To bad summers over

Hi. If you read this I automaticly love you. If you comment I love you even more.

Questo è dedicato a M. Spero che il mio ricordo di te ti rende giustizia. Grazie per tutto quello che mi ha insegnato M, anche se non era intenzionale. Ti amo

Thanks

Morgz




The constant beeping in the background was totally killing the mood. Matt’s face was slowly slipping in and out of focus and the heat from his hand resting on my shoulder was fading further and further away. The beeping sounded again, louder this time. Groaning I shot my hand out from under the warmth of my comforter and swatted in the direction of the annoying electronic before my iPod could join in the wake Allie up ritual.



“Allie. Get. Up!” mums voice called from the floor below.

I ignored her

“Jesus-H-Christ is I have to tell you one more time I swear to god child you’ll be grounded for a month”



I opened my eyes to a fuzzy image of the posters that were blu-tacked to the wall in front of me acting as a make shift wallpaper. Groaning I closed my eyes on Hollywood’s pin-up boys and muttered “Five more minutes” before snuggling further down into the mess of pillows and blankets, trying again to conjure the memory of Matt standing bare chested in front me, surf board tucked up under one arm grinning



“Allie for god sake its half past seven! Get. Up”



Her mother groaned in frustration, yanking on the duvet, exposing me to the cold July air.



Releasing the pillow I had been curled around I sat up and stretched, my Elmo tank top riding up over my stomach, exposing the faint scar that I had gotten in a car accident.



Sighing I clawed around the bottom of her bed for my dressing gown before trudging of towards the en suite to shower, stopping briefly to give mum a good bye hug





The phone started ringing as I got out of the shower so I hastily dried myself off and wrapped my hair in the towel before racing to snatch my cell from on top of the pile of books on my desk.



“Hello” I said, cradling the phone between my ear and shoulder whilst trying to right the towel that was slowly slipping off my body



“Al’s hey its me” came my best friend Casey’s voice “you nearly ready to go? I’m like five mins from your house”



“Hey, yeah I’ll be ready”



“Ok then well I’m driving so I’ll see ya in five, K?”



“Yup, see you in five”


I snapped her phone shut and tossed it onto my bed, hurriedly trying to decide on what to wear. Finally I settled on a black tank top under a dark blue checked shirt that I left open, with grey skinny jeans.



Casey’s horn sounded just as I was stuffing the rest of my bagel into my mouth. I chewed quickly, trying not to choke or spit jam all down my front. Case tooted again so I hopped over to the front door and held up my hand, indicating to her that I’d be there in five, I caught her nod just before I slammed the door shut again. I raced up to the bathroom and sped through brushing my teeth and hair, thank god I had decided to pack my bag last night I thought. Yanking my jacket off the back of my door I sped down the stairs, taking them two at a time, stopping only once I got to the kitchen to snath my keys from there home on the hook.



Case was lounging on the front bumper of her dads old BMW that he handed down to her as a sixteenth birthday present



“All ready Al’s” she asked, looking me over to see if I’d forgotten anything like my shoes or bag, believe it or not I’m a very forgetful person. On more than one occasion I’ve managed to walk out the door not wearing shoes or still in my pyjama top.



“Yup lets go” I said reaching for the passenger door



“You sure you got everything?"



I nodded but patted down my pockets just in case, checking for my phone, iPod and house keys.



“Yup got it all” I said ‘lets get going, I so don’t want a detention on the first day back”.



She turned to grin at me before pulling out of my drive way and heading in the direction of our high school.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ok I don't know if I like this chapter, honestly I'm not used to writing fictional stuff like stories or anything for the most part I've only written essays and speaches, which I hate delivering = ]



Anyway if you could comment and give me some advice, critisism or whatever that would be great since I'm going to use this as for one of my English assignments this year and I really really need to get all my credits for NCEA 1.

First is first, attitude. If you are planning to write a good story, then you have to be confident. If not, you will only end up crumpling it up(in this case deleting it.) AND if YOU do not like, no love this first chapter, then your not going to have a strong story. The first chapter is what helps the reader decide if they are really going to read this.

Personally, I like this. I think it needs more of a flow, though.

morganleebaker wrote:Hi. If you read this I automaticly love you. If you comment I love you even more.

Questo è dedicato a M. Spero che il mio ricordo di te ti rende giustizia. Grazie per tutto quello che mi ha insegnato M, anche se non era intenzionale. Ti amo

Thanks

Morgz




The constant beeping in the background was totally killing the mood. Matt’s face was slowly slipping in and out of focus and the heat from his hand resting on my shoulder was fading further and further away. The beeping sounded again, louder this time. Groaning comma I shot my hand out from under the warmth of my comforter and swatted in the direction of the annoying electronic noise before my iPod could join in the wake Allie up ritual. This last sentence confused me, but after re-reading it a second time I got it. I think it would be clearer if you put those words in italics (I changed them, so you could see.)



“Allie. Get. Up!” mums voice called from the floor below.

I ignored her Period.

“Jesus-H-Christ if I have to tell you one more time comma I swear to god child comma you’ll be grounded for a month Period.”



I opened my eyes to a fuzzy image of the posters that were blu-tacked to the wall in front of me comma acting as a make shift wallpaper. Groaning comma I closed my eyes on Hollywood’s pin-up boys and muttered comma “Five more minutes comma” before snuggling further down into the mess of pillows and blankets, trying again to conjure the memory of Matt standing bare chested in front me, surf board tucked up under one arm comma grinning



“Allie for god sake its half past seven! Get. Up Period.”



My mother groaned in frustration, yanking on the duvet, exposing me to the cold July air.



Releasing the pillow I had been curled around comma I sat up and stretched Period. My Elmo tank top was riding up over my stomach, exposing the faint scar that I had gotten in a car accident.



Sighing comma I clawed around the bottom of her bed for my dressing gown before trudging of towards the en suite to shower, stopping briefly to give mum a good bye hug Period. Did you mean her bed, or my bed?





The phone started ringing as I got out of the shower so I hastily dried myself off and wrapped my hair in the towel before racing to snatch my cell from the top of the pile of books on my desk.



“Hello comma” I said, cradling the phone between my ear and shoulder whilst trying to right the towel that was slowly slipping off my body



“Al’s hey its me comma” came my best friend Casey’s voice Period. “You nearly ready to go? I’m like five minutes away from your house Period.”



“Hey, yeah I’ll be ready Period.”



“Ok then comma well I’m driving so I’ll see ya in five, K?”



“Yup, see you in fivePeriod.” No space here. I snapped my phone shut and tossed it onto my bed, hurriedly trying to decide on what to wear. Finally comma I settled on a black tank top under a dark blue checked shirt that I left open, with grey skinny jeans.



Casey’s horn sounded just as I was stuffing the rest of my bagel into my mouth. I chewed quickly, trying not to choke or spit jam all down my front. Case tooted again so I hopped over to the front door and held up my hand, indicating to her that I’d be there in five Period. Five minutes is a long time... Wouldn't be more like a minute or two? I caught her nod just before I slammed the door shut again. I raced up to the bathroom and sped through brushing my teeth and hair Period. Thank god I had decided to pack my bag last night commaI thought. Yanking my jacket off the back of my door comma I sped down the stairs, taking them two at a time and stopping only once I got to the kitchen to snatch my keys from there home on the hook.



Case was lounging on the front bumper of her dads old BMW that he handed down to her as a sixteenth birthday present Period.



“All ready Al’s?” she asked, looking me over to see if I’d forgotten anything like my shoes or bag Period. Believe it or not comma I’m a very forgetful person. On more than one occasion comma I’ve managed to walk out the door not wearing shoes or still in my pajama top.



“Yup comma lets go comma” I said comma reaching for the passenger door period.



“You sure you got everything?" You don't need a space here either. I nodded but patted down my pockets just in case, checking for my phone, iPod and house keys.



“Yup got it all comma” I said period. "Lets get going, I so don’t want a detention on the first day back”. No space. She turned to grin at me before pulling out of my driveway and heading in the direction of our high school.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ok I don't know if I like this chapter, honestly I'm not used to writing fictional stuff like stories or anything for the most part I've only written essays and speaches, which I hate delivering = ]



Anyway if you could comment and give me some advice, critisism or whatever that would be great since I'm going to use this as for one of my English assignments this year and I really really need to get all my credits for NCEA 1.

From the first chapter, I can't really tell you anything plot wise. There's nothing really. No characterization, no introduction on the characters and/or conflict(s), not even some information on the setting. The intro is supposed to contain those elements... That said, I think it was good, but you should definitely add some information on the things I've mentioned. You also seem to have a little problem with punctuation. Sometimes you make great use of it, and your sentences are really structured, and sometimes you omit to put a period or a comma. Watch out for that, because you can loose a lot of points for that. A trick that works is to read the chapters out loud. It really helps to catch the majority of the punctuation mistakes and the typos you've made.

I'm looking forward to reading the next chapter. Keep writing!

-Other One

I really enjoyed being able to view the potential you have for character writing. Although there were many minor flaws to this little excerpt or chapter to this story you've begun, I see a lot of similarities in style with a favorite author of mine, Becca Fitzpatrick. The flow and delivery of your writing could seem a little smoother. And watch out for punctuation! It can always be a little tedious reading something that has not been proofread. Nice job though. Keep up the good work! Grow on the idea a little more, I'd enjoy reading what else you got!

Sorry to be a nuissance but I noticed in the beginning you used the word "groan" alot.....

"Groaning I shot my hand out from under the warmth of my comforter"
"Groaning I closed my eyes on Hollywood’s pin-up boys"
"Her mother groaned in frustration"

..maybe the MC's morning are full of groans...I don't know. But you could use synonyms such as moan/moaned/moaning or sough/soughed. Again, goodluck!!! I will be glad to read more!!

Sorry to be a nuissance but I noticed in the beginning you used the word "groan" alot.....

"Groaning I shot my hand out from under the warmth of my comforter"
"Groaning I closed my eyes on Hollywood’s pin-up boys"
"Her mother groaned in frustration"

..maybe the MC's morning are full of groans...I don't know. But you could use synonyms such as moan/moaned/moaning or sough/soughed. Again, goodluck!!! I will be glad to read more!!

Well, first of all, the title should be spelled this way: Too bad summer's over. Next, I'll make some corrections on the text:

The constant beeping in the background was totally killing the mood. Matt’s face was slowly slipping in and out of focus and the heat from his hand resting on my shoulder was fading further and further away. The beep sounded again, louder this time. Groaning, I shot my hand out from under the warmth of my comforter and swatted in the direction of the annoying electronic before my iPod could join in the wake Allie up ritual.

“Allie. Get. Up!” mum's voice called from the floor below.

I ignored her.

“Jesus-H-Christ, if I have to tell you one more time, I swear to god, child, you’ll be grounded for a month!”



I opened my eyes to a fuzzy image of the posters that were blu-tacked to the wall in front of me acting as a make shift wallpaper. Groaning, I closed my eyes on Hollywood’s pin-up boys and muttered. “Five more minutes” before snuggling further down into the mess of pillows and blankets, trying again to conjure the memory of Matt standing bare chested in front me, surf board tucked up under one arm grinning.


“Allie, for god's sake, it's half past seven! Get up!” (why the get. up thing?)

Her mother groaned in frustration, yanking on the duvet, exposing me to the cold July air.

Releasing the pillow I had been curled around I sat up and stretched, my Elmo tank top riding up over my stomach, exposing the faint scar that I had gotten in a car accident.

Sighing, I clawed around the bottom of her bed for my dressing gown before trudging of towards the en suite to shower, stopping briefly to give mum a good bye hug.

The phone started ringing as I got out of the shower, so I hastily dried myself off and wrapped my hair in the towel before racing to snatch my cell from on top of the pile of books on my desk.

“Hello” I said, cradling the phone between my ear and shoulder whilst trying to right the towel that was slowly slipping off my body.

“Al’s, hey, it's me,” came my best friend Casey’s voice, “you nearly ready to go? I’m like five mins from your house.”

“Hey, yeah I’ll be ready/”

“Ok then, well I’m driving so I’ll see ya in five minutes, ok?” (using text messaging words isn't really what I'd recommend to you when writing stories.)

“Yup, see you in fiveminutes !”

I snapped her phone shut and tossed it onto my bed, hurriedly trying to decide on what to wear. Finally, I settled on a black tank top under a dark blue checked shirt that I left open, with grey skinny jeans.

Casey’s horn sounded just as I was stuffing the rest of my bagel into my mouth. I chewed quickly, trying not to choke or spit jam all down my front. Case tooted again so I hopped over to the front door and held up my hand, indicating to her that I’d be there in five, I caught her nod just before I slammed the door shut again. I raced up to the bathroom and sped through brushing my teeth and hair, thank god I had decided to pack my bag last night I thought. Yanking my jacket off the back of my door I sped down the stairs, taking them two at a time, stopping only once I got to the kitchen to snath my keys from there home on the hook.

Case was lounging on the front bumper of her dads old BMW that he handed down to her as a sixteenth birthday present.

“All ready Al’s?” she asked, looking me over to see if I’d forgotten anything like my shoes or bag. Believe it or not, I’m a very forgetful person. On more than one occasion I’ve managed to walk out the door not wearing shoes or still in my pyjama top.

“Yup let's go!” I said reaching for the passenger door.

“You sure you got everything?"

I nodded but patted down my pockets just in case, checking for my phone, iPod and house keys.

“Yup got it all,” I said, ‘let's get going, I so don’t want a detention on the first day back."

She turned to grin at me before pulling out of my drive way and heading in the direction of our high school.

Good start, but it all seemed to me like a thing that you've written in your school break. You need to work harder, especially on building up dialogue betwween your characters.

I wish you best of luck!

Hey!

The other reviewers already pointed out the main factors that I had problems with - such as the punctuation - so my review isn't going to be that constructive.

I did notice a couple of things that no-one else caught -

gown before trudging of towards the en suite to shower

'of' should be 'off'

She turned to grin at me before pulling out of my drive way and heading in the direction of our high school.

Hang on. How can she pull out of the driveway, when a couple of sentences earlier, she was standing beside the bumper? You don't mention Casey getting into the car at all. She just seems to jump from outside to inside the car without us knowing.




I did struggle to get into this story. The main reason being that there didn't seem to be much else going on besides the MC rushing to get ready for the first day back at school. I understand that this is only the first chapter, but I would still have liked to have found out more about the plot or even just about the MC.

You mention she has a scar from a car crash. Even something as small as describing a brief memory from the crash or having her wince at the mention of the crash, would help to make the character a little more 3D. The same with the dream about Matt. Have her explain a little about who he is. You don't need to give us a massive info-dump style paragraph, listing everything about him. But maybe you could add in a thought that your MC has? Something like - 'I wish I was with Matt right now' before her mum's voice pulls her back to reality and she has to drag herself from her bed.

After reading the synopsis that you've written about your novel, I think you have a good idea for a plot. I'd just like to see a little more background on your character here. At the moment, she's a little flat. Give her life

I hope this review is helpful!

xDudettex

I'm just speaking for myself, but explaining the whole "wake up, get ready and leave" process is quite boring...
I mean, most first chapters are boring, since they're introducing the characters and all, but there are better ways of doing so.
I like the story nonetheless, so no worries! ^.^