I met a girl Today (revised)

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This is the revised version after I considered all of your wonderful advice. I'm not sure if I should totally replace the old one though, because the original seems like a totaly different poem to me. I don't know, what do you guys think? Is it better or worse than the original?

I met a girl today
The most peculiar thing I’ve ever seen
She stood behind a pane of glass
Housed in a wooden frame
Her hair was ivy vines in the dead of winter
Long and winding wildly down her pale marble back
Lips of coral pulled back over pebble teeth
Washed white and smooth by the sea
Her eyes were grey pools of melting ice
Hidden securely behind black feather lashes
Warm at their core
But coldly regarding me with a sting of curiosity
Poised like a lion
Tense and ready for my attack
An unyielding spirit hiding a delicate sense of reality
unsympathetic features above a tepid gaze
Beautiful and deadly
I could never be as strong as she
Not in my wildest dreams
There was an untamed spirit about her
A flame that had long sense been extinguished in me
So I braced myself for her assault
We stood there for a long while
This stranger and I
Just waiting for the other to make a move
The glossy reflection wavered slightly
And then slowly in a mutual surrender
We smiled
Last edited by Andie on Thu Feb 17, 2011 10:36 pm, edited 1 time in total.
I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself.
David Herbert Lawrence




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This poem is great! At first I didn't know who this girl was, until the very end of the poem. The description is very detailed. I could picture that girl's every detail. I like how you described the girl, and the way that you wrote the poem.

Overall, I only saw one mistake:
a unyielding spirit hiding a delicate sense of reality


"A" should be "An", which is a simple mistake. Other than that, I think this poem is wonderful! :D
“To the world you might be one person, but to one person you might be the world”

“A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you just the way you are.”

“Truly great friends are hard to find, difficult to leave, and impossible to forget.”




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Oh! I missed that, thanks I'll change it right away.
I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself.
David Herbert Lawrence




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Gender Female
Points 1075
Reviews 6
Love, love, love. At first I didn't understand who the girl was and I love the imagery of this poem. It has a good feel about it and I love how you described this girl so much, I could actually picture her in my m=ind. Very good indead
Maybe I was the girl to shy to be loved...

oh Mr.Darcy

You sit there in your heartache waiting for some beautiful boy to come and save you- the killers

psh yea I don't need a boy to rescue me from the dragon



Powerful men have a way of avoiding consequences.
— Dr. Harrison Wells, The Flash