Dystopian piece

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This is just a piece of writing i had to do in my English class. I don't really like it but i thought i would put it up and see what you all have to say. Please be honest all the comments will be noted as this is my first fantasy kind of piece :)



It is so dark; like a starless night where nothing could be seen for miles. No light was present. The unbearable smell of toxins; it is so awful it is like having a fire started up your nostrils. The unbelievable pain; shooting up my legs from running so long. There is truly no hope left. I am running blind; no idea where I am, how far I’ve gone. I just have to keep going, I can’t stop. I can never stop.


As the bright sun shone through the dull opening of the cave; I jerked awake suddenly, I was in a cold sweat. Every night the same dream, the same memory. It doesn’t change. It never changes. I slowly unfold myself from the well-used blanket, and fold it with the up-most care and carefully place it in my hiking bag that held the last of my possessions. My well-loved blanket, “note to self must find another in the next town”, a second pair of deep sea green pants and a military standard shirt, a travel pack of first aid gear and my dog tags. I was lucky to find this, what can only be described as a cave of ruins; a temporary shelter for a few miserable hours. One hundred and three days. It’s been one hundred and three days days since the world ended, for what seemed like the entire human race. It was like the planet was a clock and the battery failed; like the hands had just stopped and time stood still. I have no idea what happened, I wasn't a scientist, but the planet went into darkness at 1600 hours on December 21st, and stayed in total blindness for what seemed like seven days. I didn’t know if anyone else was there; I never knew what had happened to the planet. All I knew was I should have been dead, seven days without the sun, one of the thing essential for life, but I was alive. I constantly ran for days on end; in all direction, but never once did I run into any objects. When the sun finally burst through the tapestry of ebony, it was like an artist had suddenly painted the sky, and the sight of light was over- powering. Although I had been released from my prison of eternal darkness, the sight that was presented in the light did not bring happiness or hope, only despair.


I still remember how it looked. I may have spent most of my time on the West Point Military Academy base, but I still remembered how the city looked; now my home was in ruins. The bigger buildings are still falling down and half missing, the smaller buildings gone, the roads are gone, smashed into a thousand pieces; once where there were bridges, now are just piles of rubble. The smell of toxins was still strong, every breath taken felt like a punch in the gut because of the smell. The feeling that someone was walking down the streets of New York to catch the bus, or to go to the salon to have a girls day is still there. Only I knew no one was there; I knew the buses had all been obliterated in the explosion, all the people waiting in line for an ice-cream from the corner shop were gone, and no one was here. None of this devastation would have happened if the biological plant hadn’t been built or had exploded. The government had decided that the world had become over-populated and the only options left, were as Washington put it “The Final Two” One. Leave the population; let the planet be consumed by the human race, or Two. Create a biological bomb, kill the southern hemisphere and try and save the northern hemisphere from over population. Personally I voted for option 1. Now I’m no scientist, but my father was. He helped create the formula for the bomb, but days before the explosion he had me pulled off the base…

“Dad, I have a lot of work to do; what do you want?”
“I need you to sit down and take this pill.” The expression on his face was blank, the look he got every time something was troubling him. Dad was always worried about me contracting an illness and constantly making me take pills.
“Dad... Dad what’s the pill for, is this thing to protect me from another illness you’ve found? Cos if so…”
“Just take it!”
I stared at my father. Never once had he raised his voice to me not since my mother had walk out on us when I was ten.
“I’m sorry honey, just trust me and take it, you also have to have an injection, and then I promise you can go.”
After I swallowed the pill, I sat in silence while my father injected me with thick blue syrup. ‘Something must be wrong.’ I told myself. As soon as he had finished, I stood and gave him a hug.
“Dad whatever is troubling you, it will work out, it always does. ‘Cos you’re a genius”
He smiled, knowing I thought the world of him.
“I love you”
“I Love you to Dad. See you at Sunday dinner. Bye”

A silent tear slid down my cheek. That was that last time I saw my Dad. That Friday three days after I had seen my Dad, the biological plant exploded. The sound was unlike anything that can be described. Hundreds of kilometres were cleared just by the sound waves. Then the plant erupted into a flash of light. It was like a thousand suns all compacted into one great show of lights, spread in every direction. I saw all of this tragedy from the out skirts of New York at my father’s house where I was peeling potatoes for my Dad’s favourite potato dish…

‘Don’t think, it’s in the past, think about now, about living another day. Forget about the past.’ And so for now, I forgot.

Twenty seven more days have passed; twenty seven more nights, twenty seven more dreams. Every night the pain in my head, and my heart expand, like the memory was trying to break away from my mind to torment me even more. It’s been two hundred days since the ‘accident’. The toxic smell has begun to decrease; the punch isn’t so strong now. I have been wandering for hours hoping to find a small town or something, and just as my last shred of hope was fading, I see that top of a church. The feeling of unexpected hope spreads through me. I don’t know where I am, I lost sight of any city days ago. I rapidly run down to the church, but the further I got the smell of toxins evaporated, and the horrendous smell of putrid, rotting carcasses grew stronger. I had no idea where the smell was coming from, but it was horrible. Slowly I pull the large jumper I found in a clothes store a week ago out of my hiking bag, to cover my nose and mouth. In a field across from the church was a sea of black. I cautiously move forward to see what it was. Suddenly thousands of flies lift of the ground revealing a horrific sight. There were bodies; human and animal alike on the ground slowly rotting away. I quickly stumble away, but not before my stomach reacted to the sight of all the dead, mangled remains. After my body had finished coughing; what felt like my entire guts out, I unsteadily stumbled to the steps of the church. Hours must have passed, but I no longer cared; somewhere in that time I realized there was no hope. Two hundred days and not a single person had appeared. I don’t know what had happened to the rest of the world, but surely if one of the United States’ biggest cities suddenly had a big plant blew up, some nation would feel the urge to see what had happened…? but no one came. Its then I realize the toxic smell could have travelled as far as the Southern hemisphere as well as the Northern hemisphere by now. Slowly I broke down in tears. I cried without resistance. It felt like Niagara Falls was pouring from my eyes, but what should it matter; no one was here to see me, no one to judge me for breaking down. I am alone; I could be the last of the human race. My father Tony O'Connor was a scientist, and he saved my life. My name is Natasha O’Connor; I was a Major in the United States Army in the year 2012; and now because of my father I am possibly the only survivor of man’s biggest mistake.

Thanks for the comments :D
Last edited by Nyx on Fri Mar 18, 2011 10:36 pm, edited 3 times in total.




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Hey, I noticed that you didn't have any reviews for your piece, so here I am!

Let's get started.

It is so dark; like an event horizon where nothing could be seen for miles. No light was present. The unbearable smell of toxins; it is so awful it is like having a fire started up your nostrils. The unbelievable pain; shooting up my legs from running so long. There is truly no hope left. I am running blind; no idea where I am, how far I’ve gone. I just have to keep going, I can’t stop. I can never stop.


This is a great opening! However, you need to clear up the first sentence because as it stands, it doesn't make much sense. The word "event" I think has been misued here. After this it just needs some tightening up so that it reads a bit more smoothly :)



As the bright shimmering sun shone through the dull opening of the cave;


Neither of these words are bad on their own, but both together sound funny. I think it might be worth changing to order of this sentence as well, so that it starts with the character waking up and then moves on to the sun.

It was like the planet was a clock and the battery failed; like the hands had just stopped and time stood still.


this is a lovely little metaphor :D

I have no idea what happened, I’m not a scientist,


be careful that you've changed tense here. "I HAD no idea...I WASNT a scientist."

but the planet went into darkness at 1600 hours on December 21st, and stayed in the carpet of blindness for what seemed like 7 days.


Carpet? This is a bit odd, although i know what you are trying to convey. Try find another way of saying this :)

All I knew was I should have been dead, 7 days will out the sun,


This should read; "seven days without the sun."

The sun was what I thought a beckon of hope.


beacon of hope. Maybe this would be better as "I thought the sun was a beacon of hope."

I still remember how it looked. I may have spent most of my time on the West Point Military Academy base, but I recollect how the city looked; now my home is in ruins.


Watch your tenses again.

The bigger buildings are still falling down and half missing, the smaller buildings gone, the roads are gone, smashed into a thousand pieces; once where there were bridges, now are just piles of rubble. The smell of toxins is still strong, every breath taken felts like a punch in the gut because of the smell.


Tenses again!


...not since my mother had walk out on us when I was 10.


"when I was ten."

He smiled. Knowing I thought the world of him.


"He smiled, knowing i thought the world of him."

Then the plant erupted into a flash of light.


planet.

I saw all of this tragedy from the out skirts of New York at my father’s house where I was peeling potatoes for my Dad’s favourite potato dish… ‘Don’t think, it’s in the past, think about now, about living another day. Forget about the past.’ And so for now, I forgot.


Start a new paragraph after "potato dish" :)

27 more days have passed; 27 more nights, 27 more dreams.


twenty seven.

Every night the pain in my head, and my heart expand, like the memory is trying to break away from my mind to torment me even more.


tenses again. was! The whole next section is rife with confused tenses. For example;

Slowly I break down in tears. I cried without resistance.


My father Tony O'Connor was a scientist, and he saved my life. My name is Natasha O’Connor; I was a Major in the United States Army in the year 2012; and now because of my father I am possibly the only survivor of man’s biggest mistake.


I love this final line. it's great!

All in all, I enjoyed your story! I thought it was imaginative and well thought out, although your excecution needs a little tweaking. Your biggest and most prominent problem is with your tenses. You switch between past an present in the same sentence! Just make sure you keep an eye out for this, because its so simple to fix :) Also, i noticed a lot of typos. I didn't correct them all, but keep an eye our for these too.My advice would be just to proof read everything you've written, and then read it again! Maybe even get someone you trust with your writing to go over it, because its sometimes hard to notice these things as the writer of the piece.

Anyway, I hope i have helped!! Keep writing!!
I will live forever, even if I die trying.



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