Hi Foo and welcome to the site. I hope you enjoy it here!
I have found that poems for school can be the hardest because you have to be instantly inspired even if you don't feel any inspiration at all, but when I read this one I found that it was natural and it flowed well. The only problem is that you don't have the right amount of syllables. You said you did this order of syllables 2, 4, 6, 8, 2. That would be correct, but instead you have 2, 4, 6, 8, 1. You say 'ruined' in one breath. You don't say it 'ruin ed.' I hate to tell you this because it really flows well with everything, but because this is for your school I want to save you from a bad grade. I suggest looking through the thesaurus to find other words you could use. Also putting another word before or after would work.
