Patience chapter 1

Hey Sarah, Sporks here as requested!:) I'll point out anything as I go along.

Walking to technology seemed longer today, was it because I was thinking of him? His liquid purple and blue eyes, his shaggy fair hair, just thinking of him gave me this longing feeling. Before him, I thought I would never belong. What is the point of this? I don't see the reason this is here, you don't need it and it doesn't really add anything. It just sounds kind of like the same style as Twilight.

Boarding school was horrible, though in some ways it’s good, if you have parents that drink your body weight a week. This Boarding school reminded me of my home back in England. The random tense change from past to present is off. Pick one and stick with it. The dusty old books{no comma}[b][/b]that looked like they have never been opened. The walls looked like it make the subject and pronoun agree. "it" needs to be "they." was growing mould; the wallpaper had a flower print on it that which was faded. The floor was covered in what can only be described as chalk. I hadn’t realised I was day dreaming until I heard Miss Halggart's shrill and high voice “Hailey! Get out of my classroom!” Her spit drowning my book as she spoke. You shouldn't describe it this way, with description, dialogue, then description again. Dialogue then description is always better, or description then dialogue. I packed up my books and pushed past her, but tripping over my own feet and falling full force to the ground, the wooden floor making it all the more painful. I stood up and briskly walked away hoping that I hadn’t make too much of a fool of myself. I don't think you adequately described the fall, especially since it seems to have bothered your MC.I limped down the corridor to the principals offices. When I turned the corner to the office I saw him, Ryan Grein, probably the nicest looking guy in St Anita’s, I liked him though, so did almost everyone in our school, but I was far from his type he had dark brown hair and green eyes he was tall and strong. This is a run on. I had light long brown hair; I was slim, I hadn’t filled out as expected. I had brown eyes. As I walked to the chairs were he was sitting, he gave me a nod, the seats outside the office were in a line against the dusty wooden paneled wall as I approached the chairs the bell rings for next class, he was in my next class, but he walked past me as if I were invisible, I’m surprised he just doesn’t just try walk through me. I turned round to go to next class hoping I would catch up and he walked with me, but I didn’t get to him in time. I walked down the poorly lighted corridors alone. I hated this school! Everyone here seemed so dam happy, like there life was perfect, well compared to mine it must be. Holy emotion switch, Batman. This is highly unrealistic; also, your MC seems kind of annoying now.

Okay, I'm not going to correct anymore grammar issues. You keep repeating the same mistakes, so it would get redundant for you to read.

So, for some overall points. Your MC is kind of flat, as are the other characters. They feel very 2-D and without personalities. The dialogue is really rough and forced. I find what helps me is to picture how people really speak, without the "likes" and "ums," and go from there. The plot seems pretty good, but the description can be expanded. I think you have a good start but there needs to be some editing done. Good luck! I'll get to chapter 2 tomorrow, but I'm kind going to sleep now.

Keep on trucking!
Sporks

A review, as requested. Its already been pretty thoroughly reviewed, so I'm just going to do the generals.

First, be VERY careful of run-on sentences. You have a lot of them, and they make it hard to focus on what's going on. If you read through, stopping only where you have commas/periods, you should be able to notice them relatively easily. Also, be careful for grammar things. Keep tenses the same (don't go from "I was running" to "I ran" and if you do use "-ing" make sure you have a form of be with it), watch for spelling mistakes, etc.

Next, show, show, SHOW! Its what my creative writing teacher always said, and its the most useful thing I've ever been told when writing. Description is 100x more effective if you show me what things look like instead of saying, "Well, he looks like this and has these color eyes."

I found a few other little things, but really I think the previous reviewers caught them first. I think this could be good, just watch for those grammar things! Good luck with it.

Walking to Technology seemed longer today, period was it because I was thinking of him? His liquid purple and blue eyes, his shaggy fair hair, just thinking of him gave me this longing feeling. Before him, I thought I would never belong.
Chapter 1
Get a life
Boarding school was horrible, though in some ways it’s good, if you have parents that drink your body weight a week This is confusing. Does this mean her parents were alcoholics? At least that‘s what I get out of it. . This Boarding school reminded me of my home back in England. The dusty old books, that looked like they have never been opened. The walls looked like it was growing mould; mold the wallpaper had a flower print on it that which was faded. The floor was covered in what can only be described as chalk. I hadn’t realized I was day dreaming until I heard Miss Halggarts shrill and high voice “Hailey! Get out of my classroom!” Her spit drowning my book as she spoke. I packed up my books and pushed past her, but tripping over my own feet and falling full force to the ground, the wooden floor making it all the more painful. I’m wondering why she was yelled at- you give us no explanation. I stood up and briskly walked away hoping that I hadn’t make made too much of a fool of myself. I limped down the corridor to the principals offices. When I turned the corner to the office I saw him, Ryan Grein, probably the nicest looking guy in St Anita’s, I liked him though, so did almost everyone in our school, but I was far from his type he had dark brown hair and green eyes he was tall and strong. Holy smokes this is a long sentence. Read it aloud. Can you do all this in one breath? Find a natural pause and break it up. I had light long brown hair; I was slim, I hadn’t filled out as expected. I had brown eyes. Could you make your description a bit more intriguing? Instead of simply listing your features, find a more creative way. Was your character disappointed about not ‘filling out’? Was she a little bit self-conscience, or pretty uncaring about her own appearance. Her thoughts should be evident here. As I walked to the chairs were he was sitting, he gave me a nod be more specific. Was it a bored kind of nod? Or was it friendly? It will help us figure out what he thinks of your character. , the seats outside the office were in a line against the dusty wooden panelled paneled wall as I approached the chairs the bell rings for next class, he was in my next class, but he walked past me as if I were invisible, I’m surprised he just doesn’t just try walk through me. I turned round to go to next class hoping I would catch up and he walked with me, but I didn’t get to him in time. I walked down the poorly lighted corridors alone. I hated this school! Everyone here seemed so dam happy, like there life was perfect, well compared to mine it must be.
As I walked into class I got a couple of laughs, probably laughing at me falling over. I felt the blood rush to my cheeks but I just walked to my desk beside Nick, he was my best friend probably my only friend, but I loved him, like a brother. He looked strange today; I just ignored him and kept my head down this is rude considering he‘s supposed to be your friend. The top of my desk was scratched and written on. I luv JB, I groan into my self.
“Aren’t you going to ask me what’s wrong?” I couldn’t be bothered today but I said
“Of course what’s wrong Nick?”
Even though I wasn’t going to listen, my mind was else were today. But he got my attention when he said Ryan, my head always snapped up at the sound of his name,
“…needs to get his work done and stop coping mine,” he seemed really annoyed.
“Just let him copy,” and I wish I never said it because he didn’t talk to me for the rest of the class and when I tried to talk to him he would swear and do his work. I thought that was completely uncalled for. Your main character is really unlikable up to this point.
I felt relived when the final bell of the day rung, rang Nick had his books away and was out of the class room in a what seemed like a second. Almost leaving a Nick shaped cloud behind, like in the cartoons.As I walked out of the class I saw Nick, quiet and weak Nick, throw a punch at Ryan straight at his eye, I had never seen Nick like that as his dark brown hair fell across his face and the way he held himself his blue eyes filled with anger, it scared me. Ryan was lying on the ground, soaking in all the attention he was receiving. The teacher came rushing out, while all of the girls ran to Ryan, he seemed to enjoy it, I ran over to Nick and he turned away
“Nick? What the hell?”
“Hailey, go away, just go away.” He seemed angry,
I felt sick,
“What? I don’t understand.” My heart ached was this really happening? Was I dreaming?
“Go away! Leave me alone!”
The teacher pulled him away; I had never seen him like this, not once.
I spent the rest of the day in the hospital ward as well as a lot of other girls in our class; it was quite apart from a few girls asking if Ryan needed anything. The ward was dimly light, there were six rows of beds each row had five beds, it was a depressing place. Nick was taken out of school until after Christmas; I don’t know what I’m going to do for three months on my own. But my mind kept wandering of Nick and on to Ryan, I felt sorry for him he didn’t seem to notice me and he had every other girl in the class, so I left them to it, This all goes by EXTREMEMLY fast! Why the rush? Slow it down, it’s the details in a story that bring it to life.
As I was walking to my dormitory I noticed how old are school actually was, the corridor was lined with huge pictures of gothic priest, Father Michael, Father John, Father Kieran. All the way from the principal’s office to my dorm.
My dorm was a miserable place to be the walls were cream with old brown curtains, my walls were covered in pictures but Angelia’s side had posters of herself, and some celebrities. Angelia was my roommate but also the only girl in St Anita’s that makes me want to throw up, I mean come on pull your skirt down, I came up to my dorm room to find someone sitting on my bed surely it wasn’t Angelia, she was probably down with Ryan, Angela was tall, thin and had black shinny hair and nicely tanned skin, in all fairness she was plain gorgeous. Another run-on sentence. You have to get in the habit of making each sentence clean and focused. Your punctuation is very confusing and distracting. Again, read your story aloud to find where the natural pauses are. But this person was tall with light hair; my heart skipped a beat as I realised who it was
“Nick! What are you doing here?”
“Hello to you to though I was expecting a hug.”
“Of course,”
I ran to hug him and then I remembered Ryan and I slapped him. Shock flooded his face and he grabbed me and hugged me, we always hugged but this felt weird, awkward. Then he let me go, he was crying, he made me cry, my heart always gave out to his face. He sat down on my bed, There was millions of bad things I wanted to scream at him, questions I wanted to ask him like What are you doing in my room? Or what the hell I thought you weren’t aloud back? Slapping him felt extremely crude. Obviously he’s been through a lot recently, and your character seems completely oblivious to that. Also, it’s very strange for a guy to break down crying in front of one of his friends, more so in front of a girl.
“W…w…what are you doing here?”
“I got kicked out of my house apparently I am too irresponsible,”
I hated Nicks mum she abused him no wonder his dad left her, only then did I notice the cut on the side of his face, it ran from his jaw to his eye.
“Nick did she do that to you?”
“Do what?” Nick asked looking at me from the side of his eye.
“That cut on your face.” I screeched at him.
“Yeh but it’s nothing.” He flinched as I tried to reach up and touch it.
“It’s nothing?” I repeated my voice coming out two octaves higher than I wanted.
“Hailey, leave it, please.” He started crying again I had to hug him but he seemed, angry
“What’s wrong?” Apart from the fact that his mum is an absolute bitch, now he has no where to go. This is a pretty stupid question. Obviously he’s been dealing with the fact that he got violent with Ryan, got kicked out of school, got beaten by his mother, and then kicked out of his house. “What’s wrong?” is one of the most insensitive and stupid things you can say.
“Nothing’s wrong.”
He never seemed so frustrated I wonder why.; I decided to change the subject,
“So what are you going to do now?”
It worked.
“Well if I go home it means getting hit again I guess just camp out.”
He said in a pained voice.
“Where? How? Who with? You can’t what if something bad happens to you, please you can’t do this.” I stumbled over my sentences.
“I don’t know now but I’m not going back to her.” He held his head low.
“You won’t be aloud back here then.” I knew I was becoming annoying but I didn’t care. Losing my best friend isn’t what I need right now, I don’t care if I was being selfish.
He shrugged
“I don’t care.”
“So you are just going to leave me, just like that?” I moaned, my head was pounding and all I wanted to do was go to bed. All she wanted to do was go to bed? Her best and only friend is sitting here, clearly needing her help. He’s in such a raw emotional state that he’s crying to her, and all she can think about is how tired she is at the moment. How selfish. I stared into Nicks blue eyes hoping to find an answer to all this, usually Nick had all the answers.
“I will come back for you I promise.” He gave me a look saying, I won’t I’m just saying that to shut you up. Yeah well I’d be pissed at her too.
“How am I supposed to believe you?” I half screamed at him. I like how Hailey calls his mum a bitch for abusing him, but then she slaps him and screams at him just the same. I feel really bad for Nick, he deserves better.
“You’re just going to have to.” He muttered
“I can’t, please come back.” I wasn’t going to start crying not now; it would just make him feel bad.
“I will I promise,”
He muttered guiltily. I stood there with my mouth hanging half open.
He made his way through the window stopping to say,
“Here take this and don’t read it unless it’s important.” He took something out of his back pack.
“What is it?” I reached out to grab it.
“A journal, don’t let my mum find it please.”
“I won’t I promise,” and with that he left. I couldn’t believe this mite be the last time I would see him. I started to cry hoping that sleep would come but it didn’t I lay awake all night, just looking out the window, trying to remember everything about Nick. His smell of sweet apple on a spring day and pine from a Christmas tree with a bit of grit, I missed him already. I couldn’t bare think what would happen to him out there. Where would he go? Did he have friends I didn’t know about? Pain coursing through me, it wasn’t physical pain it was emotional. This was all happening far to fast for me to comprehend exactly what was going on.
* * *
The next day was lonely without Nick; it was going to be like this for at least three more months, Ms Harmon, Nick’s mum called me out of class to get Nick’s things from his dorm.
As I stepped into Nick’s room I saw the painting I gave him when we started boarding school it hurt thinking what was going to happen to him next, I had images of him getting sick out there with only the clothes he had on yesterday. Thought of losing my best friend stuck in the back of my mind, it scared me. When Ms Harmon left, she had taken everything out of his room apart from the picture I gave him and his journal, I had to get out of his room quickly because it hurt so much.
On the way back to class I looked in to see if Ryan was still in the ward, part of me hated him, but when I spotted him on his own I had to go to him. I walked to his bed the ward had five beds in a row. I sat on the end of his bed hoping he would wake up and talk.
“Wake up”
I whispered into his ear, but the nurse came in and said he was heavily sedated,
“For what exactly?”
“He had been kicked in the rib cage, breaking several ribs and almost puncturing his left lung.”
How long was I in the class room? How much had I actually missed? I actually became scared of Nick, he never done something like that.
I left the ward annoyed that my plan to get Ryan to like me, failed. I ran to my next class tears almost coming out, I lost my best friend, the guy I liked doesn’t like me back and I was on my own for three months. My class was at least five minutes away, if I walked, As I ran round the next corner, I saw a girl that I had never seen around the school before, I couldn’t stop myself in time I ran right into to her knocking us both of our feet, this wasn’t the first time I’ve found myself lying face down on the floor.
“Are you okay I’m so sorry I didn’t mean to hit you?”
“I’m okay.”
She was laughing hysterically this is a bit creepy, actually. She was strange but I liked her.
“Are you new?” I asked confused
“Yes I’m Ella what’s your name?” She said happily
“Hailey, Where are you from?”
“That’s my business and no one else’s.”
“Oh sorry I ...I didn’t know”
I stuttered. She was laughing
“I’m only joking I was born and raised here In Ireland for fourteen years.” She stretched out her hand, I grabbed for her out stretched hand catching a glimpse of her watch,
I realised I was late for religion and Angelia was sure to make up some sort of lie, that girl has it in for me. “Sorry but I really have to go”
“Oh right, but before you go do you know where Brother John’s room is I have him for religion?”
“That’s what I have now I’ll show you, coming?”
We arrived at Religion; Brother John wasn’t too pleased with us arriving a half an hour late.
“Nice of you to join us today Miss O’Ryan.” He pointed me to my seat, I stared at the empty seat beside me, a hollow feeling filled my chest. Nick. Ella was placed in Nick’s seat. At least I was sitting beside someone I actually like.
We went through the day she had every single class together, Art, history, religion and maths. She was surely here to replace Nick, which made me want to cry, the thought of Nick never coming back to me. Though Ella was a really good friend she was just a tiny bit smaller than me with brown hair and green eyes, that you couldn’t stop looking at. Her skin wasn’t perfect but her face had its own special look. But she would always be the person that replaced Nick’s life with her own.

Alright, to be honest this isn’t a bad storyline, but your main character is intolerable to me. I can’t stand how she only thinks about herself. It’s obvious to me that Nick needs some serious hugging right now, and if I was her I’d be skipping classes to make sure he was OK. It seems like the least I could do. Instead, your character complains about the drab cream colored walls and goes on about how tired she feels when Nick’s trying to tell her something important. I honestly can’t relate to her, and it makes me a little angry to see what her reactions are to delicate situations like this.

Also, there are many mistakes with spelling and punctuation that could easily be fixed by proofreading. I’m afraid this feels like a very rough draft, and I think this needs much work before you move on to the next part of this novel.


Good luck,
~black sheep