My Messed Up Family

Chapter One Part One


Everyone has that messed up part of your family. Whether it be your moms side or your dads side or even your grandparents. Well my messed up part is with my mom and dad. Ya, I sure lucked out on that one didn’t I? Anyway, my mom got pregnant with me when she was eighteen; it just so happens he also got a lady named Kaelyn Ingalls. I guess my mom was just a onetime thing because he decided to deny that I was his and married Kaelyn. They had a baby boy named Dylan. My dad is now a multimillionaire because of his invention of some kind of stupid pillow, apparently little kids ate it up. He now not only sends my mom child support but he sends me checks of a few hundred each month. I donate a lot of it and put it in my college fund. He owes my mom, not me. He called to apologize to her a few years ago, on my thirteenth birthday, to say that he was wrong to deny me and that he wants to be part of my life, my mom and I both denied. He lives in Rolling Hills, California the third most expensive place to live. Where do I live? In New York City. My mom is a homicide detective; NYC has a high crime rate so we are here. It kinda sucks knowing my dad is out there and didn’t want anything to do with me until I was 13. I am now 16 and he hasn’t called since.

My mom’s parents stopped talking to her when she got pregnant so from day one it has been me and Elina, she wanted me to call her by her first name. It’s been hard that we live a one paycheck life and that one paycheck isn’t even that much, but I got a job from the minute I was at legal age to be allowed to get one. I now and manager of the market down the road, within walking distance. The owner, Nick Martin, is like my dad. Honestly, I have been trying to hook him and my mom up since like forever but she doesn’t trust guys. Ever since my dad she hasn’t had a boyfriend or even a good guy friend.

Last week however was the worst week of my life. I came home from school and was about to head to work when the home phone rang, I went to get it thinking it would just be my mom telling me she was staying late. I wish that was the case. It was the NYPD calling me to tell me that my mom was in a shooting and she was named dead at the site. She had been working on the case for a while now and I remember her saying she was so close to finding the guy. Well, the guy found her and killed her. He shoot her ten times and stabbed her twice. Fortunately, my mom had called for backup as she was lying on the ground and gave the name of the guy with her last dying breath. They caught him, two days later. My mom never got to see it. The last thing she saw was that moron’s face and his gun and knife.

The funeral was Monday and it is now Wednesday, her lawyer called me and said he would like to discuss her will. I just assumed he would tell me she left everything to me and that I was in care of my Aunt Kristen. That was not the case. She did leave everything to me but she didn’t leave me in the care of Aunt Kristen, no she left me in the care of my Dad! He told me that he had contacted my dad and that he was flying out to stay with me for the week and then help me pack up and leave. They were asking me to leave my only home I have ever known. Right after my own mother died!

Oh my gosh, i would so read this! It's not something i'd usually pick but i loved it!
I like the bit where you mentioned that she introduced her manager to her mum, but she declined, it causally describes how much the mother has been hurt by guys.
It's not perfect, obviously, but it's really good!
This might not actually be a problem but, it doesnt have much on what the charactor looks like or her personality. You might be thinking about describing it later, but penny for your thoughts! You also didnt mention her name, but once again, there may have been a reason for that.
Please carry on with this story! I'd so read it!

Hello! Here I am for a review
First, this looks really good so far, let's get onto corrections, shall we?

hockeyfan87 wrote:Chapter One Part One


Everyone has that messed up part of your family, comma not period whether it be your mom's side or your dad's side, comma or even your grandparents'. All of these are possessive, so you need the apostrophies Well, comma my messed up part is with my mom and dad. Ya, I sure lucked out on that one, comma didn’t I? Anyway, my mom got pregnant with me when she was eighteen; it just so happened heWho? also had a lady named Kaelyn Ingalls. I guess my mom was just a onetime thing, comma because he decided to deny that I was his, comma and married Kaelyn and they had a baby boy named Dylan. My dad is now a multimillionaire, comma because of his invention of some kind of stupid pillow, apparently little kids ate it up. He now not only sends my mom child support, comma but he sends me checks of a few hundreds each month. I donate a lot of it and the rest goes into my college funds. He owes my mom, not me. He called to apologize to her a few years ago, on my thirteenth birthday, to say that he had been wrong to deny me and that he wanted to be part of my life, but my mom and I both denied. He lives in Rolling Hills, California the third most expensive place to live. Where do I live? In New York City. My mom is a homicide detective; NYC has a high crime rate so we are here. It kinda sucks, comma knowing my dad is out there and didn’t want anything to do with me until I was 13. I am now 16 and he hasn’t called since.

My mom’s parents stopped talking to her when she got pregnant, comma so from day one, comma it has been me and Elina —She wanted me to call her by her first name. It has been hard, comma living with one paycheck life, comma and that one paycheck isn’t even that much, but I got a job from the minute I could was at legal age to be allowed to get one Employment legal age is not something you should refer too, since it changes a lot depending on where in the world you are situated... it could be between 10 and 20. Even more, a kid aged of 14 could work, let's say in Ontario, Canada, if he is employed outside the school hours and on moderated hours, of course. He could do a minor job at the grocery store, working for a family member or for a close family friend. But, a young teenager who is not technically legal, could not work in some big chain store, such as Wall-Mart or work in a chain restaurant or big places like that.. I now and manager of the market Uh what? That should be clarified down the road, within walking distance. The owner, Nick Martin, is like my dad. Honestly, I have been trying to hook him and my mom up, comma since like forever but she doesn’t trust guys, comma not period ever since my dad, comma sheand hasn’t had a boyfriend or even a good guy friend.

Last week, comma however, comma was the worst week of my life. I came home from school and was about to head to work, comma when the home phone rang. period I went to get it, comma thinking it would just be my mom telling me she was staying late. I wish that had been the case. It was the NYPD calling, comma to tell me that my mom was in a shooting and she was named dead at the site. She had been working on the case for a while now, comma and I remembered her saying she was so close to finding the guy. Well, the guy found her and killed her first. He shot her ten times, comma and stabbed her twice. Fortunately, my mom had called for backup as she was lying on the ground and gave the name of the guy with her last dying breath. They caught him, two days later. My mom never got to see it. The last thing she saw was that moron’s face and his gun and knife.

The funeral was Monday and it is now Wednesday, her lawyer called me and said he would like to discuss her will. I just assumed he would tell me she left everything to me and that I was in care of my Aunt Kristen. That was not the case. She did leave everything to me but she didn’t leave me in the care of Aunt Kristen, no, comma she left me in the care of my dad! He told me that he had contacted my dad, comma and that he was flying out to stay with me for the week and then help me pack up and leave. They were asking me to leave the only home I had ever known, comma not period right after my own mother's death!

Alright, first I want to know if you are narrating your story in past tense or present tense. It could go either way, really, since in that chapter you are refferring to the past, in past tense of course, and refferring to the present life in present tense. If you'll stay with past tense, then those slip-up present tenses need to be corrected to stay in past, always, but if you want it to be in present, then just be sure to stay in present while talking about the present, and in past when talking about the past. Don't mix them up.

Second comment is about the style so far. One thing I want to point out is that 'show, not tell' is very important. In this chapter, there's not a lot going on... there's only narration, pretty much info-dumping on the background of the story. I know it's very important, to situate where you are going, what it'll look like for the readers, a bit on the characters and all, to interest the readers, but doing it with narration isn't the best thing. Developping characters and the story through dialogue, actions and such is far more interresting to read. In example, by making this chapter the segment when she comes home from a hard shift at work, to a call from the police and leaving out the whole introduction on the family dinamics, and simply introduce her feelings towards her father without going into details, would shock us very much and make us want to find out what had happened with all of that situation. And on top of that add the suspence as to what will happen once she is with her dad. See how it changes the whole way we might see it? It's just a question as to when to give away information. An introduction doesn't mean we need to be introduced to all of the characters and their life stories, we could find out a bit more about them as we go, learn about situations they had been in as they think of them or as they live similar situations.
I know it might be hard to do... it took me a while to understand and apply this to my writing, and it will take me even more time to use it well and to master it, but it's something that can improve a style of writing to it's full potential.
One of my tricks for this is to go into the characters mind, be her, see what she sees, touch what she touches, taste what she tastes, hear what she hears, smell what she smells, think what she thinks, and feel the emotions she feels. When writing in the 1st POV, you should be writing as you were doing the action, in the place, with the characters. Write what you would be thinking. Would you be thinking, while picking up the phone, for instance, about how your father abandoned you for his wife, when he was only a reckless young man? If not, then don't mention it, there will be plenty of times when you will have the possibility to mention it (let's say when she sees him for the first time and loaths him for his actions... then you could retell the actions, or what she has been told from her mom).

Now, overall, this looks pretty promising! The plot, I cannot comment on yet, but it looks like it's going in the right direction. Not very predictable, well I'm hoping you will go for the impredictable, with lots of questionning. Close to no mistakes, thank you for that The characters looks pretty interesting so far, too. The narration is great, I love that it's raw and edgy, I can feel the teenage hormones in the air! Haha. You're setting up for something interesting.
So keep on writing this!

And feel free to PM me with any comments or concerns on any of my comments above,

-Truth-

I loved this story. I think this was a good idea to began with. Its kindy sad how the girl mother died and the last thing she saw. I love sad stories and yours made my day. Good job ;D

This story is really good, and there are only a couple things that confused me.

Anyway, my mom got pregnant with me when she was eighteen; it just so happens he also got a lady named Kaelyn Ingalls. I guess my mom was just a onetime thing because he decided to deny that I was his and married Kaelyn. They had a baby boy named Dylan.

I don't really understand who you are talking about in these sentences. You should space them out to make them more clear. Overall, I really enjoyed your story and can't wait to read the rest of it.

Hi!!! the piece has been Written very nicely... My favorite part was when The narrator and his mother decline help from the dad...Because that's what he deserved!!! I really liked it very much The concept of his mother dying was unexpected but nice...hope you write more soon....