Monster in the Night

The humans surrounding me every day,
Tempt me in such a terrible way,
Because of that blood that pumps through their veins,
Powering their hearts, their minds, and brains
What a delight it would be to drain their blood,
A delicious meal under the starry black night

My fangs slide out and my eyes turn black,
Ready to feat on a midnight snack.
My heart is fixed on this little girl,
Dark, dark hair, that's shaped with curls

Her eyes widen when I grab her,
And her body goes slack,
Often a characteristic of my midnight snacks.
She wimpers as my fangs pierce her skin,
Possibly wondering, What was my sin? (Note: I meant this line because the girl is a Catholic, I have nothing against Catholics, it was just for the purpose of rhyming)
Her delicious thick blood pours down her chest,
Turning red, her white, frilly dress

As I sip and swallow, my sick version of wine,
I begin to feel - OH so divine

The poor girl is dry now,
But I don't shed a tear,
And as I turn to leave,
I hear a low growling,
Right next to my ear
And I know at that moment,
That the lone wolf is here

We wrestle and fight,
Right there in the streets,
And I soon walk away grinning,
With a feeling of relief.
I had won, and I'll keep it at that,
For I must go and find...

My next midnight snack

I like it a lot. Love the details. That is all I have to say, as I'm still in shock from reading that, and watching this really weird video.

I liked it. You painted a lot of pictures in my head with that.

Gosh, read something OTHER than that dumb Twilight book! Anyone can tell that you're one of those Twilight-obsessed people. That series isn't even good. And YES I read it. Try Cirque Du Freak. It's a REALLY good book. It's by Darren Shan he's my fave author..... Getting back on track, You should try another topic because this one isn't working very well. That's only my opinion, but I don't like fan-fiction stuff and copies. I think I irrationally think automatically that the person who wrote the copy is a copier who can't come up with their own topics and stuff. Something to do with intellect or something. Nothing personal. I'm really sorry. Don't give up though! Like I said, try another topic! : )

Hey, Kima, here to review your piece.

I'll start by saying I couldn't read this easily. Why? a) your timing and rhythm was completely off in some places which distracted me as a reader, and b) it didn't always paint a great sense of imagery.

First off, I'll go through the poem and change any little areas where the words interupt with the rhythm and clarity (I also fixed up punctuation errors):

The humans surrounding me every day,
Tempt me in such a terrible way,
Because of that red blood that courses pumps through their veins,
Powering their hearts, their minds, and brains,
What a delight it would be to drain their blood,
A delicious meal under the already-set sunstarry black night.

My fangs slide out and my eyes turn black,
Ready to feast on a midnight snack.
My heart is set fixed on this little girl,
Dark, dark hair, that's shaped in curls,

Her eyes widen when I grab her,
[bb]Then[/b] her body goes slack,
Often a characteristic of my midnight snacks.
She wimpers as my fangs pierce her skin,
Possibly wondering, What was my sin?
Her delicious thick blood pours down her chest,
Turning red her white, frilly dress.

As I sip and swallow my sick version of wine,
I begin to feel- oh so divine.

The poor girl is dry now,
No more blood here, May I suggest instead of this line, say "I don't shed a tear?
But as I turn to leave,
I feel something like a spear. <- err... explaination here? This makes no sense. You'll need more description for clarity)

And I know at that moment,
That the lone wolf is here,
We wrestle and fight,
Right there in the streets,

And I soon walk away grinning,
With a feeling of relief.
I had won,
and I'll keep it at that,
For I must go and find...
My next midnight snack

There we go.
-Maddy

P.S You title isn't original. Maybe you should think of something else?

you know, writingfromtheheart, just because somebody likes vampires and thinks they're cool doesnt mean they are obssesed with the twilight books. i really really hate those books and i don't appreciate the generlization.