Haven Chapter One

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I was a city girl, not a small town person. My mother decided we needed a break from the city after my father was labeled the Serial Lover by the police and FBI. My father, John Foreman, killed for my mother's love. In his twisted way, he thought that killing girls that looked like her would make my mother realize that he still loved her. I was astonished by this. Love made him go crazy.

My life was horrible after that. For the two weeks I stayed at my old school, people would look at me weird, call me names, and keep from talking to me. I didn't mind, though. It was just what happened. I was glad when my mother told me we were moving. I packed my stuff in two days and we moved a day after that.

My new house in a small town in North Carolina was beautiful. It was a pale blue with white windows and a white door. There was a white gate surrounding the front and backyard and there was a big willow tree to the side of the house, covering the little pond and white bench. It was like a picture out of a book. My room was on the second floor. It was a pale yellow room with white molding. It had a bay window with shelves underneath it. It was where I kept my books. My bed was a small twin bed placed up against the wall and had a pale blue comforter with yellow birds. The window above my mahogany desk showed the backyard.

I sat on the ground, a packing box next to me. I was still unloading even though we had been here for a few days. My mom had left to go shopping for the essentials we had left behind in the city. I had watched her car back out of the small driveway. The driveway only had enough room to hold one car. I had to park my volkswagen bug in the street.

The day was cold and windy. The sky overcast and the trees were whipping around. I got up and stretched. I had been like that for hours, unpacking and unwrapping a lot of my stuff. So far I had most of my books done, my diaries and journals placed in the side table, my lamps on the side table and the desk. My pens were in the pen holder. I looked around my room. It looked okay, a little bare but it was progress. I left to go down the stairs. Our kitchen was at the bottom of the stairs. It was white with steel appliances. The old owners had them put in so that the house would sell. The kitchen was small, just enough for a little bit of counter space and storage, and a table. The wood table was leaning against a wall with a window above it. You could look into the backyard as you ate. The backyard had a garden that Mom said she was going to keep. I looked into the cabinets for something to eat. We had nothing at all except for granola bars. I was in the mood for a good hamburger and fries.

I ran back upstairs and changed into jean pants and jacket. I grabbed my black purse and made sure that my phone, wallet, and IPod were there. I walked downstairs to the counter in the kitchen. Mom kept a notepad and pen there for when people called. I wrote down that I'd gone exploring and that I have my cell phone on me. I signed my name and left out the front door. I took my keys out of my purse and headed toward my car. The midnight blue colour was bright in the gloomy day. I unlocked my car and hopped in. It was a chilly day so I immediately turned on the heater. My windshield fogged up at the edges of the window. I saw through the fog and headed down the street. I turned on my radio and rocked out to Journey while I tried to find a spot to park. Betty's diner didn't have a whole lot of customers when I came in. I took a seat in the back and looked around until someone could take my order. It had a 50's theme to it. I grabbed a menu from behind the red jukebox at the end of the table. On the back panel it had a complete history of Betty's. I read that it was locally owned and that it was established in the early fifties.

"Hello, sweetie, what can I get you?" A lady with bright red hair asked me. I hadn't really looked at the menu but I knew what I wanted.

"I'll have the hamburger with fries please and a Coke. Please and thank you." I smiled warmly at the lady. She seemed really nice, but then again, looks can be deceiving.

"You must be new here, doll. I haven't seen your face at all." She smiled warmly at me. This must be a small town I thought, if everyone knows everyone.

"Uh yeah, I'm from the city. Just moved here a few days ago. I'm Haven. I live in the house on Poplar Place." I put out my hand for her to shake.

"I'm Rosy, Betty's sister. It's nice to see a fresh face. Sometimes you just get tired of the old ones." She laughed a deep rumbling laugh. "So you'll be going to go to school at Willow Creek High, I assume."

I nodded and added, "I don't know a soul yet, except you of course. You're the first person I've talked to since I got here. " I smiled warmly at her.

"Well, then, if you need any help finding anything, you just let me know, Miss Haven." She said. "I'll go put your order in." She winked and left.
"The secret to staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age." -Lucille Ball




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Welcome to YWS!

I am very impressed with this story. A lot of romance novelists like to go into the soppy stuff right away. Instead, we are given a clear picture of the character and her family, the setting, and her situation. You establish the basics very nicely, so now we have a foundation for the story to come.

Another thing that impressed me was your writing style. Romance novelists can be overly dramatic at times and that sense of theater can take away from the story. This was crisp and to the point, which made it very good to read. Even fun to read.

It seemed like you were having trouble describing a few things, so here are some notes.

There was a white gate surrounding the front and backyard...


You probably meant a white picket fence. The gate is the part that swings open.

It was a pale yellow room with white molding.


If the molding is at the ceiling, then it is called "crown molding." This is a very nice detail to include in your description of the house.

I had to park my volkswagen bug in the street.


We still don't know how old Haven is, a brief mention of how old she is might help.

I grabbed my black purse and made sure that my phone, wallet, and IPod were there.


The iPod has a small 'i' in front of it. Since that is the name of the product, it is okay to write it that way. Although the story might age better if you just referred to it as "music." But if you keep it it will be fine.

"I'm Rosy, Betty's sister. It's nice to see a fresh face. Sometimes you just get tired of the old ones."


Somewhere in here might be a good place to insert her gesturing towards some of the regulars, who take it with good humor. It would help give us give us an idea of the characters we'll find in this diner.

Overall, I am very happy I found this novel and look forward to the next installment.
Moderator Emeritus (frozen in carbonite.)




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I really liked this and can't wait to read more! There were no vivid errors I saw but I wasn't reading carefully I kinda forgot you were wanting to be edited I thought this was a legit real story <3
-Jenn
when you grow up you realize that Prince Charming is not as easy to find as you thought. You realize the bad guy is not wearing a black cape and he's not easy to spot; he's really funny, and he makes you laugh, and he has perfect hair and isnt wearing a black cape and easy to spot Lots of Love Jenn




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Hello, it's me again (i also reviewed your prologue).
Interesting piece! Not much really happened, but I like how you set the scene first to prepare the reader for the real drama that will inevitably happen a little later on in the story. I only have a few bits of criticism:
I was a city girl, not a small town person. My mother decided we needed a break from the city after my father was labeled the Serial Lover by the police and FBI. My father, John Foreman, killed for my mother's love. In his twisted way, he thought that killing girls that looked like her would make my mother realize that he still loved her. I was astonished by this. Love made him go crazy.

In this first paragraph it was like you were in sort of summing up everything that you'd explained in the prologue, which is fine with me, only it seemed like you were in a bit of a rush to do so. You don't have to give a huge, tedious explanation, but perhaps you could alter this paragraph a little so that it doesn't sound so hurried.
My life was horrible after that. For the two weeks I stayed at my old school, people would look at me weird, call me names, and keep from talking to me. I didn't mind, though. It was just what happened. I was glad when my mother told me we were moving. I packed my stuff in two days and we moved a day after that.

This part, however, did not sound rushed. It was snappy and to the point, and I didn't mind that.
Another thing I could critisize was that sometimes your sentences were very short. This was okay sometimes, when long description wasn't needed, but at other times I think that it breaks the flow of the story for the reader.
I ran back upstairs and changed into jean pants and jacket. I grabbed my black purse and made sure that my phone, wallet, and IPod were there. I walked downstairs to the counter in the kitchen. Mom kept a notepad and pen there for when people called. I wrote down that I'd gone exploring and that I have my cell phone on me. I signed my name and left out the front door. I took my keys out of my purse and headed toward my car. The midnight blue colour was bright in the gloomy day. I unlocked my car and hopped in. It was a chilly day so I immediately turned on the heater. My windshield fogged up at the edges of the window. I saw through the fog and headed down the street. I turned on my radio and rocked out to Journey while I tried to find a spot to park. Betty's diner didn't have a whole lot of customers when I came in. I took a seat in the back and looked around until someone could take my order. It had a 50's theme to it. I grabbed a menu from behind the red jukebox at the end of the table. On the back panel it had a complete history of Betty's. I read that it was locally owned and that it was established in the early fifties.

Most of this paragraph sounded as if you were describing what the character did step-by-step: She went upstairs. She changed into jeans. She grabbed her purse, etc. etc. You have great ideas but by rewriting the sentences a little and making them a bit longer they'll flow a little better.
This must be a small town remember to put a comma here!I thought, if everyone knows everyone.

I smiled warmly at the lady.

She smiled warmly at me.

I smiled warmly at her.

Avoid using the same phrase too many times. Here you used "smiled warmly" in three different sentences and it got a bit repetitive.
Overall, I hope that I didn't sound too harsh. Those were just a few pointers. I did like this piece and look forward to reading/reviewing the other parts of this novel. Good job :)




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I'm sorry, but I have to...

SHOW NOT TELL!!!!

Now, the other thing is that the way the chapter ends, it feels like the middle of one. Maybe try with 'she said as she sent my order to the cook. But all I really noticed was how friendly she was, and how much I hoped everyone else would be like her.' Or something to that matter.

I probably sound like I hated this. No! It was very good, I loved it! It's arguably one of my favorite novels here on YWS. Now... I apologize, but I really have limited time... I must go. As soon as I get back, I'm reading Haven Chapter 2!!!
"Fantasy is a way of looking through the wrong end of the telescope."

"The writer who breeds more words than he needs is making a chore for the reader who reads!"

~Dr.Seuss.



What's stopping you?
— David Mamet