Wishes

Every shooting star i've seen
Since the moment you came into my life
I wished upon and dreamed so long
That you could somehow be mine.

When she came in and broke you apart
And shattered your dream-filled world
I wished that somehow you would see
The pain she really caused.

When all that i wanted crushed my heart
Left me crying in the rain
I wished for a love that wouldn't break me
But i fell to the floor in defeat

When i felt numb, emotionless
And when tears overtook my eyes
I wished for someone who would be my reason
To stop and give up the fight

When you came and kissed my lips
And promised you'd stay forever
I wished that all your words were true
That you'd wipe away the scars

When she came in and stole your heart
Ripped it from my hands
I wished that she would give it back
And i prayed you didn't want her

When he came back and messed things up
My eyes weren't clearly seeing
And in despite of all i had
I wished that he'd be mine

Tonight there was no shooting star
Nothing to live or die for
But as i looked into your eyes
For possibly the trillionth time

I promised myself no matter what
-Whatever happens next
I'll always make that one same wish
And wish you'll stay here with me.

Okay... I gotta a lot to say to you, yeah I gotta lot to say. I noticed your poem was absolutely brilliant( I saw you're a Paramore fan too(Your signature)). I couldn't keep from reviewing it. Really nice!! The broken hearts poem make me sad but still I love them. The feeling are so deep and I could have simply gotten lost in them... I really liked it A LOT!!!
Keep writing:)
Harshita...

Every shooting star i've seen Good opening
Since the moment you came into my life remove the moment, it'd flow better
I wished upon and dreamed so long
That you could somehow be mine.

When she came in and broke you apart
And shattered your dream-filled world
I wished that somehow you would see
The pain she really caused. I would change this sentence to something that progresses the character more

When all that i wanted crushed my heart that doesn't fit with the boy hurting? im confused here
Left me crying in the rain
I wished for a love that wouldn't break me
But i fell to the floor in defeat the rhythm is lost here

When i felt numb, emotionless good
And when tears overtook my eyes cliche, nothing wrong with that although i would make it more original to fit your words
I wished for someone who would be my reason i would find a better flow. certain words don't fit well
To stop and give up the fight

When you came and kissed my lips Better!
And promised you'd stay forever
I wished that all your words were true
That you'd wipe away the scars how about, you would be my star. Something to get back to the start. Scars are important to get rid of in a new relationship, and i see your reason for putting it in, but there's no flow to it. I would revise if you want to use scars.

When she came in and stole your heart
Ripped it from my hands
I wished that she would give it back
And i prayed you didn't want her poetry doesn't have to rhyme or anything, (free-verse is my favorite) but if you're going to do that, it needs vivid description and I only have a vague picture of the 2 supporting characters

When he came back and messed things up i don't like "messed things up" it resonates yeah, but no vividness or anything. I would say, "twisted my heart'' or "dropped us into a whirl of confusion" something like that to make it more vivid.
My eyes weren't clearly seeing
And in despite of all i had
I wished that he'd be mine i like the last 3 lines here, very good.

Tonight there was no shooting star there we go, you tied in the beginning
Nothing to live or die for i'd take out "or die"
But as i looked into your eyes
For possibly the trillionth time best stanza yet

I promised myself no matter what-
Whatever happens next
I'll always make that one same wish
And wish you'll stay here with me. good stanza but the last line is not a home run hitter. I would revise this. How about, "And wish you were still here with me." or "That my turn would be next." or "the next man would be the best." or "that you would leave that bitch." or something that hits home. The one you have is like anticlimactic and too predictable.


I loved your poem. The changes, in my opinion, will make it Top-Notch (could) but overall good job. You have a good piece here.

Don't change anything. Ever <3

Thanks everybody!
I'm glad its not horrible - i wrote it as a spur of the moment thing late last night but i'm glad it turned out okay!
I might revise it... we'll see.
Harshita - Yessss - Paramore(:

I'm happy you liked it, Love - it's for you, you know. <3

-PurpleHeart

Hi there

This is really good. It's very wistful and sweet love poem.

But I do think that there are a few clichés in here which is a easy mistake to make.

For example

"broke you apart" could be phrased differently as well as "crushed my heart"
Beside that this is very good.

such a beautiful poem. BRAVO!