Last edited by MUCHO on Sun Jun 05, 2011 6:11 pm, edited 3 times in total.
"This is our decision, to live fast and die young... Yeah it's overwhelming, but what else can we do? Get jobs in offices and wake up for the morning commute?
The models will have children, we'll get a divorce, find some more models; everything must run its course!
Excellent! I love the idea behind this, and the ominous note it ends with. I noticed a few errors (I queased as she snapped the creature[']s neck) but you could easily find them yourself. I think you used 'with which' far too often, and I believe that the part of the story where the MC 'sleeps' was superfluous. Also, your use of dashes was confusing to me. Try putting a space before them: "I slept in meditation for a time -seasons and years passed." or you could replace them with semi-colons. It was a great read! Jenth
Here are some nitpicks I noticed when reading this story:
Missing apostrophe there:
I queased as she snapped the creatures neck,
I think you mean 'disappeared':
Soon she disapeared...
'Nowhere' is one word, not two:
... there is no where else to go but down...
I found this story interesting and I admire the way you expressed your idea through the eagle and its prey. But it was quite confusing when I read it and I had to read it over a few times before I actually understood it, mainly because of the hyphens. You need to space them out so it's easier to understand because right now it looks as if the words are connected like:
suspended-frozen
Also, I noticed that most words were a bit... well, wordy and unnecessary. Try simplifying words down a bit, otherwise it becomes a bit tedious.
Keep writing!
Thien
"I dream my paintings, then I paint my dreams" - Van Gogh
