(Unfinished)

Wind raised the long curls off the nape of my neck. Leaves danced over my black combat boots. Dark grey clouds billowed over-head. Fog made it impossible to see anything at a distance. Mysterious Man was only an outline. Every step he took thunder pounded. It was like one of those cheesy horror movies. The only difference was I am not, nor have I ever been stupid. Since my sister's tragic murder, I have carried a pure gold dagger in my left shoe. My grandfather had taught me the art of knife throwing.


I had just witnessed my best friend, Jelika Hamelton, being hacked to death in the local grocery store parking lot, where I was supposed to be picking her up from work. I didn't know who her demonic killer had been, but I was about to be face to face with Mysterious Man. Rage and adrenaline hit my blood stream. I was not about to let Jelika's killer get away easily. He grew closer and closer. I noticed, not only that he had an axe, but he also carried my golden dagger. He paused as if for dramatic effect. Mysterious Man's face was right in front of my own. He still had his hood up; so his features were in the shadow. Lightning struck, and I caught a glimps of his features.


No, I still can not believe who I saw. His electric blue eyes gave him away.

Since this is short, I'll try and be really thorough. Red = minor spelling/grammar correction. If that's not what you wanted, sorry!

Wind raised the long curls off the nape of my neck. Leaves danced over my black combat boots. Dark grey clouds billowed over-head. Fog made it impossible to see anything at a distance. Mysterious Man was only an outline. Every step he took thunder pounded. It was like one of those cheesy horror movies. The only difference was I am not, nor have I ever been stupid. Since my sister's tragic murder, I have carried a pure gold dagger in my left shoe. My grandfather had taught me the art of knife throwing. On top of that I was the fastest person in Witner County (or at least that is what my track plaque says).

I'd mix up the sentence structure a bit. It reads too choppy. Maybe throw in some complex sentences. For example, "Wind raised the long curls off the nape of my neck while leave dances over my combat boots." or even instead of saying "black combat boots" show the reader they are black. "The golds and browns of the fallen leaves danced over my boots, only small pools of ink showing occasionally."

I also fail to see the relevance of saying her dagger is pure gold. It really seems like fluff and adds nothing to the paragraph. If you want to get the color across (though also not relevant) show the reader. Also, I don't like the part about her being the fastest. It seems tacked on, and really doesn't add much. If she is such a great knife thrower, why the need to run? I don't know, my logic anyway.

I had just witnessed my best friend, Jelika Hamelton, being hacked to death in the local grocery store parking lot, where I was supposed to be picking her up from work. I didn't know who her demonic killer had been, but I was about to be face to face with Mysterious Man. Rage and adrenaline hit my blood stream. I was not about to let Jelika's killer get away easily. He grew closer and closer. I noticed, not only that he had an axe, but he also carried my golden dagger. He paused as if for dramatic effect. Mysterious Man's face was right in front of my own. He still had his hood up; so his features were in the shadow. Lightning struck, and I caught a glimpse of his features.

Is Jelika her sister as well? I'm mildly confused, as you mention her sister's murder, then this one. If you mean just moments ago she watched as her friend was murdered, I'd be even more confused. In the first paragraph, you make her out to be some sort of great knife-throwing girl with a lot of speed. Why would she just stand and watch as her friend was murdered?

Also, how did he get the dagger if it is constantly in her boot? It could have fallen I suppose, but that seems like something you'd notice if it was a constant presence. As an example, I have a ring I wear constantly. The minute its off my finger, I am completely aware it is gone.

No, I still can not believe who I saw. His bright, electric blue eyes gave him away.

It may just be me, but when I think electric, I think bright. Therefore, saying "bright, electric" is redundant to me. I'd pick one or the other and go with it.

Sorry if I was harsher than you wanted, just want to be helpful! I think this could form into something extremely interesting, and the last line definitely makes you wonder.

Hello there!

This was intriguing...

Tayler already summed up what I was going to say though.

I did have an issue with the flow of this paragraph:

No, I still can not believe who I saw. His electric blue eyes gave him away.

It switches from present to past tense. Best thing to do is just stick to past, but in this case you might need to switch things up a bit. Also, the "no" with a comma makes it much less powerful of a statement:

No. Even now I still can not believe who I had seen. His electric blue eyes gave him away.

Also, there was something about this that bothered me:

Wind raised the long curls off the nape of my neck. Leaves danced over my black combat boots. Dark grey clouds billowed over-head. Fog made it impossible to see anything at a distance. Mysterious Man was only an outline.

Every sentence starts with a noun, it's as though you are stating off facts of the environment around the MC. Instead, add a "the" in there somewhere to disrupt the repetitive and listing nature of the nouns.

Best of luck, this was really interesting and I'm excited to see where it goes.
-Once

Thanks for the comments!