Imprisonment

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Points 955
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Barren. Mile upon castrated mile divulged the arid, infertile land. It was an area of deprivation, a purgatory for the foolish or wretched who stumbled upon my realm. A terrain cheated out of nature’s relief as long as my own tragic existence. Rain refrained from satisfying the parched, cracked tufts of earth. Not sound, not smell, not even movement ever flourished across the void. None, that is, except for the blustery winds of rage hurling themselves against the tower in which I dwelled.

I resisted the urge to throw myself out to the desolate nothingness. Mortality, the ideal I craved for, would only be delayed by such a senseless act. Ardor to call myself a human being coursed through my body. My hand reached out, unbidden, to caress the miniscule artifact belonging to the world of mankind. The only problem was, I couldn’t. My fists balled up and nostrils flared in utter fury as the invisible barrier between the tip of my fingers and the relic thwarted my attempts to make a breakthrough to humanity.

Rectangular in shape, 3 inches long and 4 inches wide, it was indeed an intriguing object. Four wheels molded of tough leather supported the main body. Two seats were carved out delicately on the inside. The left one had a sort of extra wheel facing it. Both were enclosed by two doors, one on each side, adorned with symbols sporting a crystal blue flame lying on a bloodied shield and a sword. A simple, green flag jutted out at the back of the gadget, underneath which were imprinted the letters, “J.E.E.P.” It was the only object in my possession reminiscent of people of earth. As far as I could remember, the “Jeep”, as I had come to call it, had always been there, lying at the bottom of a shelving unit next to a countless number of scrolls for my perusal.

Resentment bubbled as I swore, inwardly cursing my complete inability to grasp the artifact. I yearned to screech in frustration, to let the entire community know how I felt. Seeing as I would only be hurting myself in an outright display of venomous anger, I opted for the alternative and attempted to regain control of myself.

Numerous giggling voices belying happiness reverberated all round my room. I whirled around, and almost simultaneously, the door burst open. A tall, very handsome specimen stood in the doorway. He had long hair pooling in curves down his muscular, sinewy back. In the dim light of the tower room, it acquired the color of obsidian, flawlessly matching the deep black of his eyes. His nose was small and finely sculpted. His lips resembled a strung bow, drawn back in a flashy smile. His twirled tail snapped from side to side in excitement and pleasure. Undoubtedly the result of the two devilish courtesans constantly running their fingers up and down his young, nubile body.

Both voluptuous blondes stood there, gawping in surprise at my appearance. “Who, who i-i-is th-that?” one of them stuttered, but I cut her off.

Pulling myself together, I said, “Hello brother.” The smirk that had replaced the broad grin upon acknowledging me disappeared instantly. “Why don’t you do away with those two and we’ll…have a little chat.” The conniving little scoundrels were holding on to every word whilst making themselves at home with my sibling’s body, but he pushed them away with an "apple of my eye" apiece, and slammed the door shut.

Well, that should give them something to gossip about,” I stated calmly.

His lip was curled in contempt and his eyes revealed the hatred he harbored for me. I do not regret admitting that the feeling is mutually reciprocal. “What in hell were you thinking?!” he snarled. “Do you want to turn yourself in? Do you want the entire army up here, you complete fool! They’ll make mincemeat out of you in minutes!”

Why, I merely assumed that by bringing them up here, you wanted us to get acquainted. I appreciate your concern regarding my security, but really, there’s no need to fret over such trivial matters. I’m sure your friends will understand about your little secret. And if they don't…I trust you will take care of them?” I stopped to let this sink in, then resumed, “Besides, I’d be more worried about how YOU are supposed to be in the courtroom in five minutes. Imagine how dissatisfied with you mother will be when she finds out you were up here dressed for frivolity?" "Perhaps you’d like a glimpse at the clothes in MY wardrobe?” I proposed.

His tail swished nervously as he wrapped his mind around the awkwardness of the situation. He took a step towards me, then, thinking the better of it, retreated and unlocked the door. “I’ll be back,” he uttered, slamming the door shut. And I was alone once again.
Last edited by Palip on Mon Feb 28, 2011 2:19 pm, edited 3 times in total.




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Heya, I'm Life and I'll be going over a few points with you today.

I liked this. I like your writing style very much; you use a more educated language and it didn't feel forced at all. Kudos for that. The story in itself was intriguing, one had to keep reading to find out who your narrator is and why does he want to be human and so on. Then you get to the end and you find yourself only asking yourself (woah, many 'you's) more questions, so I'm guessing there'll be more of this? The way you start this suggests that it might actually be a pretty long project.

Good as it was, I do have some criticism. First off, when you're describing the jeep. I suggest you use more abstract descriptions; right now, it's just not doing it for me. That being said, nitpick time... (Things I'd change in red, things I like in green and things where I was just confused or something was wlightly wrong in blue.)

Not sound, not smell, not even movement ever flourished across the void.

Here I'd emphasise the movement with the word "even".

None, that is, except for the blustery

Comma after is.

A tall, very handsome specimen stood in the doorway. He had long hair pooling in curves down his muscular, sinewy back. In the dim light of the tower room, it acquired the color of obsidian, flawlessly matching the deep black of his eyes. His nose was small and finely sculpted. His lips resembled a strung bow, drawn back in a flashy smile.

Really well worded. *applauds*

And if they’re not…I

Wrong form; it doesn't connect to the last sentence.

And I was alone once again.

Nice ending. ^^

All in all, great piece if you will continue it, but then again if not, it's lacking quite a bit.

Your's truly,
|Life|
Call me crazy; I prefer 'enjoys life while one can'.
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The pen's mightier than the sword - especially when it's wielded by a flipmothering dragon.
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Hey Palip, I thought I'd review something of yours since you've been reviewing mine!

Okay, so first off I'm really hoping that this is part one of a story that you're planning on continuing, because you've certainly got quite a cliffhanger and I'm curious to know what happens next! Your vocabulary and descriptions are wonderful; it's refreshing to read something like this, put together so nicely.

Just wondering -- why do you put all of the dialogue in italics? Is this to indicate the fact that those who are speaking aren't necessarily human? I know you mentioned that the MC isn't human, and the brother doesn't sound like it because of his tail, and I don't know what the blondes are supposed to be.

That's really the only thing I have to say; the rest of this is too good to critique! Please let me know if/when you post more. :) Keep up the great work!
There are two kinds of folks who sit around thinking about how to kill people:
psychopaths and mystery writers.

I'm the kind that pays better.
~Rick Castle



Colorless green ideas sleep furiously.
— Noam Chomsky