chapter One. I believe it will change and the beginning will be irrelevant. Don't take all this badly, I just want to see something different.

This story was somewhat interesting, and it may have some potential if written right.
The first paragraph should have been broken up into several. If you read a book with a paragraph this long, it would be very intimidating, and you wouldn't want to read it.

It started nine years ago. I was seven years old at the time, and I hadn't really separated the real world from the one I had created. I was playing ball with my best friend in his family's front yard. Up until then, I thought all the people I saw were imaginary, or that's what people kept telling me. I hadn't really talked to any of them, they were all skulking around, all the time. My friend didn't see them so I never really brought them up to anyone. I almost thought they were a pigment of my imagination until this. . . . . horrific accident happened. (Paragraph break. A new idea is being introduced.)I saw my friend's brother had walked down to the gas station to get a soda pop and was returning when I saw a black truck swerve (this should be in the same tense as saw) around on the street before him. He didn't hear it because he had those bloody earphones in and was listening to his very (I don't think this word is needed. Obnoxious already explains that it was louder than it needed to be.)loud and obnoxious music. Paragraph break In the next seconds, I heard screaming and the brother was standing beside me. He was calm. I looked in front of me and there he was, lying on the ground, his mother fussing over him like there was a way to save him. He knew that I could see him and asked if I could tell them something very important, and was to tell them right away. Paragraph break He never really talked to me in his life. I was always his brother's friend. He probably didn't even know my name until that moment. After he told me what I needed to say. He kissed me on the cheek and hugged me for the last time. Then he walked into The Light. He left forever, leaving his body, an empty shell, left for the rest of us to see. I never told his family what he said to me, I couldn't bring myself to do it.

Messages from the grave aren't the best idea, especially to a person who hasn't told anyone about their gift. But now I know what I must do, and I intend to do it. I've kept this in my whole life, and now it feels as if I can't hold it in any longer. I must tell someone, but who can a seer trust other than another seer. And really, where, in such a town as Saint Catherine's, can you find anouther seer? I'm ready to help them, The Afterlife's, or ghosts as you all call them.

This is the first time I've ever told anyone about this. . . gift I have, but I'm positive it won't be the last.

My comments and corrections are in red.^^

EDIT: Oh, and 'proluge' is spelt, prologue.
I hope this helps you, and you continue writing.(:

Hey, I'm THE Puzzler, and I'll be your reviewer for today.

Before we even start...

Whoa. Huge block of text. I almost didn't want to review it because it would be painful to read such a big block. Where I'm from, we call this brick cheese writing. Try slicing the paragraphs up a bit. When you start on a new topic/idea start a new paragraph. Simple enough, right?

Up until then, I thought all the people I saw were imaginary, or that's what people kept telling me.

That my friend is what we call a run-on sentence. Don't be ashamed of it. It happens all the time. What you should have put was something along the lines of ... -> Up until then I thought all the people I saw were imaginary, or that's what people kept telling me.

Always remember F.A.N.B.O.Y.S. (For, And, Nor, But, Or, Yet, So.) You always put a comma after those words, but not without. Without reading any further I see you need to practice with F.A.N.B.O.Y.S.

...until this. . . . . horrific accident happened.

When using ellipses there are two ways to do it right. The classic . . . or ... but only ever three. Five is a bit too many for an editor's liking.

...their gift. But now...

Another example you need help with F.A.N.B.O.Y.S. After 'gift' you shouldn't have put a period. Instead, you should have put a comma before but.

This is the first time I've ever told anyone about this. . . gift I have, but I'm positive it won't be the last.

Yay for correct use of a comma!

Over all, it's a good idea. I think you should continue. I'm not personally a big fan of ghost stories. No matter the sort, but this was really interesting. Have fun writing and keep improving!

With love,

Puzzler~

It was okay, I think. I got bored with it, so it's lucky it's short. I think it's good for someone who likes this sort of thing, but not me.

Also, something that first caught my eye. Me being a grammer and spelling geek and all, the title is spelt wrong!!!!!
The title should be The Ghost Whisperer.
Notice there is no t in it. Sorry for being picky but you GOT to change that, it has been bugging me since I noticed.

Overall, it's not my taste, but I think you should keep writing for the sake of other readers.

I like this but it's not too terribly great. I would put it a bit of a twist to it since there's so many others like this. I don't know, I right cliches sometimes too but you've got to make it your own in a way that's going to leave the reader thinking, "Wow, I did not see that coming." Just suggestions though, it's your story and you have the choice to do whatever you'd like with it. I'm not good on the whole grammar thing so I don't even think I'll attempt to find the errors. Aside from all this, you did a good job. Keep up the good job and don't let anyone discourage you ever.