Cornelia Who Was Sneaky

Spoiler

Hey YWS!

This is the second narrative poem I have posted. Personally, the first on I wrote (Roberto Who Was Greedy) is much better and this is still a work in progress. But, hopefully with your advice I can make this poem just a funny and witty. For those of you who have read 'Roberto Who Was Greedy' this is the same in the way that it carries a moral for young readers behind the humour. And for those of you who haven't read it here's the link: viewtopic.php?t=61884

Enjoy and please review!

Cornelia Steel was a timid young kid,
But under her shyness a bad habit was hid.
For she loved to steel from the shop nearby,
Any old junk that caught her eye.

Her father would send her on a weekly chore,
To bring back a paper from the corner store.
And under her jacket Cornelia would hide,
Pens and lollies; anything she could find.

At school she’d been taught not to take without pay,
But Cornelia couldn’t resist the goods on display.
So every evening she’d creep out the house,
And walk to the shop to have a quick browse.

Now one Friday night she was looking around,
And next to counter guess what she found?
In front of her eyes was a wind up toy rocket,
Which she rapidly lifted and placed in her pocket.

Cornelia managed to sneak out in time,
But the shopkeeper Clarence had spotted her crime.
He exploded with rage from the terrible shock,
And just to make sure he checked all the stock.

He came to the conclusion that the girl was a crook,
And locked up the shop, tracking the steps that she took.
Now Clarence believed that Cornelia would pay,
But not just with money, in a different way.

The footsteps behind her formed a lump in her throat,
Then the shopkeeper stifled her under his coat.

The crafty girl who happily steels,
Finally found out just how it feels.
If you’ve ever nicked something, this one’s for you.
Those who steal, get stolen too!

Hahaha, this is hilarious. So simple, so fresh and funny. I haven't read "Roberto" but now I definitely will. Just a couple things first, "steel" is misspelled in line 3, unless you're trying to create symmetry with her name and what she loves to do. If you are, then the "steal" on the fourth line from the bottom should be misspelled as well.

Also, consider perhaps breaking up the poem into separate stanzas to make it a little easier to read and keep track of line numbers. Not a big thing, but it can make a difference to how the poem is perceived at first sight. That being said, your storytelling style is wonderful, light and bouncy, and it is slightly old-fashioned, what with the mention of "shops" instead of "stores" and the object that she stole being a "wind up toy rocket" instead of a modern toy or even a piece of technology. And your rhymes are also never strained; instead, they're natural and add rhythm and punch to the story. I especially loved the lines that began with

The footsteps behind her formed a lump in her throat

but I do think that you should separate it into stanzas, especially since those last lines have a very different tone as well as containing the moral.

All in all, great job!

I loved this! It is really funny!

The only mistake I spotted was, "And next to the counter, guess what found?"

"She" should be inserted after "what"

This was really good! I loved it and it had a great rhythm to it!

Keep up the good work,

Dr

I really like this and the ending is pretty unexpected but thats what I like. I don't feel like you could improve anything on this here poem. It has everything a surprise at the end, the right wording, and, and this is what I really love, the right rhymes.

Pretty funny, and a good choice of words. Nice rhythm, and lots of rhyming. Good job, keep working!

After reading Charlie the Cheat I had to check out your other poems with morals and I'm so glad I did. You definitely did not disappoint. Again, your rhyming scheme and the flow of your poetry is very consistent. I didn't pick up on any nit-picks because I was too engrossed.

I thought I'd made a mistake when I read the reviews first because I thought I had spoilt the ending for myself but when I finally read it, it was still completely shocking and not what I was expecting. Your poems should seriously be published for all children to read, they'd definitely think twice about doing wrong!

Wow, this was great!! I agree with amiemalamie that your work should totally be published! I liked the twist at the end, and how the story did not get dull or long.

Wow this was great, really it was. I loved the way you write your poems with morals so smooth and interesting, sometimes you read a rythmin poem and you can get kind of bored but this piece and a lot of you others is just lovely. Yeah I know this is not even a review but... I couldn't find anything that I thought needed changed. Keep up the writing! You're doing great, thank you for posting!
Peace,
Snickerdooly