Mother

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Preying on the dreams of others
sucking her victims dry.
I love her
she hates me.
My siblings are confused.

I work for her, she screams and shouts
kills another hope.
A hope of love
of peace.

There is no hope with mother.
Last edited by dasiamari on Fri Mar 11, 2011 3:40 am, edited 3 times in total.
Know that she's back in the atmosphere I'm afraid that she'll think of me as a plain old Jain told a story 'bout a man who was to afraid to fly so he never did land. ~Train




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Your poem is ok.I have a few suggestions for you...
My siblings or confused

I think you might want to say "my siblings are confused".
I work for her she screams and shouts

" I work for her as she screams and shouts".
kills another hope.
A hope of love
of peace.

It might sound better if you say "killing another hope of love and peace".
I think your piece belongs in dramatic poetry not other poetry.
I think you made a good start on a free verse poem.
Hopefully my revisions help. Have a great night. Fiction




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In my esteemed opinion fiction903 is full of beans. This poem was scary without talking of death. It was sad without talking of heartbreak. Wow.
Those who dance are thought insane by those who don't hear the music.
Those who fit well into their world don't generally go about changing it.




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This poem came from me reading a Child Called It
Know that she's back in the atmosphere I'm afraid that she'll think of me as a plain old Jain told a story 'bout a man who was to afraid to fly so he never did land. ~Train




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Praying on the dreams of others I believe you mean "preying"?
sucking her victims dry.
I love her
she hates me.
I feel as though there should be something linking these two, like a semicolon.
My siblings are confused. Why are they confused? Elaborate.

I work for her, she screams and shouts, Should be a semicolon. I inserted a comma at the end, too.
kills another hope. killing
A hope of love
of peace.

There is no hope with mother.


Okay, so overall I actually really liked the poem! I would like elaboration on the "confused siblings" bit. They could be confused for a plethora of reasons - why mother hates them all, why mother hates the narrator, why the peas are in the mashed potatoes, how the leopard got its spots, etc. Mostly the first two, not to say they couldn't be confused by the other two, but the first two are the most relevant. As for your inspiration for the poem, that book is so sad. :/ Glad it's not personal experience, though.

Hope I helped!
>>Annie<<
Ideas don't stay in heads very long because they don't like solitary confinement.



It's unsettling to know how little separates each of us from another life altogether.
— Wes Moore, The Other Wes Moore