Short battle scene

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Arms crossed, the hulking silhouette sat on the roof overlooking a large alleyway. A lone figure stood encircled by eight masked men, showing no sign that they were even acknowledged.
Covered from head to toe in black, he stood almost completely still, hood drawn and waiting for the circle of assassins to make their move. Beneath his hood, a grin crept slowly across his lips. As one the assassins struck, daggers flashing. Compared to the man, the assassins seemed to move in slow motion. The faintly glowing blade licked out and opened a throat, then flashed sideways to parry a dagger aimed for his neck. Pivoting and twisting, lithe as an acrobat, he avoided every thrust and slash, some coming close enough to brush against his garb. Unruffled by coming so close to death, he launched himself into the midst of the assassins, all of which were still recovering from their overextended swings. He feinted to the left, then reversed and swept his blade in a wide arc that made the seven men leap back to avoid disembowelment. The swordsman faced the assassins and in the moonlight, his eyes glinted under his hood. Silent communication passed and the group advanced cautiously this time. Without warning, the swordsman leapt to attack, the glowing steel blade a blur as it took three lives in as many seconds. The first was brained as the sword’s point slid through his skull as easily as a hot knife through butter, mashing his brains. The second blocked as the thrust instantly translated into a side slash aimed for his neck but the force behind the blow broke through his guard and separated his head from his body. The slash turned into a diagonal blow and cleft the third assassin from shoulder to hip, spilling warm blood and guts to the floor. The blade swung around to deflect a dagger aimed at the ribs and flew up to parry a dual thrust to the head. Pirouetting on one foot, the swordsman dropped into a crouch and slashed his blade in an arc killing two more assassins who were slow to disengage. Slowly he stood up. The two remaining assassins backed away.
“Leaving so soon?” said the stranger, his tone conversational; as if he were speaking to a couple of friends he met for drinks at a bar. Realizing that engaging the swordsman meant certain death, both assassins pressed their palms together and incanted. The swordsman cocked his head as he regarded the blue flames that began to engulf the two men. No sound escaped from them despite their bodies slowly crumbling, the ashes swirling, cyclonic coalescing into a demonic beast.
The demon was half again as tall as a man and three times as wide. Its face resembled that of a disfigured boar and a trio of horns grew from its head. It wielded a flaming double headed axe and wore black armor from head to toe. The demon cast its gaze around at the bodies of the men who failed to kill the lone warrior and let loose a roar as it charged. The axe swung round in a decapitating blow towards the swordsman who stood there calmly, as if he were watching socks dry. At the last moment, his left hand flashed up and stopped the axe head in its tracks. The cloth covering his arm ignited then burned up almost immediately. The arm beneath the cloth was nothing human. It was covered in a hard black substance, with the ends of the fingers ending in points, like a clawed gauntlet. Dozens of sigils and runes blazed as the fire was absorbed into the man. The demon yelped, pulled its axe back and fell to its knees, prostrating itself in front of the swordsman. He waved his hand and a portal opened behind the demon, closing again as it beat a hasty retreat. Sheathing his sword, the man sighed. He rifled through the bodies of the assassins and came up with a modest amount of coin which he swiftly pocketed.
Turning around, he addressed the man on the roof. “Looks like our dinner is being paid for tonight eh? Lets go, battle always make me hungry.”
“Alright, double servings this time though.” responded the giant, who leapt down from the roof. “Oh and thanks for the meal guys,” he added to eight dead men lying in pieces around the place. Stepping over rapidly cooling body parts, the two men left the alley and walked off into the night.




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I'm no expert on battle scenes but i get the feeling that this is to long to descriptive. When i write a battle scene ( very rare) i like them short and furious. Every word and every sentence must be stuffed full of action.As I'm no expert I suggest you read up on them, see how other writers write theirs.
cocked his head as he regarded
Capitals please.

Beneath his hood, a grin crept slowly across his lips.
'A grin crept across his face' would suffice. but then again I'm no expert.
Stay gold, Ponyboy - S.E. Hinton




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Hello, Bored.

Disclaimer: Everything in this review is opinion. While I won't always say "In my opinion,." it should always be implied unless explicitly stated otherwise. I don't presume to think my opinion is law, and neither should you. If you think something works for your story, and I disagree, go with your own instinct. YOU are the creator of this world. We just vacation here.

A flawed but good start. First, the good.

It reads very well. Your voice is unique and expressive, and the fight goes smoothly and conveys great images. Your style reminds me of R.A Salvatore, creator of the fantasy legend Drizzt Do'Urden. You seem to have a good understanding of the way to make a fight scene exciting, as well as the basics of melee combat.

That being said, there are a few things I'd like to point out.

The hulking figure.

Arms crossed, the hulking silhouette sat on the roof overlooking a large alleyway. A lone figure stood encircled by eight masked men, showing no sign that they were even acknowledged.


This is very easily overlooked by the giant block of text that follows, especially the singular mention of the "hulking" silhouette. I didn't even catch it the first time. Expand it. Paint us a picture, rather than rushing into the fight. I used to make that mistake a lot myself, being a huge fan of fight scenes.

On lame villains.

To me, the fight scene is not very believable. Even given the supernatural nature of the mystery man, the "assassins" seem completely incompetent and definitely unprepared. they obviously underestimated their opponent, something that assassins can't afford to do, in their line of work. If they were a team of eight men, they would be highly comfortable with each other's fighting style, and may even thrive on it. They wouldn't be some dumb as to attack one at a time, nor clumsy enough to overextend their attacks against an opponent as powerful as theirs.

Maybe I'm just tired of seeing incompetent villains portrayed as badasses.

On the choreography:

...reversed and swept his blade in a wide arc that made the seven men leap back to avoid disembowelment.

Sweeping your blade in such a way that seven highly trained men would have to dodge to avoid would result in more than a 270 degree turn, more than three quarters of a full circle. This would leave him wide open to attack from the first assassin the second the blade passed by him.

The swordsman faced the assassins and in the moonlight, his eyes glinted under his hood.

You can't face eight men who are circling you. He would need to rotate in place to meet each of their eyes, or stand in place and watch one of them.

The first was brained as the sword’s point slid through his skull as easily as a hot knife through butter, mashing his brains.

So much wrong here. Silly hyperbole, an overused simile, and the repetition of the word "brains" just makes the sentence hard to take seriously. A keen blade would not mash brains, it would make a nice, neat little but, ending the man's life instantly.

The second blocked as the thrust instantly translated into a side slash aimed for his neck but the force behind the blow broke through his guard and separated his head from his body.


More hyperbole. By the nature of the attack, a thrust could not easily be turned into a full swing, and definitely not one capable of "breaking" someone's guard. Speaking of which, that phrasing is completely wrong. In swordplay, especially swordplay based on finesse of ferocity (which this appear to be, given that all men involved are using one handed, easily maneuvered weapons), the proper defense is not a complete stoppage of the attack, but a redirection of it. The long, straight blades of swords are great at deflecting and guiding attacks away. If the assassin was quick enough to get a block in place, he would be quick enough to redirect it.

I think you understand where I'm going with this. It's just too over the top.

On minions.

Your "assassins" are nothing but faceless grunts. This disturbs me, because they are also probably people. This seems like nothing more than a highly trained man toying with a bunch of little kids with toy swords, when it should be highlighting the fact that, in fact, these men are the ones that are highly trained and their target STILL beats them. The fight should be about the fact that these eight men have probably fought together for months, maybe even years, and know exactly what they are doing. Currently, the only reason these men are assassins is because you call them such. Make us believe it.

Like a bad kung-fu flick.

You have some talent in writing fight scenes. Unfortunately, you seem to have caught the action movie bug, where people are suspended on wires so they can defy gravity, and individuals can beat groups of men because the groups are dumb enough to attack one at a time, without coordination. Come back to reality. Supernatural is okay; fake is not.

--D
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Hey guys. Thanks so much for the feedback on my work. I'm kinda surprised you'd take so much time to break down the whole thing and detail out my mistakes and shortcomings. Definitely will use your info to improve and write better [: Gonna go change some stuff, and possibly come out with some new writing in a couple days. Thanks again!



It takes me deciding to write on YWS in the late hours...to realize how many members are most active while I'm unconscious
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