Visiting Modernity

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...

Your return was on a dark night,
when the fireflies of modernity
dotted the night
and it wasn't silent
because it was the night of today.

Your children were up
and blue and white flickers
scurried across their windows.

You passed by quietly
with your steps soft.
the streets were narrower you noticed
and the buildings straightened and shadowed
and the air was dirty and cheap.

The hair line of the earth had receded
and the underneath lay withering,
its ugliness fully exposed to the semi moon
which too seemed half hearted in its attempt.
or perhaps faded by the gray haze.

There were no stars,
but fireflies, measured in their height and distance,
refusing to move.
such precise fireflies you had never seen.

You noticed the silver bellied beasts that
purred smoke, gleaming sun rays out their eyes
as they sped by you, ruffling your hair.

You weren't sure whether to be awed or sickened,
for things has certainly changed;
you could tell by the blue and white flashes,
and the lack of idle eyes.

The trees too were different,
bare of branches and leaves,
naked and exposed,
straight and measured in their distance
like nature had never intended before.

The horizon held not mountains,
but buildings tall like arms
reaching toward the sky,
snatching away the stars.

Gray, you realized was your children’s colour.
they celebrated it, adorned their city and their lives
with this shimmering gray
pasted to their hands,
their roads,
spewing out of their homes,
chugging out of the beasts
they had befriended.

You decided not to speak
for white wax clung to their ears,
metal ran their blood,
and the blue and white flashes
stole their eyes till they
could see you no more.
I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that.
--Ellen DeGeneres




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I loved this. First of all it sounds a bit like some of the poems I've written, and it also sounds like a poem I love which is called "Coma." (I don't think you could find it online anywhere; it was written by a college student and published in Ohio Northern University's publication "Polaris." But anyways, your poem reminded me of that.) So I only have a few nitpicks to make:

You passed by quietly
with your steps soft.
the streets were narrower you noticed
and the buildings straightened and shadowed
and the air was dirty and cheap.
I feel like "steps soft" is awkward here - "soft steps" would sound better, although I realize you may have been using "steps soft" to sound more poetic. Don't! This poem is beautiful without doing things like that. Also, "The streets" should be capitalized, and there should be a comma after "narrower" and "noticed," and since you don't use "was" in the line about the buildings, I suggest also getting rid of it in the line about the air (but that's just preferential).

The hair line of the earth had receded
and the underneath lay withering,
its ugliness fully exposed to the semi moon
which too seemed half hearted in its attempt.
or perhaps faded by the gray haze.
"Hairline" is one word, "half-hearted" should be hyphenated, and I'd say a comma rather than a period after "attempt."

such precise fireflies you had never seen.
"Such" should be capitalized.

for things has certainly changed;
"Has" should be "had."

The horizon held not mountains,
but buildings tall like arms
reaching toward the sky,
snatching away the stars.
The poem overall is a free-verse, but this stanza starts sounding a little too rhythmic - I like it, but it clashes a bit with the rest of the poem.

Gray, you realized was your children’s colour.
they celebrated it, adorned their city and their lives
Comma after "realized," and "They" should be capitalized.

Overall, I think this was a great poem. It hit me much in the same way "Coma" did ("we let fireflies explode in our hair"; "you fired a thousand moments bejeweled with the after-breath of a coma" - aren't those great?) There are just a few typos and maybe some things you did in an attempt to be more poetic, which again, you definitely don't need to do, because you do a beautiful job without them.

~Blue




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You noticed the silver bellied beasts that
purred smoke, gleaming sun rays out their eyes
as they sped by you, ruffling your hair.


Let me just start off by, this is my favorite part. It's so beautiful! Honestly, this is just pure magic. I mean your poem is so descriptive and so breath taking really.

I know this entire critique has no point to it, but... Well done!

-Soggy
Life isn't like a box of chocolates. Life is more like a jar of Jalapenos, what you do today might burn your rear tomorrow!



Maybe I should say something quote-worthy, like, I dunno... "You can only be happy if you decide to be happy?"
— Necromancer14