Hey, Mother.

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Hey Mother, wake up!
Yes, open your eyes.
Stare up at me.
I have a story to share.


I was at school today,
As you are aware,
And I met someone,
While I was there.


No,
Mother,
don’t look at me like that!
It’s not a bad thing,
But rather exciting.
Oh,
Yes,
I will elaborate,
For then what would be the point of awakening you?


I was content on the swings,
Enjoying lunch freedom,
When a boy my age,
Approached me.
He wasn’t happy at all,
As he mumbled a “hello”,
And if I could capture his emotion,
I would describe it as ‘lost’.


I said to him, Mother,
I said “how are you going?”
I said it like an adult,
The way parents do.


He looked at me sadly, and shook his head,
And told me he was thirsty, parched indeed.
I said “I have water, in my bottle in my bag,
Do you want me to get it?” in which he replied “no”.
He sighed very softly, and stared into my eyes,
And told me his thirst couldn’t settle with it.


I thought it very strange mother,
I thought it indeed,
For who’d ever heard
Of H2O not appeasing?


I said it was a shame but the teachers could help,
And his eyes grew wide as I advised it.
He whispered, “No, no! The teachers mustn’t know!
For if they discover my secret I must go!”


As this point, Mother, I became very curious,
For you know better than I do my love for secrets,
And I leant in close, and breathed in his ear,
“If I promise not to tell, would you tell me?”


He chewed on his lip, mulling it over,
And then he smiled a pretty smile, genuine too.
He said… oh Mother, I just remembered!
I couldn’t tell anyone, I swore on it!
I know it’s stupid, you’ve said it many times now,
But I might get in trouble if I spoke it!


In truth, dear Mother, this story was a “why”,
To explain why that boy is behind me now.
“Don’t be afraid, Jack, it’s okay to come out,
Mother already knows that you’re here in the house”.
Jack’s looking a bit pale, and his cheeks are quite hollow,
But he tells me he’ll be fine in an hour or so.
You see Mother, Jack told me, he needed to acquaint
Himself with yourself in order to be right.


Mother, don’t scream, it’s quite alright,
What Jack’s doing now will help him feel well.
Mother, stop struggling!
He’s got everything under control,
You’ll feel a bit of pain but he soon will be done.


Show him you’re neck, that’s the way,
And Jack, please be gentle, she’s very fragile.


Hey, watch yourself! She’s going very limp,
Catch her, why don’t you, she’ll fall to the floor!


Jack please, help her! She’s bleeding to death!
You said she’d be fine, not in a mess!
Blood’s spilling on the carpet, it’s getting everywhere,
And I think you’re really hurting her!


STOP!


Mother, are you ok? Talk to me,
Look at me, say anything!
Jack’s too busy laughing over there,
And he doesn’t realise your problem!


Mother, quick, wake up!
Jack’s coming over,
And he’s got that look in his eyes that say “game over”.
-If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you!
-"Careful with that light at the end of the tunnel, it might be another train coming."

This awesome post bought to you by me. :)




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Points 1626
Reviews 745
Wow! It's been quite a while since I've actually read a vampire narrative poem on YWS! Haha, but despite the topic, you did this pretty well, Maddy. Of course, there's always room for improvement! Just let me give you a few very quick pointers, and I'll be on my way!

1. Flow.

I put flow first because it's kind of a big deal for me! Flow is how your poem breathes, how it moves and feels on the tongue. You hit this stride in your text that makes the whole piece sound very casual and relaxed, but then suddenly use exclamation points out the wazoo! It was like a beautiful singer hiccuping in the middle of a Live TV Broadcast! Now, flow is more than just punctuation--it involves your word choice and line breaks and line length and all that jazz. And you have to be careful if you want your poetry to be beautiful.

2. Narration.

You did your narration very well, and I have to give that to you. Granted, this piece is far from winning a Noble Prize in literature, but it succeeds in being cute and scary at the same time, which is what I think you were aiming for. Your progression is nice, but again, like I said before, once you hit those exclamation points, things get a tad bit frisky. Try to calm things down a bit. While I understand that the situation's getting pretty insane, I think that, with your talent, you can pull it off without the exclamations! (woops, I did it myself...)

3. Ending.

I just love your ending. xD It stops so abruptly that it's nearly comic, and yet it's still so dark! Keep it (if you want, of course).

Anyway, I enjoyed this little piece, and you need to keep writing. :) Let me know if you have any questions or comments.

-Lumester
I am a forest fire and an ocean, and I will burn you just as much
as I will drown everything you have inside.
-Shinji Moon


I am the property of Rydia, please return me to her ship.




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Gender None specified
Points 1245
Reviews 142
I thought it was a vampire poem. It was actually made feel queezy. And the descriptions were so good I feel like I am going to throw up. No lie, really, I just might.



You are not the voice in your mind, but the one who is aware of it.
— Eckhart Tolle