Paralyzing Shortcomings

As if someone needed to tell me
That I wasn't good enough.
As if someone needed to remind me
Of my own shortcomings.
As if someone needed to tell me
How big of a disappointment I am . . .
I am very, very aware.
In fact it haunts me,
every day in each thought.

With my head down
I walk the streets,
Pondering on the pretentious priests and prostitutes
That harbour hellish destitution to the human soul.
As if the priest is better than the prostitute.
Both treat people like subjects
And money in the collection basket.
A way to a means, i think it is termed,
but remember me, sir or madam.
For I do not run. I do not cower
Behind misdeeds of a false facade
With a fictional future
I appear to be waiting for.

More often than not,
Man must murmur to become a follower
Because basic intsincts instruct instructors
To teach the terrible truths that they
Have learned to love,
Likely while wondering
Whether they are actually facts
And not false convictions
Made by false prophets
Preaching pretentious properties
Of an earthly kind.

Nonetheless, nation after nation,
Falls in love with the woman
The world tells them to...
Whatever happened to self ordination, and self proclamation?
Most of the world,
Doesn't know what those terms mean,
They forget that self esteem is a beast
That can't be lived without.
Never the less let us press on!
Press on, uncorrupted,
In our prostitutionized society.

Socializing,
Because there is nothing else to do.
Humans are the only creatures
On earth that want excitement.
We can have means, shelter, and family,
But if we are stagnant
And sit and think
The world becomes an enemy
To our every single dream and aspiration.

Self esteem has been forgotten
(Nay! Left behind),
For social acceptance.
People wait and wait,
For others to give them,
Their own self-esteem;
Impossible.
However, those that are accepted
Have lived for naught!
"For every man dies, but not every man truly lives."

No one needs to remind me,
How big of a disappointment I am,
But who's gonna tell them?

Free verse is a lot of fun, and I found it very freeing after years of writing rhyming poetry. However, while there need be no rhyme or rhythm in free verse, there does need to be SOME structure, as well as poetic elements.

Now, you do have some poetic elements going on - I particularly like "pondering on the pretentious priests and prostitutes," that's great alliteration - but you have no structure. Of course you don't need a strict structure like you do in rhyming poetry, but it still has to LOOK like a poem, and this is your biggest problem. This has a lot of potential, but it looks (and therefore reads) like a poetic monologue rather than as a poem. You can break up the lines however you want (as long as it flows and isn't jarring for the reader), but let me give you an example, using your own poem:

with my head down I walk the streets, pondering on ["on" is not necessary] the pretentious priests and prostitutes that harbour ["harbor"] hellish destitution to the human soul. As if the priest is better than the prostitute. Both, [no comma] treat people like subjects and money in the collection basket. A way to a means, i [capitalize "I"] think it is termed, but remember me, sir or madam. For I do not run. I do not cower behind misdeeds with a false facade with a fictional future I appear to be waiting for.

Right now, this is a monologue. But if you do this to it, it's a free-verse poem:

with my head down
I walk the streets, pondering
the pretentious priests and prostitutes
that harbor hellish destitution
to the human soul. As if
the priest is better
than the prostitute.
Both treat people like subjects and money
in the collection basket. A way to a means,
I think it is termed,
but remember me, sir or madam.
For I do not run. I do not cower
behind misdeeds with a false facade
with a fictional future
I appear to be waiting for.

Like I said, this is just an example, you don't have to break up the lines this particular way. But you DO have to break up the lines in SOME way - free verse poetry isn't writing a paragraph using flowery language and labeling it "poetry."

So try breaking this up a bit and PM me when you do, I want to see how it turns out, because like I said, it has a lot of potential. Another suggestion I have is to get rid of this:

As if someone needed to tell me that I wasn't good enough. As if someone needed to remind me of my own shortcomings. As if someone needed to tell me how big of a disappointment I am . . .

I understand how it ties in, but it doesn't do so very nicely - it seems somewhat unconnected to the rest.

And although I do love your alliteration, I think you overdo it - it's great when you have it, you do it very well, but I feel like there's too much of it. It gets irritating after a while, which is a damn shame, because you just do it so well. Maybe change the wording on some of it so there's less of it. The instances I do love are:

pondering on the pretentious priests and prostitutes that harbour hellish destitution to the human soul.

More often than not, man must murmur to become a follower because basic intincts instruct instructors

Other than that I'd try to change them, because once I got past these I felt that the rest of the alliterations were milking it a bit.

But overall, good job, and like I said, please message me when you make the changes, because I'd love to see how it turns out!

~Blue

Much better! It reads so much nicer this way...

I think - okay, I think the first stanza ties in better now that you have the last stanza, but it still lacks the...shall we say...sparkle that the rest of this has. It's a good point, but the rest has such vivid imagery and unique diction that the first stanza is just kind of blah in comparison. Can you find another way to word it? At the same time, I must admit the contrast between the conversational and the poetic language is kind of nice, but still - well, here's the thing. The first stanza ties into the last stanza very nicely, and I feel that the penultimate stanza somehow leads nicely into the last stanza (by the way, you can definitely keep "for every man dies, but not every man truly lives," I think it works very well here), but...the first stanza still feels separate. It doesn't seem to lead into the next stanza. I think once you can unify the first stanza with the rest of the poem, this will be even better than it is now - although, like I said, adding the line breaks made a huge difference!

Again, I do feel that there's a little too much alliteration in this. If you can even just change one or two spots, I might notice it less - but also like I said before, you have such a way with alliteration. It almost never feels like you purposely dug around for words that stated with the same sound - it sounds very natural, except that there's so much of it.

But otherwise, the whole middle part of the poem is just great. You seem to send several messages through it with great use of language and (as some would say) "big words" (but not me, unfortunately, because I have an extensive vernacular ), and there's - not exactly imagery, but - I don't know. It's just really good.



Hope that helped again, let me know if you have any questions!

~Blue

A final review, I think!

I think a stanza break somewhere in that third stanza would be nice, because it's so long. Maybe after "in our prostitutionized society." The remaining stanzas would still be long but not that long. Also I'd get rid of "with all of the above" in the last stanza and just stick with "no one needs remind me that I struggle or how much of a disappointment I am" or whatever.

Then there are a few minor grammatical things, mostly an excess of commas, but that's it.

Great job!

~Blue

Awh I love that! It's so inspirational and speaks for its self I guess. I won't lie, when I read the title I though it was going to be a major cliche. But, good job! It was the opposite! Very neat. I really like your style, actually. Loved this, so good. Let me know if you ever need a review. =]