The Place

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I'm not entirely sure if this is in the right place or not. So please forgive me if I've posted in the wrong sub-forum.


The place,
Special to me,
Is not a place seen with the eyes,
But with the heart.

I could describe this place for you,
But I can’t seem to find the words
Nor do I know where to start.
Do I start with the stream?

The stream that laughs
And gurgles with pure
Mountain water as it
Winds its way through

A hidden meadow?
Or do I start with the meadow itself?
The meadow that is hidden from prying eyes!
Greener grass you will never find.

Bright blue and white forget-me-nots
And pretty yellow daffodils hide low
In the grass. While colorful roses
And irises sway in the wind.

And the trees that surround
The meadow! So many there are!
Great towering oaks and
Hardy aspens act as sentinels.

Graceful weeping willows line
The bank of the stream and their branches trail through the water.
But that isn’t even what is the
Best part.

The mountains. It’s the mountains
That make this place special.
Not the meadow with the
Laughing stream and yellow daffodils.

Not the aspens that look like fire
During autumn, not the graceful
Weeping willows even. No. It is the
Mountains that mean so much to me.

The mountains that tower over
Everything else. The majestic,
Untouchable mountains. Why?
For they represent something I can never have.

This place,
That is special to me?
It cannot be seen with the eyes,
But must be seen with the heart.
Last edited by LisaMCooper on Tue Mar 01, 2011 9:58 am, edited 1 time in total.
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First, you made the text small which makes it hard to read.
The place,
Special to me,
Is not a place seen with the eyes,
But with the heart.

I suggest treating the poem like it is made up of a bunch of sentences, which it is. This means you need to have proper punctuation. The first word of every line does not have to be capitalized.

The mopuntains. It’s the mountains
It should be mountains.

No. It is the
Mountains that mean so much to me.
There should be a comma between "no" and "it".

The majestic,
Untouchable mountains. Why?
For they represent something I can never have.

Don't just tell us the last line, show us what it is!
Overall this was good. I like your imagery in this. I could sort-of see this place in my head. Good job. :)
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Taking out a few spelling and punctuation issues, the poem is quite good.
You captured the scenery quite well, but still, I believe more can be done.
You haven't really brought up emotions with this poem. You should revise it, and maybe change something so you can really express how much you love this place, in a manner that the reader can feel your feelings too.
Overall, a good poem. Good job.
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Hey there Lisa,

Don't worry too much about placement, most people get confused about too :P As long as you're in poetry, chances are, you're good.

Now, on to the poem itself. Not going to nitpick, though running your stuff through spellcheck before posting next time might be a good idea. Typos are distracting :P

First, you need to rework your beginning. The first stanza reads terribly cliché and bland (the whole "you can't see with the eyes" could really use some novelty, and repeating it at the end just feels like you're trying to bash our heads in about it), and your proceeding to contradict yourself immediately after you say "I could describe this place for you, / But I can’t seem to find the words" prevents me from taking you seriously at all. Obviously you can find the words, or there wouldn't be a poem at all, as all that comes next is a precise description of that place. Either explore that difficulty you supposedly feel in the describing, or don't mention it at all.

Second, your descriptions, while not being bad per se, do not really strike me in any way. Sounds like every other idealized pretty landscape you see/hear about, and there's little to no emotional attachment to them that would make it worth it. Make me care, otherwise where's the point?
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